Paint me rage.

Okay. This is going to go chronologically rather than in order of what everyone would like to hear first.

I went to school. School was okay. I did a lot of health work in the library, I also have to do my personal statement for sixth form so Miss can check it over the weekend but I do also have to finish my course work so that sucks. Lots of work to do. We then had biology. I like biology. We did respiration; it’s interesting. We finished watching this movie about discrimination against black people (sorry if that offends anyone but it’s okay to say ‘black people’ in England) in the 1960s and the discrimination of that time period, the ku kluck klan etc. But I left before the video ended as I had CAMHS appointment.

As you can see I have cut down that story considerably because I know what you lovely lot want.
We drove to camhs.

We got there. I was angry, frustrated and anxious. One guess as to what period I was in…
MIXED! WHOO! no. No, whooing.
Anyway, we got in and I was cold. Which enhanced the shaking from anxiety. We went into the waiting room. The waiting room contains a lot of baby toys, I sat by the radiator, we hadn’t even been there two minutes and he says: “I’m bored” -_-He started watching this tutorial on how to text on an old nokia phone. He was annoying me, so I walked to the other side of the road and grabbed the “where’s Wally?” book. For those of you unfamiliar with that book is you have a crowd of people and have to find just one called Wally, google it for more details. Our appointment was at 3pm. I didn’t want to go and I said that. My dad said that if the pdoc doesn’t come by 3:05pm then we will leave. The pdoc came in before 5 minutes past 3. My dad and brother were told to wait there and I was led into a room with a psychiatric nurse and the man who came to get me was the psychiatrist. It started with plesantries. “hello”, “how are you?” etc.

Okay, so he had the notes from before so he didn’t need to ask everything again. He started with sleep. How long I slept. Why I didn’t sleep. Fairly standard questions.
The psychiatric nurse chirped in several times but she had to leave quarter to 4, that’s how she started off the meeting.
But I had an attitude. I was frustrated and angry.
So he asked how long I slept a week, roughly 5-10 hours. He said “a day?” I answered with a “no, a week” which was met with a surprised look. I ended up shrugging a lot because how do I didn’t feel like answering his questions. He didn’t like the fact I kept saying “well maybe it was subconcious because I was certainly not aware of it”. He then asked how sleep deprivation affected my life. I basically just said the biggies: concentration, memory, hand eye coordination skills and math skills. He just couldn’t believe how I looked and acted on such little sleep. I didn’t like his tone. His tone implied he didn’t believe me. I didn’t like it. As a health professional he should know everyone reacts different to everything. Some people can survive two months without food, while some can only last two weeks. So I can survive on an hour a night sleep. If he’s not going to believe me then what’s the point? He kept asking why i didn’t get help for the insomnia. I honestly thought it would pass. It passed before. I also said it was too much “drama” to do it. That I wasnt worth it. Remember, I was in a mixed episode. I was upset. I was angry. Shaky. I wanted out.

One of the more angering and memorable moments was:
The psychiatric nurse says to me: “Have you researched what your mood swings could be?”
I said: “I researched a bit when the doctor told me to research bipolar disorder but it sounded too like me so I stopped”
The psychiatric nurse smiled and got where I was coming from. The psychiatrist said: “That happens with many psychology students, they learn about all these mental illnesses and think they have them all” which in my mind is basically implying he believes I read it on the internet and applied it to myself. But I developed the mood swings and was TOLD to research. You can’t just make it up.

The only thing holding my decorum together was the psychiatric nurse. But she left, I moved the table to the side that was seperating me from the psychiatrist so she could get out and by this point I had give my mood diary and she said she’d read it again.

The psychiatrist really just couldn’t grasp basic points. I was angry and that anger came through in quick, harsh, sarcastic comments. He focused on sleep for 50mins and then brought my dad in and my dad said “obviously I’m worried about the moods, I just wish she could sleep”. I pulled a face. My dad sensed I was annoyed and frustrated. He said “you okay?” I said “I’m fine, just frustrated”.

The psychiatrist said that since the diazepam didn’t work, he was going to prescribe me melatonin 2mg. Which I already knew regulates your circidan rhythm and comes from your pituary gland. He gave us some information sheet with the side effects. One being headaches. I wonder whether it’ll affect my migraines. We’ll have to see. He said any side effects, stop taking them and tell him. I have to take them every night. But before he could give them to me. He had to take my blood pressure and check my heart. Problem arises. So I manage to adjust myself so that my right arm (the one with the less scars on) is the one the psychiatrist can get without asking me to move. He asked me to take off my cardigan/jumper. I did. I was wearing this thin, purple, long sleeved top underneath and I thought to myself “yes, he can just take it over it”
He told me to roll my sleeve up, I did keeping my wrist under the desk as whilst it isn’t as scarred as the left one, the scars are in crosses and aren’t explainable. But he said that rolling it up made it tight so to roll it back down and he’ll take it over the top though it won’t be as accurate. He then got me to lie down whilst he listened to my heart through a stephascope. Not to alarm or accuse but he spent an awful long time keeping that stephascope on my left breast above my heart. Either he couldn’t get a heart beat or something was just… off. Still shaking. He asked why. He said was I cold. I said I wasn’t and that it’s just a mix of frustration and anxiety.

