Findings from my experiment.

Okay. So three hours a night is sort of what I used to get on hectic school nights anyway. I’d say that even 3 hours, sleep deprivationwise is good. But…

I miss sleep deprivation. When I was sleep deprived, I was dozy, dumb and a little bit on the numb side. I had no idea how easier this made depression. I feel now like I have been punched in the throat and I am now drowning. I feel on edge all the time. With sleep deprivation I was on the edge with anger and irritability. But now I just feel this intense sadness and it’s awful. Anger came with fight. Sadness comes with giving up.

I know I usually do a play by play of my day. But my entire day was awful. I smiled. But a fake smile. I’ve mastered this skill. Unfortuantely I can’t take a qualification in it, if I could i’d pass with flying colours.

But I’m just immensely sad.

I was numb before.

This is why I’m relucant to change things.

My brain or my body, has or at least had a good system in place.

It was protecting my conciousness and in turn me, from suffering. That may have been what my sleep deprivation is about.

But I’m just playing amatuer psychologist. It just seems that we go 1 step forward to go two steps back.

The one step being getting closer to fixing sleep and two steps back is making depression worse.

One of the worst things is: ever since I was a little girl, when I was faced with a bad situation or a scared, nerve wracking, depressing situation. I would become extremely cold and shake. If the room wasn’t that warm, the shaking would be quite violent. I’ve been doing it on and off all day. With no real cause. Just this immense suicidal feeling.
I’ve even noticed a decrease in my joy for things. For example. Tumblr, I’ve had one for a while but never really used it. But I’ve recently got really into it. This should have sent me into an obsessive frenzy about blogging on tumblr and all of this but it hasn’t. It’s barely mused me and I have little energy to do anything. My back is quite weak and can’t take the shivering much longer. I have bad nerves and my nerves keep getting trapped. Also due to this shaking. This made me considerable ill in PE.

Suicidal things just rattle around my head. Planning it. To the last detail.

People say to me: “it’s not you, it’s your illness”.

Well, my illness is me. Me and my illness are one of the same. I do try and seperate as well. But… I just can’t. I can’t sit here and deny there’s nothing wrong. There is.
I write a lot about bipolar disorder on here. But honestly? I hate the word. I hate it being associated with me. It grinds against me. If you and I were ever in the same room and you were to scrape, usually two metal things together. I would flinch and probably leave the room as it makes my teeth itch. That is how the word mental illness and bipolar make me feel.

But as for the physical side effects. I’ve developed a rash on my back. It’s causing it to ache. I’ve been getting a few random bouts of dizziness.
My heart beat goes from normal to rapid sometimes but that’s anxiety.
But could this be something else? I mean we all know how my luck is. It could be unrelated. The dizziness could come from something stomach/food related whilst the rash could be my bag on my shoulder. Though my left one is my bad one and that doesn’t hurt.

I’m also not going CAMHS till the 20th December now as I can’t go tomorrow.  But tomorrow dad and I are going to discuss the appointment for paid for psychiatrist because we need to send the mood diary 2 weeks prior.

But onto some more serious things. I’ll go onto more light hearted stuff at the end and so we can all feel more happy and maybe even excited.

So serious:

I was talking to this girl about our suicide attempts and she is better. A lot better and is actually one of those spokes people for mental illness. Well she’s not really a girl. She’s 25-26 but anyway…

So I said that: “it’s hard to handle. It’s hard to be back in that position again.”
“What? Desperate?”
“I don’t think it’s desperation. I dno. Lack of fight I guess.”
“I was desperate. Hell any of us who try are desperate you said you’d give it till 2013.”
“Youre not really going to hold me to that, are you?”

She said she was and she went on to make me describe why I’m in that position again. Talk through the plans. Unfortuantely and when she reads this I know Ill get an mail. But I clamed up. I can’t talk about this. Call is ashamed. Call it the British stiff upper lip. I just can’t. But I don’t get why. There are so many people relying on me. So many people who need me and need me to stay alive.

But does anyone realise how amazingly frustrating it is to go a step forward to go two steps back?
It’s hard.
I sometimes think it’d be easier to just suffer from depression. I think going from the most amazing feeling you’ve ever felt in your life to the worse is unfair and really rather cruel. To have the best feeling torn away from you and replaced with this… this awful feeling is maddening.

