Mixed episode: mania, hypomania… Come back, all is forgiven ;)

What a day!
I am going to try my best to describe today. Partly by not describing my entire day as if you were my journal.
So my morning starts with me waking up in a tired but irritable/aggressive mood. Mixed episode.
I go to school, first lesson is textiles. So I’m in the library. I debate what I have to do. Remember I have health work and begin doing this. About 9:55 – 35 minutes before break. I begin to hear something. Thinking it’s my music, I take my earphones out. Then it was clearer. Whispering. I look around. No one was talking. There wasn’t an exact direction. I looked down hoping that DLG would appear. She didn’t. I begin to get very anxious. I shake, I get stiff – I can’t move, I become cold and naueous (not that I wasn’t already from the migraine). I wanted to leave. But I was stiff. I began to repeat in my head. Deep breath, calm down. This carried on until about 10:10 where I had regained control and the voices; whispers stopped. At 10:15am, I left. Went back into school and tried to find a bathroom I could calm down and have a panic attack in. Every one I went into, someone came in. Annoying. I managed to cry a little though.
My mood began to level from anxiety to bipolar… if that makes sense. Mood?
Emotional. Like really emotional.
In biology I got intensely happy at finding the right answer to a question.
I finished my history assessment and didn’t need the extra lesson. Mr TD didn’t believe it. I could tell by his face. It shook my confidence but it spiked back up. He let everyone stay in 10minutes if they wanted to. AY and I did. We went down to science. JLS isn’t on our lunch. I only know four people who sit with us on Thursday (there is usually 6 of us). MU, SK, AY, HM and me :D. We were walking and AY says to me, “going down there I’ll see you later”. The girls at our table laughed and said “Aw, AY ditched you.” I replied with: “I know! Rejected D:”. I knew everyone was joking. AY comes back after a few minutes. She was talking to her science teacher. Not going off with some friends like I thought… I didn’t mention it till now.. meant to mention it earlier in my the paragraph. Anyhoo.. everyone (except one – preemptive) laughs and says “ohh, you’re back now” in a jokey way. One says it in a spiteful way. AY then opens up some crisps, they were steak flavour, I think. SK then says “I can’t believe you’re eating them near me, I can’t eat beef.” yadayadayada. She does eat beef. She was doing it to have a go. I told her to stop and go get something to eat. AY and SK left for food, MU and this girl I forgot her name went upstairs but asking SK to check the amount on her smart card when they were there. AY begins to say SK is a bitch and that she’s horrible. I do agree. But like usual I stay neutral. They come back. AY begins to put on make up. SK then begins to say she’s orange, why does she put on so much make up. AY says that how is it embarassing to you, it’s my face. Several back and forths later. AY accidentally says not many people like SK because she bitches about people… Teenage girls, huh? SK begins to keep saying who, who! AY lists off people just to stop her. Several having a goes later and AY is crying. SK starts saying “don’t make out you’re the victim here”, AY begins to say “she doesn’t know why she’s crying, she’s being silly”. I tried several times to change the subject; to stop it but it wouldn’t. Due to heightened emotions, I get teary. But I know if I was to start crying, I would get more attention and AY needed to seem worse off here. MU comes back, sees AY crying. Asks what’s wrong. AY plays it down. MU agrees. SK makes it about her asking everyone if she’s a bitch. Argument seemed to be over.
