I do love the story of bonfire night, with guy falkes. Just love it.
Remember, remember the fifth of November, the gun powder, treason and plot. I see no such reason, why gunpowder treason should ever be forgot.
I’m not actually going to see the fireworks (though I will hear them), I remember when I was younger and we went to the fair and dad used to put me on his shoulders and then when my brother was born, we’d switch around but get bored of the fireworks very fast and go home. We only came for the fair.
Today was okay for majority of it. I was agressive till late morning, I then went up to a sort of hypomanic state and then down to a depressed but sort of happy state and then agressive and angry again. fucking mixed episodes.
So the agressiveness, I snapped at people when they spoke to me otherwise I tried to stay quiet, I acted disinterested and angry. But if a person was to yell at me about it (which they didn’t), I probably would have burst into tears. That’s how on the edge emotionwise I felt. I went into the classroom this morning and I saw SK, I sat on a different side of the room when our mutual friend came in they asked me to join them. Then Mrs AY talked to us about the yr 12 process and where we knew the A levels we wanted. I was thinking, yes: “Law, biology, psychology and chemistry” but then I thought, is that a bit too closed? It’s mainly science based subjects so am I ever closing off the other possibilities? Possibly… I may have to think about it. Anyway, I looked at SK and I still felt mad at her. I actually forgive quite easily (I forgave JLS, onto that later). So yeah, I was pretty damn mad. We left, I left without her.
Hypomania, began to go up in PE and I got happy and very talkative and ended up telling MR about my bipolar disorder. I always end up regretting it. But I don’t think when in any manic or hypomanic state. I came into maths and JLS just yelled “I’m breaking up with SHo” << her boyfriend. I sat down, read her texts. Yes she did begin to break up with him via text but they live in different parts of the city. They only see eachother really at church and youth club stuff. He makes her feel bad and guilty a lot. Much like emotional abuse. I used to like him but began to dislike him after I heard (and read on texts) how he treated her. We got to talking and I told her how I felt and she said she was sorry and said the ADHD traits means she doesn’t really think as well. Plus just being self absorbed and changing the subject is just her being a little unthinking and not really a reason to hold a grudge. At lunch, JLS and I had to sit near English to get a signal for her phone. JLS was still beating around the bush, hinting to her boyfriend that she didn’t really want to stay together but not saying it. It may sound mean but I told her I would just come out and say it. Just say “let’s break up” because I feel in the long run it’ll cause everyone less pain. But she continued. But I think he finally got the message and JLS began to get teary in health…
I don’t know whether it was because I watched a friend cry and get stress, the general atmosphere or just a come down, but I went back to feeling very disconnected and angry. I got angry with my teacher because she had given everyone a job to research that they wanted to do. She gave ND psychologist, AaS physio. I was okay with ND getting psychologist when I thought everyone got a different on but when I learnt ER and AK had the same ones and so did some others. I did get annoyed, of course I didn’t think through that we were getting another one next lesson (or something) so maybe I’ll get psychologist then.
Something that wasn’t apart of my moods… Or maybe it was… I don’t really know. But I was in RE and we were talking about Euthansia and were saying that by not allowing euthansia we were just giving people the option of suicide which would be termed a bad death. The talk of suicide gets me uncomfortable at the best of times but then voices came and just so I wasn’t upset enough about hearing suicide is a “bad death”, a thing I fight a daily basis when depressed. I had voices reminding me about it, well two. They then just ran a running commentary on what I’m doing for about 5mins. I was going to go home after RE if they didn’t stop because I couldn’t stand their taunting. But they did. I was going to tell JLS or someone but she was having boyfriend drama and the mood I went up to, that seemed a hell of a lot more exciting then real life commentary. I told my dad when I got home after I had finished yelling, hitting and pushing everyone. Not about them reminding me of the suicide attempt. Just them giving a running commentary.
I have a maths exam tomorrow which I know I’m going to do terribly at as I can barely think. I hardly know what a histogram is and have no idea how to work out a lot of the sums. But I need to get a C to do the A levels I want to do. If I don’t then I might as well forget about anything. Maths is the only subject my bipolar and insomnia has severely affected in a drastically negative way. So I need to spend my night revising.
Also, dad phoned got a consulatation at the sleep clinic for 3rd December… least I’ll probably be depressed then.
Wish me luck for tomorrow. Will bring the black cat which has been in my family for 4 generations (including me) because apparently it’s a good omen. Might see what the tarot cards say.