I used to deal with all the maddening things by escaping into my imagination. Substituting reality for my own. But now even my imagination has dried up. Maybe it’s sick of competing with this other reality. The reality I’m in. The reality a lot of other people are in I feel disconnected to. My imagination world I feel disconnected to. The reality I feel even the slightest bit connected to is my reality. This reality where nothing is as it seems where you’ll hear snatches of noise that aren’t there. See little girls in lights and pink cats across the road. In any other circumstance, I’d welcome such loveliness and randomness. But I don’t want it in bipolar disorder. I’m going to put it bluntly…

I’m hanging on by a thread.

And it’s not going to take a lot to pull me from it.


But on the lighter side:

A friend I know, recommended 2 things. Firstly. Use etsy as a shop to sell my items. Secondly, write my story down.

I know…

So and listen before anyone says it sounds crazy.

Apparently I am supposed to write a chapter a week or every two weeks or whenever I can fit it in. In the perspective of myself. Write about the past. Leading up to the present and one of the things that is sort of convincing me to it is, what they said:
“People write about after they’ve been cured, that’s boring. Not to be mean. If you wrote and it got quite full you could do multiple ones and it’d always be a guess on whether you’ll come out the other end out it.”

So even I’m intrigued.

I’ll consider it.

No promises.

To sum up my blog.

The experiment didn’t have a hypothesis so there is no sucess or failure. Just that depression is much more poignant than it was with sleep deprivation.




17 thoughts on “Findings from my experiment.

  1. ok Munchkin melatonin can make depression worse, sadness actually. It is one of the possible side effects, high blood pressures as well.

    I mentioned a while ago there would be instances of one step forward and two back. Some things will work, some will work with, well side effects. So you either treat the side effects as well, yes confusing, or change the meds or dosage. I wish it was here take this and you will feel better. For some things it will be.

    Are you taking it again tonight?

    keep those thoughts you are having at bay. you know I am only an email away and just noticed you sent one and will read it now.

    *hugs tight*

    • See I thought that but thinking back it’s been like this for a month or two just sort of overshadowed by tiredness.

      I know, I just wish we could just go one step forward and then another step before going the two steps back. Just for the love of God get somewhere.

      There’s a disagreement about taking it. My dad says I should stop and see if the rash goes. I say we should continue. Though to be fair on my dad his intial plan was to talk to the psychiatrist. See, because we couldn’t go we had to rearrange it. But the receptionist said the psychiatrist will ring you at 4pm+. He never rang. So we made a compromise. If the rash starts to spread I stop even without consulting the psychiatrist. If the rash stays where it or goes is we’ll consider it outside stimulus and continue.

      I know you are 🙂 but it’s not something I like to just email. Our conversation sort of led to that making it easier.

      • I am not sure I have seen anything about a rash as a side effect. Think I will poke about a bit. Anxiety/stress will do things like that though, and it can increase anxiety. Normally it isn’t prescribed for children, uhm people… under 18. your mind seems 30, but your body isn’t yet. 🙂

        your lack of sleep may be catching up and is being exemplified with the melatonin.

        email Munckin, you can talk about anything with me. If it helps I am there. I mean anything.

        • It said it on the side effect form. It said “rare” so obviously not common. Rashes. Haha, my body isn’t 16 either. I’ve finished puberty. I don’t get rashes from anxiety. Which is from what my dr said. He said people do but you won’t. I’ll take a picture of where it says rashes on the piece of paper he gave us.

          I figured the lack of sleep is catching up though it is hardly being exemplified by the melatonin. Depression is just bad because I’m not as dozy and more intune. I know my body, I know that depression is worse because of the fact I can notice it more. This small a dose can’t cause depression.

          I know, but like I said. I don’t just like emailing out of the blue about this stuff. Sometimes conversations just go that way.

  2. kk, first off the dose isn’t really small. It isn’t a hormone that the body produces gobs of.

    I see what you mean about being more aware of your depression, being sharper.

    is the rash itchy or painful or both?

    you can email out of the blue about anything. 🙂

    • The psychiatrist said it was a small dose. If he’s getting it wrong and I repeat it, its hardly my fault.

      EXACTLY! That is exactly what I mean!

      Slightly itchy and a little painful.

      I know I can, that you’ll be okay with it. Just social norms in my head dictate I can’t.

  3. Man, I completely relate to this! I had an exceptionally manic summer, and while I try pretty hard to keep a routine with sleep, no alcohol, no excessive caffeine during mania, and even less sex or music, (how sad) it was still so hard to get any sleep. 3 hours was more than enough for me.