In history, I asked AY if she was okay, I felt bad for her. Guilty I didn’t stop it. AY seemed down. We watched a movie about discrimation against black people, watching it tomorrow too. I walked out of school with AY to show my support, I wanted to talk to her about it but I couldn’t bring it up and upset her but she bought it up. She said she was scared seeing SK tomorrow. I basically said that I feel the same way. I don’t like the way SK treats people. It’s cruel. She doesn’t even have a reason.
I go to the car. Three parcels, two letters for me. In the three parcels: iPhone battery, earphones and 3 books. Two letters; confirmation of consulation of sleep clinic. CAMHS appointment.
I don’t think I’ve ever explained CAMHS on here. I feel a little wired so sorry if it doesn’t make complete sense.
CAMHS stands for Child and Adolscent Mental Health Service. From the title you can guess what it does. It’s the free service for people in the UK (Canada too I think, from what I’ve read) I went to the GP in May, was recommened to go. Got an appointment in August. Went. There was an idiotic psychiatrist who upset my dad by starting right off with a family tree rather than symptoms. Man in the corner taking notes. Result? Further assessment. It is now November, three months later. My opinion? I didn’t mind the three month waiting list. Just because a doctor says bipolar is a possibility doesn’t mean it’s so. I get it. But after said appointment, knowing bipolar is a possibility (they told me so), a three month wait seems bad as bipolar is an illness which gets worse with time. Leaving me with it seems an excessive punishment. I’m not unreasonable. If they had said do a mood diary while you wait, I’d be like “hm, good, good, we’re getting somewhere” but I know that’s what they’ll ask me to do this time. I’ll bring a copy of the mood diary I have done already. I refuse to wait longer.
Anyway, apparently I am seeing someone (possibly a psychiatrist) and a psychiatric nurse. Next week, 15th Novmber, day before my dad’s birthday. 3pm. Meaning HALF SCHOOL DAY! MEANING I MISS PE AND RE… I like RE, not PE πŸ˜‰ I wonder what they’ll think of my decreasing mental state?
As to why I went private. My GP became concerned with the decline and said to go private. He is much better. I know with CAMHS I won’t get a diagnosis till well into the new year, with this psychiatrist I’ll have it in December. But I thought to myself “what mood will I be in, that day is a bit precarious…” See, I don’t know where this period is starting from, the first hypomanic episode which’ll be yesterday (day before… No bloody clue anymore) or when mania fully starts – going up properly now. But I’ll either be manic on that day or coming down meaning I will be in a VERY big temper… not a good thing when meeting people.
Phone battery broke and leaked everywhere when dad took it out. Need new phone 😦
Cafcass (Cafcass is a thing that interviews children in court cases – at least that’s what we’ve used them for) wrote to my dad and told him that the problems he bought up about the guy that interviewed; problems being: wanted to give our mother physical descriptions when the order was made for no contact, he used the previous report in his new report but misquoted and just (excuse my french) fucked up. But they stuck up for him without seeing the evidence. Of course they stick together. What if it was something more serious? Need I remind people of Baby P’s death and all the other childs deaths that could have been prevented if people like this did their job properly. THIS is why we’re screwed.
My brother’s school phoned up and said that they can’t change his last name as it’s not legal – it is and my school accepted it. But my dad said “Hold on. It isn’t about that. I just want to make sure you don’t give my number to her…” I listened from inside the bathroom. I’m a nosey girl πŸ™‚
Tomorrow should be good. Hopefully.
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15 thoughts on “Mixed episode: mania, hypomania… Come back, all is forgiven ;)

