I was tired. Not groggy. Just normal tired. Depressed. Lack of energy. So I thought at 6:30am, I’d lie down.
So I did.
You know when you’re falling asleep you get to this point where you’re half asleep, if someone was to wake you, you’d wake easily but you’re not fully with it. Sort of like a dissociate episode. But you remember it. I haven’t been at that point in months. But I got to that point. Usually at that point, my mind would start debating over the issues plaguing it. Which is one of the reasons why I believe a good nights sleep helps you see things more clearly. I always used to sleep on any decision because I was indesicive but after sleeping I would come to a conclusion I was usually fairly happy with. Which is why for the past year my decisions have been bad. Anyway, so I got to that point and I just had these vivid awful terrors. I don’t know whether they’re nightmares becase I wasn’t technically asleep. So I’d break out of one, become fully awake. Try and sleep again and it would happen again. It was terrifying. I eventually managed to break this cycle after 2hrs of being in it. So I started listening to music. Not the music that sends me to sleep. The music I knew would keep me awake. So I did and just let depression take me into my usual spiral.
My plan for today?
I have to bake the cakes I was going to bake for dad’s birthday. I know what you’re thinking. “She’s not manic! Why on Earth is she baking?”
It’s because ever since I have lived with my dad for their birthdays I would bake. At first it was biscuits or shortbread because that’s all I knew how to make. But since mania, I learned how to bake a few other things.
Then I have to start either my personal statement or finish my coursework. The latter is a preferable choice as I can’t “big myself up”.
Then probably back to bed to dwell in my depressive state.