    But as the winter has set in, I can barely function with 8. I also get very sad, hopeless, and have a hard time enjoying anything, which is always hard to deal with. I just tell myself that I know it’s only temporary, and try not to resist the depression; just live with it, and do my best to not let it destroy my life.

    On the melatonin, that’s bizarre, is that the medicine that might be giving you a rash? Do you take anything else?

    As a question from one bipolar to another, do you have morbid, vivid dreams most nights? I found that the melatonin makes them much more vivid.

    Sorry to hear that you’re struggling, I empathize with you.

    • That’s exactly what I’m like! I try and avoid all things that make it worse and it’s hard. Temptation is always there! I mean I only get 2 weeks of mania but still, even two weeks is difficult.

      It’s like I’m reading about my own life, though I don’t get 8 hours, admittedly I get more with depression as I do sleep everynight. But with mania, I can function with 1 hours sleep every 2-3 days. With depression I get, well without melatonin I get 2 hours good sleep.

      No, for the moment just melatonin (I have two psychiatrists at the moment one’s an idiot and the other has to start from scratch). The rash went after a while.

      I do! I get awful vivid dreams! I used to get nightmares before which is why I ‘stopped’ sleeping in the first place but the melatonin makes me sleep with these AWFUL, vivid nightmares.

      Thank you, that’s lovely to hear 🙂

  4. I read one of your posts on nightmares, and realized that you definitely have them; figures, right?

    I had the worst nightmare when I first took melatonin and woke up with sleep paralysis because I was so scared.

    I’m pretty accustomed to morbid themes in my dream life, so I don’t get bothered by it anymore. I just hate the dreams that I’m being hunted or killed in. I actually had a dream the other night that a 3 ft vulture walked up to me and began to eat my arm. Weird, huh?

    With mania, I’m often manic for about 3 months altogether, but I start out with a horrid mixed episode in the spring, then work into a more “typical” manic episode, with euphoria, exaggerated sense of well being, extreme impulsiveness, hallucinations, and just all around ecstatic. Lately I’ve noticed much more irritability in my manic episodes, though.

    Depression is also pretty severe for me. I get very agoraphobic, and have such a hard time getting out of bed most days. I get very hopeless, and don’t see the point in living.

    But I work very diligently to still turn in my assignments for school, and not do drugs or anything to try to self medicate. I still feel as depressed as I used to, but I’m not ruining my life in the process, only to have to pick up the pieces when I feel better.

    • Yeah, does figure.

      That’s awful. Was it just the one night or did it occur again?

      Thats the same for me, I’ve had them for a year before I was put on melatonin and they terrorized me then but now with the melatonin they’re just more vivid That’s is weird and obviously horrible to have. My nightmares will play on things in my brain. They will make it personal to me; tailoring my own nightmares. Though some are death, rape (though that could be a taliored experience) that sort of awful stuff.

      I have mixed episodes. Are you angry and aggressive during mixed episodes? I am. I’m irritable, shouty, violent. I do awful things. That’s like my mania, though I get hallucinations in both mania and depression. I’m irritable in mania if people don’t follow me. Like when I talk really fast and incoherently and disconjointed and say “what are you talking about?” I get irritable or if people don’t want to do what I want to do. In that period I feel the world revolves around me so it’s hard for my manic brain to comphrend why people don’t do what I tell them.

      I’m exactly the same, I have 3-4 weeks of depression. I used to have panic attacks in crowds with them. But the melatonin and diazepam combat panic attacks. Not the overall anxiety feelings though. I still feel anxious in crowds. I have the feeling of not living and hopelessness; also accompained by low motivation? I mean, I don’t do anything normal people do. I don’t shower for days. I mean it’s difficult for me to not get out of bed as I still live at home and my dad will literally drag me if he has to. I also isolate myself from people.

      Agoraphobia must be a horrible thing to live with. Do you have medication for it?

      That’s the problem. Sometimes I just feel like giving up everything I’ve worked for but then other days I just say “when I’m better, I’ll regret it” so I still do things. But I have little to no motivation so if I can avoid doing something I will. I’ll be honest and say the idea of self medicating has become an appealing option to me more than once. But I never have done it. I’m glad though, you are still keeping up with school work. It keeps you going knowing there’s something to look forward to.

Leave a Musing...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s