  1. eeeps. I have to dash and will be out for a while munchkin, just wanted you to know I read your colourful post and will chat when I return. *hugs*

    I am glad you were a friend to AY. πŸ™‚ It is nice to be nice.

    and a big awww about your phone, that sucks.

    *hugs tight* Think you did have quite a day.

  2. Hope today is going much better Munchkin.

    As you say, bring your mood diary next Thursday, but keep a copy for the other pdoc, just bring a copy. I know you know, but I am telling you anyway. πŸ˜›

    Who knows, you may hit it off with who ever you see and things could start to roll faster. Show them you are frustrated and worried. Really show them.

    oh, likely when you read this, it will be the start of your weekend. πŸ˜‰ woo hoo? *grins*

    What kind of phone do you think you will look for? I keep thinking of replacing mine, but haven’t yet.

    *hugs lots* hope your day is going very well. Oh I said that already. lol. well some things are worth repeating.

    • Hello!
      I will, paid for pdoc said not to mention that I was seeing him to CAMHS people, i might just say I read on the internet a mood diary was a good idea to do. So I did one! Woop Woop!

      They probably won’t be my ‘long term’ psychiatrist due to the whole system of it. I think showing the mood diary will get it rolling faster. I’m not worried. Never worried. Just frustrated.

      Yes thankfully! It is 7pm here. Not that school is a lot of fun when manic but being told off does send a voice in the back of my mind (concious wise not a hallucination) telling me to behave.

      I had an iPhone. Think I’ll just get another one since I know how to work them. Not that I couldn’t figure out how to work another phone; just lazy.

      Hehe, yes day is much better thank you.

  3. oh don’t behave! well a bit. lol. but not too much.

    oh good, so p4pdoc knows about camhs. that is good, and yes telling them would muddy things up. Who knows though, perhaps things will just click with them. You will get a better feel of that next week. πŸ™‚

    • Behave in class. Voice says “just ’cause you’re manic doesn’t mean others shouldn’t get an education”

      Pdoc knows about CAMHS but camhs doesn’t know about pdoc πŸ˜›
      I hope they do something on the good side. I have more faith with the paid for pdoc tbh though.

      • voice is smart. πŸ™‚

        pdoc knowing is good, That is the way to approach it. I am sure there are some good pdocs with CAMHS, if the system starts to work better for you it would take the financial burden off. You will find out in less than a week. I am sure you will get a feeling for how things could work there on Thursday. hmm, what is your expected mood then?

        • Haha, well it is my concious.

          well, I was only planning on seeing the paid for pdoc one more time. I know how things work there πŸ˜› I have a friend whose sister went through it, I have read forums, yahoo answers – mixed reviews. The worse the situation, the worse the review. Suppose it’s because the better you are the longer you can wait. I don’t have a lot of faith in the whole system anyway. Too many services like this are bad.

          Expected mood? Well, I honestly don’t know. If we’re going from the first day where hypomania was actually there that would be 6th November, so the 8 day cycle it seems to be on I would say it would end Wednesday. Meaning mixed episode for Thursday. But who knows?

  4. nods, I am reminding you again, people that are happy with things don’t complain, often don’t say anything. those that have met with someone that hasn’t helped. or, and this is big, don’t listen or try, and there are many of those, more on that soon, they complain.

    There are good pdocs munchkin, and good therapists, lots of good help, you may find the nurses to be just so fantastic. Some really care, I would hope all do. But like anything there are good people in every field. So never give up, if there is a personality clash or a not comfortable feeling, as for someone else. On the other hand though, you must give them a fair shot.

    Now, following up. suggestions are often made, but often patients “know better”… but do they? I know it is hard sometimes, and some suggestions you will feel.. well that won’t work for me. It is all the little things though, that work up to the BIG thing. Sometimes fixing little things.. all of a sudden you discover the big thing is gone. I wonder if you know what I mean. Suspect you do. There may/will be times you will go, that doesn’t work for me, but maybe along with something else.. it does. *smiles* It isn’t all just meds, oh yes, adjusting chemistry is important. Some things need working out too though, talking though things, suggestions that are not med related will be made…

    so why the rambling… just give things a real good chance. When you show to them that you are trying hard too, you get more back, The people on the other side of the desk/couch/chair… lamp.. they realize you are trying harder, and they will too, that may not be fair either, and hard to do for you, frustrating as well. But you are worth it. Show them what a great person you are.

    omg.. I am manic and she is writing a book.. lol… *hugs*

    • Not true. I’m not happy with things and I don’t complain. SK just has her own issues. Trying to get all the attention being one of them.

      I know there are good pdocs (I won’t see a therapist because of how the system is), my paid for pdoc is a good one. Yeah but nurses aren’t the ones with final say; that’s the problem. While nurses are caring. The people they work with make the final say and they COULD just be idiots. I am giving them a fair shot, if I wasn’t prepared to, I wouldn’t be going.

