Here’s what I know.I was having some sort of “psychotic episode”.
I came home from school.
I begged for medication.
My dad relented.
I slept for 3 hours.
So my memory is a little fuzzy on the details, maybe because of the medication. But maybe writing about my day will jog it (it needs a good run).
I remember going to school but my brother wasn’t because dad didn’t hand in this holocaust trip letter on time and my brother didn’t want to spend the day alone just watching movies so he had the day off. I was a little agitated that dad didn’t give me the morning off from school because I had the most AWFUL vivid nightmare. I fell asleep at 2am after taking it at 11:15pm but didn’t have time for half asleep. As I woke up about 5:30am and decided to just stay up.
So yes, I went to school. I had maths and was reading Amber’s blog throughout instead of doing it and listening to JLS tell me about how her exboyfriend (that’s right, she finally broke up with her abusive boyfriend!). We then had health and here’s what I remember from that. I remember this from having my memory jogged by just seeing cues and JLS telling me over text. I was okay. I was on the laptop but no one can answer what work, probably none, probably just research. Some things I remember, JLS said something and our teacher, whose pretty cool said “who needs enemies when you’ve got friends like these?” and I remember something about careers day but according to JLS I wasn’t listening then but then JLS reminded me I probaby wasn’t going to be in school because my dad had a funeral to go to and wouldn’t be able to pick us up.
Okay, so here is when it gets complicated as I can’t really remember, some of the memories I can grasp at but some is just my dad and JLS filling in the blanks.
I went quiet and a little out of it, I was a little unsteady on my feet and I had “a face on” and so JLS asked what was wrong. I said I was fine. We were walking through school and I was getting agitated and apparently was “wringing your (mine) hand and rubbing them” and so JLS thought it was a panic attack so she walked me round the school at which point I said something along the lines of “I don’t like people, well not like that, you all seem so fake and the world looks fake but when I touch you, you all feel real and it messes with my head so I don’t want to touch things”. I the apparently began to dodge everyone and wouldn’t touch anything except my school bag and my clothes. JLS said that I said “the only reason I can tolerate my clothes and bag is because they’re touching me and always have been”. I then professed that I wanted to go home. Then began to tear up. JLS then took me to the medical room.
I sort of remember some of the stuff from the medical room, JLS and I talked about her and boys. So I was like coherent enough to have conversations. Then the medical room called my dad. My dad came and JLS took me to him, opening doors and stuff on the way and apparently my dad and JLS met. Oh, I wish I could remember the awkwardness. Anyway, so I could barely sit on the car seat and fidgeted a lot and kept crying on and off and begging my dad to make it stop. I do remember now debating suicide, just to stop this feeling. It wasn’t a suicidal feeling. Just this intense uncomfortable, agitated, scared feeling. I don’t remember whether I was vocal about it. We got home and I was crying, telling my dad I need it to stop. It’s horrible. I asked if I could take some pills. Any pills. My dad asked what pills. I said diazepam. Since 2, 2mg (4mg) didn’t make me sleep I wanted more. My dad said he’d give me 6mg since the doctor was willing to up the dose to 6mg anyway. I told him that wasn’t enough and wanted 10mg. He said he wouldn’t give it me because he didn’t want anything to happen. I managed to convince him, apparently by saying “the doctor said 10mg was going to be a maximum dose. 10mg won’t kill me! Google it!” so he did and he found it was hard to overdose on diazepam (valium) but should be careful due to addiction. So my dad agreed to give me 10mg. Since diazepam was supposed to work in an hour and it had gone past that I asked my dad for just one melatonin pill. I know, I know, messes up the rhythm of things but I was desperate. I took it and fell asleep. I woke up literally EXACTLY 3 hours later like usual. I had a nightmare but it wasn’t one of the bad ones.
I woke up, a little confused. I asked my dad what time it was. I remember some of the things from my day but they felt a little, off so I figured it was a dream. He said it was about 3:15pm. So I enquired why I wasn’t at school and he told me. I then got hold of my phone and JLS (and SK) had text me. JLS asked how I was and SK asked why I was not at school anymore. I hadn’t fully got my head around it so I couldn’t answer SK but I said to JLS I had just woken up and couldn’t remember much and she begun to tell me. The fact is, I don’t really remember the feelings I obviously had. They were obviously bad and I wouldn’t touch anyone or anything. According to both my dad and JLS I was having a “psychotic episode”.
So to the things I do remember. When I awoke from this pill induced sleep. My dad told me he managed to get hold of both psychiatrists.
CAMHS pdoc: He was in Nottingham, so the receptionist had to get him to call back but at least he did. He said to up the dose of melatonin to 4mg.
Paid pdoc: I have an appointment 3 days before the sleep clinic. I’ll find out what day that is. I’ll find out what day that is exactly because I can’t remember.
I plan now to relax and try and keep stress levels down until I sleep tonight. I have some junk food. I have pixie dust, chocolate buttons and a packet of snaps. I’ll probably watch something now, maybe my dvd player remote will miraculously start working.