Since sleeping is pretty much the same with melatonin, I’ll stop writing single blogs for it and write about it in my usual daily blogs.
So blow the trumpets because this is the last one unless things change.
I took the melatonin just before 10:30pm.
I fell asleep at gone midnight, near 1am.
I had a nightmare whilst asleep. Which is different to the what I call night terrors.
I then woke up at about 4am to the sound of rain.
I listened and then around 6am, when the mice (boys) began to stir.
I then began to fall asleep and yes, only half asleep and yes, night terrors.
On and off for an hour.
It’s getting pretty freaking traumatic to be honest.
I feel that each time I take the melatonin the harder it gets for the melatonin to work.
One day it’s just not going to work.
Or I might just stop
I know I sound defeatist. But I really can’t catch a break.
Remember how I had an infection so I was put on acid spray.
Well this other one is to get rid of the inflammation caused by the acid spray wearing away the skin/lining on my ears.
Now my ears are crackling again.
You see now why I give up sometimes. It’s not just my ears.
Any ailment I get brings about other problems.
Can I not just be free of one?
I know I’m doing a “poor little me” act.
I’m just frustrated.
I would love to have the old moods back.
The moods that were sometimes at different scales but they were real.
They were moods I’d feel in the moment. Moods that were so indictive of how I feel about situations.
But now it’s just depressed moods for several weeks then amazing happiness. Just the best feeling.
They aren’t real moods.
I miss walking down the street or being in school with people I did consider friends and going: “omfg, he is FIT” and just having a girly moment where we giggle and check him out.
Those don’t happen anymore.
I can’t feel anything for someone when depressed. I don’t even have that objective “oh he’s sort of cute”
When manic I feel so hypersexual. That EVERYONE is a potential partner.
I’m at that point in my life (well I suppose we never really leave this point) where we’re trying to figure out who we like (as in boys or girls or both), what our type is, all this hormone stuff.
Which is why having a lot of time where you feel hyposexual and then having a short amount of time being hypersexual is not helpful.
I mean, in those terms of which sex I fancy. That for me was finalized years ago.
I had to stop writing there.
For parent teacher day. So, let me write about it.
We went into school. First was maths. Apparently on the exam I did last June I was two marks off a B. So I just have to do better.
Sociology said they’re worried I won’t get an A if I’m off all the time so she gave me a book in case I was.
Science she seemed a little annoyed but probably because she had a cold. But that was fine too.
So all in all, it was good.
I don’t know whether I’ve wrote about this before but I get really, deathly pale when in shops. Even without a crowd. I just go pale and faint. I don’t know why because:
When I’m in school, in a place I feel VERY anxious in. I wasn’t pale and white. I was sweating actually. It’s just awful!
I’m getting to that point where I don’t want to leave the house.
I’m torn between this forever feud between what I want in that moment and what I will regret.
What I want is to never leave my house again in the hopes I’ll be “safe”.
What I’ll regret is not getting an education.