      I don’t believe it’s a case that patients know better. They know themselves better. No one is going to do something they don’t believe in. It’s just human nature. For example, I don’t believe in herbal remedies for majority of things so I don’t use them whereas my friends, mothers friend swears by herbal cures. I know “the talking cure” is a part of it and I know fixing the little things help. I have no little things though. Bipolar. Insomnia. Aren’t little. They’re big. Otherwise I wouldn’t care. I do understand what you’re saying; I get it. Whether it’s true for me or not is yet to be seen. But majority of my treatment is medications; chemistry based. The smaller bit is talking. Nothing else is needed.

      Like I said, I am going to give things a chance. If I wasn’t prepared to, I wouldn’t go. I’m not going to try too hard or too little. I don’t see how I can even try! I can’t attempt to surpress my symptoms for them. I’m not going to make they’re job harder but I’m not going to make it easier because it hurts everyone involved. I won’t get the right treatment. They won’t do right for me. However, my feeling is that if you’re in that profession especially with children and teens you have to put up with people not wanting help because they don’t believe there is anything wrong. If a person in said profession is not prepared to deal with those sorts of people, then they’re really in the wrong job.

      Who’s manic? Who’s writing a book? … huh

  5. bol, way to go Munchkin.

    I suspect many are overwhelmed with cases, heavy caseloads and not enough staff, unfortunately this leads to care that is lacking. I would hope this isnt happening..

    The system doesn’t allow you a therapist too?

    The nurses can be a huge help. They can do a lot and also act as a go between for you and what ever resources you will require. I hope you meet a great pdoc and nurse, and that they can restore your faith a bit. But more so, that finding great ones, that you get the treatment, and proper treatment.

    Yes, there are little steps that can help, each small one adds up. Meds that are used short term for some issues, breathing therapy for anxiety, I know you said it didn’t work, but along with some meds, perhaps it will be more effective, there are therapy’s too that are new. For example for ptsd there is an eye movement therapy, while it doesn’t solve the issue, it is a successful step for many.

    I really hope you don’t end up with one of the “idiots”. You can or should be able to request someone else if that occurs, personality clashes can be claimed. You need to be comfortable with them right?

    On a side note. I was talking with a girl yesterday, more my age, she is suffering from ptsd.
    She has had dissociative episodes much like yours. Also hallucinations and insomnia. I am only saying this, again to help you understand a bit more. The eye movement therapy has worked quite well for her. It is sometimes many small steps that make the journey complete.

    oh, happy saturday. πŸ˜‰

    • Lol πŸ˜›

      That is the problem. But many people (even someone who used to work there) says they try and shift the older ones (so sort of people my age) to the end of the list in the hopes they can get us to 18 without starting treatment with us. So we’re adult mental health problem now… if that made sense.

      No, from what I know you either have a psychiatrist, psychologist or a councellor. Unless you have councelling at school say, in which case you can have a psychiatrist AND a councillor. They may work together.

      That’s not how it’ll go down. It’ll go like this: I go, they say “do this&that and come back”. I’ll see paid for psychiatrist; he’ll diagnose me with some such mental illness. We tell CAMHS, they say “oh, really?” – speeds process. Hopefully.

      I do a breathing therapy as well as diazepam. I only do it when depressed though as anxiety isn’t a problem in mania. An eye movement therapy? That sounds intriguing :O Tell me more…

      You should be, but I don’t think they’re going to be the ones I see regularly anyway so it doesn’t matter if they’re not the one I’ll see regularly then it’ll annoy me but it wouldn’t be terrible. Thing is and don’t take this to sound mean but I would prefer a woman psychiatrist or a man smaller than me (but since I’m only 5’4 it’ll probably be a woman to be a woman) – I think it’s just a comfort thing. I still have problems trusting males. Especially ones taller than me. Male family I can trust. Not really others. My paid for psychiatrist is a similar height to me.

      What hallucinations, like auditory and visual or just auditory or just visual? The eye movement therapy again?! I need to know.. I’ll google it. Googled it. That sounds scary but if it helps it helps πŸ˜› It makes me feel less comforted because as I was reading it, it said: Maladaptive beliefs are also identified (e.g., “I can’t trust people” or “I can’t protect myself.”) < I feel like I can't trust males or protect myself. -_- Don't know quite how to feel. Well, I'm manic so I'm still overly happy πŸ˜›
      Not to ask too much personal info but does she just (not that it should be taken lightly) have PTSD or does she have something else as well?