Everything seemed fine and he gave the presciption and we made an appointment for next Tuesday.

So my overall opinion is: I don’t like him. I don’t like the way he implied everything was sleep related when neither of us are sure what started first. He made out it was all in my head these mood swings and that I’d just applied the mental illness that sounded closest. His attutide wasn’t very nice. I didn’t like the fact he said not to talk about mood swings. His constant need to end his sentences with “isn’t it” annoyed me. No, he will not be my psychiatrist much longer.

It was then off to the doctors. On the way there, I was upset, irritable and dad couldn’t see as it was like 4:15pm and it had gotten dark so my dad couldn’t see. I started a conversation with “He wouldn’t let me talk” my dad told me to talk to him when he was on safe roads. So when we got onto the roads my dad knew I started the sentence again “he wouldn’t let me talk” and my dad thought I said “you won’t let me talk” and snapped at me, we argued. I didn’t talk to him after that. Due to the fact it was the time most people were going home from school and work there was a lot of traffic so I had to hop out the car and run so we didn’t miss the appointment. As it happens he was running 30mins behind. Our appointment was at 5:10pm. During the waiting, my dad went to get the melatonin but the person said it wouldn’t be in till Tuesday. it’s quite specialized so it’s hard to get. Then my dad got a phone call from my sister and had to go outside to take it. The call was about my sister had bought him a car. My dad was grateful. But a little bit pissed off as it means my aunt contacted my sister to tell her and my sister just bought it without consulting anyone. I get obviously. What with mania an’ all.

So since we got melatonin there was no point to up the dose. My doctor gave me drops for my ear. Migraleve for migraines.
So here’s how my pill schedule will go for the next few days:
Morning with breakfast: iron, vitamin D, allergy (possibly) and ear spray.
Home from school: Spray
Night: Melatonin.

With migraine tablets intersparsed.

Then my dad and I got in another argument.

Turns out that I have to either eat or sleep. If I don’t eat, sleep deprivation really shows through.

So camhs was bad. We are going next Tuesday, possibly for the last time. My dad said he’s willing to pay, he’ll borrow money if need be. I don’t think he understands how frequently I’ll need it.

I will put some pictures on the new blog in a few moments. Bear with 😉

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16 thoughts on “Paint me rage.

      • ok, well there are a lot of benefits with melatonin. Yes it regulates your sleep patterns and may help you. It is also used to treat IBS. Quite a few other things as well. Studies indicate it has no effect on creating migraines, it is sometimes used to treat them. It may cause headaches, but that isnt a migraine. It can have dream/nightmare reactions.

        Depression as well as it is calming.

        I am sort of going through things in steps, it was a big day for you.

        • Treat IBS? Good! My IBS has been worse than usual recently. I can’t eat big meals etc…
          Yeah, it said it can cause headaches. I said to my dad I wasn’t bothered about majority of the “uncommon” reactions but I will stop if they cause worse headaches and obviously stop immediately if I experience rare sides effects.It can? fml. Hm, maybe it’ll be a good dream like I see DLG.

          But it’ll wear off during the day 😦

          Okay 🙂 It was. I have another appointment on Tuesday.

  1. It is used to treat many things, ironically it is used to treat headaches as well.

    I also sent you an email, not sure if it was one of your more checked email addresses.

    I would like to go things slowly with you concerning your visit yesterday. One thing at a time so to speak. Maybe to make Tuesday not so daunting for you.

    So the meds could be a good thing. Too bad they aren’t available before Tuesday so you could give them feedback at the next appt. They are a great first step.

    You related more to the nurse. Perhaps you will see a bit more of her. I know you are not feeling this, but the visit was a good step munchkin. The next appointment is soon too. I know you don’t like him and that is going to hinder things, but we will chat about that too in stages if you are game for it.

    • I love it when I take ironic pills xD

      I checked my emails. Well not my gmail or yahoo. But my 3 hotmails and I have no emails, try sending it again (if it’s long just go to sent items and forward it).

