What a day!
I am going to try my best to describe today. Partly by not describing my entire day as if you were my journal.
So my morning starts with me waking up in a tired but irritable/aggressive mood. Mixed episode.
I go to school, first lesson is textiles. So I’m in the library. I debate what I have to do. Remember I have health work and begin doing this. About 9:55 – 35 minutes before break. I begin to hear something. Thinking it’s my music, I take my earphones out. Then it was clearer. Whispering. I look around. No one was talking. There wasn’t an exact direction. I looked down hoping that DLG would appear. She didn’t. I begin to get very anxious. I shake, I get stiff – I can’t move, I become cold and naueous (not that I wasn’t already from the migraine). I wanted to leave. But I was stiff. I began to repeat in my head. Deep breath, calm down. This carried on until about 10:10 where I had regained control and the voices; whispers stopped. At 10:15am, I left. Went back into school and tried to find a bathroom I could calm down and have a panic attack in. Every one I went into, someone came in. Annoying. I managed to cry a little though.
My mood began to level from anxiety to bipolar… if that makes sense. Mood?
Emotional. Like really emotional.
In biology I got intensely happy at finding the right answer to a question.
I finished my history assessment and didn’t need the extra lesson. Mr TD didn’t believe it. I could tell by his face. It shook my confidence but it spiked back up. He let everyone stay in 10minutes if they wanted to. AY and I did. We went down to science. JLS isn’t on our lunch. I only know four people who sit with us on Thursday (there is usually 6 of us). MU, SK, AY, HM and me :D. We were walking and AY says to me, “going down there I’ll see you later”. The girls at our table laughed and said “Aw, AY ditched you.” I replied with: “I know! Rejected D:”. I knew everyone was joking. AY comes back after a few minutes. She was talking to her science teacher. Not going off with some friends like I thought… I didn’t mention it till now.. meant to mention it earlier in my the paragraph. Anyhoo.. everyone (except one – preemptive) laughs and says “ohh, you’re back now” in a jokey way. One says it in a spiteful way. AY then opens up some crisps, they were steak flavour, I think. SK then says “I can’t believe you’re eating them near me, I can’t eat beef.” yadayadayada. She does eat beef. She was doing it to have a go. I told her to stop and go get something to eat. AY and SK left for food, MU and this girl I forgot her name went upstairs but asking SK to check the amount on her smart card when they were there. AY begins to say SK is a bitch and that she’s horrible. I do agree. But like usual I stay neutral. They come back. AY begins to put on make up. SK then begins to say she’s orange, why does she put on so much make up. AY says that how is it embarassing to you, it’s my face. Several back and forths later. AY accidentally says not many people like SK because she bitches about people… Teenage girls, huh? SK begins to keep saying who, who! AY lists off people just to stop her. Several having a goes later and AY is crying. SK starts saying “don’t make out you’re the victim here”, AY begins to say “she doesn’t know why she’s crying, she’s being silly”. I tried several times to change the subject; to stop it but it wouldn’t. Due to heightened emotions, I get teary. But I know if I was to start crying, I would get more attention and AY needed to seem worse off here. MU comes back, sees AY crying. Asks what’s wrong. AY plays it down. MU agrees. SK makes it about her asking everyone if she’s a bitch. Argument seemed to be over.
In history, I asked AY if she was okay, I felt bad for her. Guilty I didn’t stop it. AY seemed down. We watched a movie about discrimation against black people, watching it tomorrow too. I walked out of school with AY to show my support, I wanted to talk to her about it but I couldn’t bring it up and upset her but she bought it up. She said she was scared seeing SK tomorrow. I basically said that I feel the same way. I don’t like the way SK treats people. It’s cruel. She doesn’t even have a reason.
I go to the car. Three parcels, two letters for me. In the three parcels: iPhone battery, earphones and 3 books. Two letters; confirmation of consulation of sleep clinic. CAMHS appointment.
I don’t think I’ve ever explained CAMHS on here. I feel a little wired so sorry if it doesn’t make complete sense.
CAMHS stands for Child and Adolscent Mental Health Service. From the title you can guess what it does. It’s the free service for people in the UK (Canada too I think, from what I’ve read) I went to the GP in May, was recommened to go. Got an appointment in August. Went. There was an idiotic psychiatrist who upset my dad by starting right off with a family tree rather than symptoms. Man in the corner taking notes. Result? Further assessment. It is now November, three months later. My opinion? I didn’t mind the three month waiting list. Just because a doctor says bipolar is a possibility doesn’t mean it’s so. I get it. But after said appointment, knowing bipolar is a possibility (they told me so), a three month wait seems bad as bipolar is an illness which gets worse with time. Leaving me with it seems an excessive punishment. I’m not unreasonable. If they had said do a mood diary while you wait, I’d be like “hm, good, good, we’re getting somewhere” but I know that’s what they’ll ask me to do this time. I’ll bring a copy of the mood diary I have done already. I refuse to wait longer.
Anyway, apparently I am seeing someone (possibly a psychiatrist) and a psychiatric nurse. Next week, 15th Novmber, day before my dad’s birthday. 3pm. Meaning HALF SCHOOL DAY! MEANING I MISS PE AND RE… I like RE, not PE 😉 I wonder what they’ll think of my decreasing mental state?
As to why I went private. My GP became concerned with the decline and said to go private. He is much better. I know with CAMHS I won’t get a diagnosis till well into the new year, with this psychiatrist I’ll have it in December. But I thought to myself “what mood will I be in, that day is a bit precarious…” See, I don’t know where this period is starting from, the first hypomanic episode which’ll be yesterday (day before… No bloody clue anymore) or when mania fully starts – going up properly now. But I’ll either be manic on that day or coming down meaning I will be in a VERY big temper… not a good thing when meeting people.
Phone battery broke and leaked everywhere when dad took it out. Need new phone 😦
Cafcass (Cafcass is a thing that interviews children in court cases – at least that’s what we’ve used them for) wrote to my dad and told him that the problems he bought up about the guy that interviewed; problems being: wanted to give our mother physical descriptions when the order was made for no contact, he used the previous report in his new report but misquoted and just (excuse my french) fucked up. But they stuck up for him without seeing the evidence. Of course they stick together. What if it was something more serious? Need I remind people of Baby P’s death and all the other childs deaths that could have been prevented if people like this did their job properly. THIS is why we’re screwed.
My brother’s school phoned up and said that they can’t change his last name as it’s not legal – it is and my school accepted it. But my dad said “Hold on. It isn’t about that. I just want to make sure you don’t give my number to her…” I listened from inside the bathroom. I’m a nosey girl 🙂
Tomorrow should be good. Hopefully.