      Happy Saturday to you too πŸ™‚

  6. hmmm, where to start. height first. nods. oh, we are the same height. πŸ˜‰ . I totally understand wanting a female. I receive that request often, not just from females though. I think many find females to be more emphatic, it is a normal request, not always heeded, pdocs and therapists should be aware and make you feel comfortable male or female, but a female would be much better for you. I also understand the taller issue. I wonder if that is a part of that sleeve you saw, and your trapped themed dreams.

    If there is a chance, tell them exactly what you just told me, where your comfort is. Your preferences. stomp your feet even.

    She has a GAD and panic attacks as well. possibly bpd. PTSD is the larger issue, it is causing all the other troubles. Auditory and visual. Complex voices. suicidal thoughts, no self harm. no self esteem. Insomnia. Actually she really needs meaningful hugs. I know that sounds light. but that is part of the problem too. It often is.

    That really sucks that they are delaying treatment until 18, really really sucks. Time to be a squeaky wheel Munchkin… actually roar like a lion. Yes if p4pdoc manages a diagnosis sooner to speed things up, it is good. Anything to accelerate things.

    EMDR is somewhat new, there are different ways to apply it. Some respond well. There are so many possible causes for the traumatic event, that treatment will vary. How complex it is or has become, time too.

    hope your weather is better than ours. lol. tomorrow though it may be sunny and warm.. cause the weather forecasters are never wrong…. *chokes*

    • omg! That’s awesome! the same height thing πŸ˜€
      Maybe. It does make sense. I just thought I prefer smaller males because they’re easier to tackle πŸ˜‰ How would be taller and the sleeve be connected? I’ve been thinking about the trapped dreams. I think (and I only know very basic psychology and hardly understand myself at this point :P) that it’s my body reacting to a feeling of being trapped with her. I suppose I was mentally. I suppose maybe I still am; mental wise. Maybe. I dno. Just speculating here πŸ˜›

      I will, but I think I’ll see the people first. I’d be wrong to reject the guy then meet him and he’s only 5ft tall πŸ˜› Then I go :O ‘sowwy’

      Aw, poor girl. That really is horrible. I suppose we do sort of suffer from ‘similar’ issues in a way. Of course, I do self harm. But I’m not addicted. I just do it when really suicidal. I think if I just had depression, I may have got addicted but having mania intersparsed stops self harming addiction. Complex, how? (sorry I don’t mean to ask so many questions; I just am interested)

      Exactly speeding up is good.
      It is annoying. I know a 17 year old who was literally stringed along by camhs until she turned 18 at which point they just said “k, bye. Go to adults” – obviously probably nicer.

      Isn’t that the same with every treatment? *pulls knowing face*

      The weather today has been dry, little bit of sun, but cold.
      Haha, well hopefully they’re right this time.

  7. eeeeeeeps…. tackling your pdoc.. checks the rule book… noooo.. you can’t do that… see page 45.. rule number..uhm.. 584.. no tackling the pdoc… lol

    complex as in full sentences, suggestions.. ideas.

    That is really annoying munchkin, that they play with someones mind and string them along so they don’t have to treat them. Be noisy.

    same with every treatment, hmm, yes, as it can be complex. Few things are certain, as many things are often at play.

    Taller is more menacing. When younger, most adults are taller, I don’t want to poke into your events too much. I am worried with this part, the sleeve hallucination could relate to an image in your mind.. someone reaching for you. That goes along with the trapped feeling.

    now.. I saw a preview for Once Upon A time or ouat.. lol. With red and the wolf. That is a lot like that movie red riding hood. Same theme. They haven’t done a lot with red yet. I thought they would a long time ago. But they usually do a few things, I wonder what else they will introduce. Humpty dumpty?

    shorty. *giggles* πŸ˜‰

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