      Okay, that’s fine. I don’t finding it daunting, just… irritating xP

      They are avaliable. I probably badly worded it. The inexperienced person said that I wouldn’t get them till Tuesday but the pharmacy down the road said “come in tomorrow” (meaning today) so I have the for tonight. So I can report back 🙂

      I will see her. I think I’ll see her a lot of the time with him but I still have to see him. It’s not that I don’t want the therapy or that the therapy is daunting. The idiot psychiatrist is the problem. I’m good with chatting about it. Anytime 🙂 I just don’t know what there is to chat about 😛

  2. lol, yup ironic pills. It is funny how many meds are used to treat something, but also can cause it as a side effect… wonder who things those up.

    oh that is good, you can give them a try. Wouldn’t it be amazing if there was success?

    I sent the email to the email address you have for wordpress.

    kk, you and he, the psychiatrist butted heads a bit. This was his first go at you, you had some preconceptions at how things should go, or perhaps how you wished they would go, and your mood was off, so things went not so great.

    so, lets take a step to the side and pretend you are analyzing someone else, looking at what happened. Just to go over things a bit. We can do that together if you want. What do you think?

    • Whoever created the elements. A God, a puppet master, big spagetti monster in the sky.

      It would be. I hope they are.

      I checked that one. no email:(

      No, it wasn’t that. I didn’t know how it should go. I just know how you act with people. You don’t make it seem like they made it up by reading on the internet. You don’t interrupt a person when they’re speaking. It doesn’t matter what mood I’m in. I don’t like people who do that.

      Why would I need to analyse someone else?

      • to analyse someone else… perhaps to see how he sees things. to understand why he went about it that way. I am not agreeing or anything like that. I wasn’t there. I am sure everyone does things very differently.

        So, he spent a lot of time talking about your sleep or lack of sleep and from what you are saying dismissed thoughts of bipolar. Again, I am not agreeing or disagreeing. Also from what you said it was not done nicely. If your mood was abrupt too though, it may have put him off a bit. I know not an excuse, this is why I want you to look at it from the outside. to be objective.

        So more time spent on sleep. why? Remember when I started chatting with you, I sort of did the same thing, working on ideas about your sleep. again why.

        The lack of sleep part is there, no diagnosis is required, a problem exists that creates other problems. So the first thing to pounce on right away, is trying to fix that. Your paid for pdoc did the same thing, giving you meds for it and starting the sleep clinic. So this is why the focus on sleep right off the bat. Because it can be seen.

        The meds he wants you to try may be a good step, and you can tell him Tuesday. The dosage is also a good start.

        Remember, little steps. If insomnia gets lessened or repaired it will be a big step. A few little steps may be required to do this.

        ok, now here I am putting something out. So don’t get angry cause you know I am on your side. What if you are not bipolar? hang on, dont get worked up. *grins* I am again not saying anything either way. He was bang on with what physiology students do by the way, see symptoms and discover/think they have everything. I know, you are sure. But lets go slow a bit, to really see. kk? You said a couple of days ago.. a label. maybe not, maybe.

        More will happen on tuesday. Follow up to the sleep, and perhaps exploring the other things I would hope.

        • I know I am negative about people sometimes. But that is what he was like. I don’t need to see why he did that, there is never an excuse for interupting anyone or accusing them of lying.

          Not thoughts of bipolar. The way the mood affects sleep. It was sleep related. I was trying to say with mania I will miss 2-3 nights of sleep but with depression I’d sleep every night for 1-2hr and he interupts me part way through saying: “i don’t want to talk about mood”. My mood actually wasn’t abrupt until he started pissing me off. I was actually considerably pleasant. But he’s a psychologist. If he can’t handle foul mooded people. He’s in the wrong job. I’m always objective and objectively I agree with me. I am there for mood swings. He took the case on. If he can’t be plesant to foul mooded people and try and put them at ease, he is in the wrong job.

          All professionals do. “Get a good nights sleep before she burns out” is what I think is the whole idea of it.

          I know. I do know. I can figure this out.

          I’m not angry but listen I did not look at the internet and go hm… bipolar sounds like what I’ve got. My doctor. A GP. A professional said look it up. Said bipolar is possibility. I looked it up. Didn’t like what I read. Stopped. I went to CAMHS, they said bipolar is a possibility. paid for pdoc, bipolar is a possibility go look it up on this site. I know what psychology students are like. They think that. But I am not. I am not imagining it. But believe what you wanna believe. I’ve learnt from a young age you can’t change what people think. So if you or the psychologists or anyone think I bring this suffering upon myself, then fine.

          • munchkin I am just explaining what I think he was doing. remember I am on your side. *hugs*

            Yes I think he could have handled it way better. It will be interesting to see where things go on tuesday, what he wants to do. Even tomorrow after the new medication tonight. to see if it helped. Dosages can be adjusted with this as well. The body produces it in about that dosage.

            *hugs lots* just saw a message pop up you are about to go to bed..I have my fingers crossed again.

            good luck

            nite munchkin.

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