So I’ve had a little think about why I was so angry at JLS.I thought of a lot of it.
Jealousy? But then I realized that I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want someone who’s that sort of close to me but it didn’t need to be a boyfriend. It wasn’t jealousy.
Was I just mad at being left alone? Well I like being alone. Alone is something I want, it makes sense.
Was I mad because we’ve haven’t spoken in almost a week and she’d rather spend time with some guy she hardly knows? Yeah, a little.
I think my main grievance though was’ She picked a boy over me. My mum ALWAYS did that. Which is part of the reason I left. She used to pick men over me and believe them which is why I never told her I was sexually assualted. So I was just a little angry that I was in that situation again. I don’t want to be a person who keeps repeating the same mistakes. So yeah, I was angry. She text me and asked if I was okay. I said I was fine.
I’m just watching my self confidence become lower as depression progressively gets worse. It’s been progressively getting worse for months and months. I haven’t had body issues in a long time. But I feel they’re coming back. I find my body repulsive and hate looking at it and my face. Though I think it’s because I look like my mother and I can’t stand it. Whilst my body is body issues. I’ve also noticed my lack of appetite, like immense lack of appettite. I can’t eat anything entirely. It’s not like I don’t want to. I don’t think it’s a symptom of anything except IBS. I’ve also been getting dry mouth a lot which is indicitive of either dehydration or is from those melatonin pills.
I don’t know whether I’m drowning in depression or drowning in loneliness. I know I sound like a clichey teenager. But I’ve been trying to think, if I was having a bad day, sucidal and all the rest of it. In real life, who could I turn to. I know there are a few people I could email but sometimes you just need someone to look you in the face and tell you they care whether you live or die. I know my family do. I know that some people at school probably do. But there is no one I can actually talk to at school or in life, who wouldn’t judge me. JLS, anytime I’ve even hinted at sucidal tendencies with her she threatens to hit me if I do anything. She likes to hit me a lot. After being physically abused for the best part of my life, I can’t really stand it and it’s hard to sort of say in front of everyone: “JLS, you know better than anyone how much I suffer, I know hitting me and flicking me is only a joke. But I really don’t like it.”
I probably associate some of those feelings with school.
My anxiety is a real problem at school and worsens my depression. I can’t stand being around people and not in a horrible way. Not in a “I-hate-everyone-way” or even a “I-can’t-stand-crowds” way. I just hate being away from my bed. There are so many potential things that could hurt me and it drives me crazy. I hate leaving the house. I have things to entertain me.
Sometimes, I just think I don’t want to get grades or do anything. I’d much rather be doing something totally random. Working at a carnival/fair ground. Going on tours as a spokesperson, maybe of mental illness. I feel like I’d get so much more out of that and whilst it maybe scary and possibly worse than school. I’m around people who get it. I think that’s the problem…
I think the reason people I hang around with, don’t get it and why the teachers don’t get it is because they’ve never experienced it. I know I don’t live their lives but the people who have either seen it for their own eyes or have experienced it are the best which is why my internet friends are the best at helping. They know and are vocal with their experiences. JLS says that her family are worried she’s anorexic because she doesn’t eat and that she’s depressed. Well, I know her family life has gotten worse recently (since she tells me the extent and exaggerates a little bit) but I feel like being around me is depressing. I don’t want to speak. When I do I have a somber tone. I suppose that’s why I should be happy JLS has the guy to distract her. So I don’t feel so bad for really depressing her. I think, if I push her towards him. She’ll leave me and I can do what I want to do, which is be alone.
I feel also, that I have a lot of pressure. I have silly things like wanting to make bracelets, but then I have homework and school and grades and work and writing letters to pen pals and exams and social obligations. It’s just all a bit too much and so even the little bit of stress is too much for me. The idea a teacher will talk to me. The idea a teacher will see my work and then give constructive critism, makes me stress out immensely. I used to be able to playfully joust with my teachers, now I can hardly look at them. I feel like the longer this goes on, the longer I’ll lose the real me. The me that went the minute these mood swings started. I can’t even remember what I used to be like. Some people can and remind me. Some people say “Well, I like you more now when manic” or change manic for depressed. I shouldn’t be insulted by that, but I am. I feel like I’m slowly unraveling…
How don’t know how longer I can wait…