When having problems in life and I don’t just mean mental illness, it’s good to have a past time. I try to stay creative, Hama beads, jewellery making with beads and scoobies.
But things get in the way of past times. School, work. You buck up the energy to do that and after that you just don’t have the energy to do anything else. But I am going to try this weekend to try and do something with the hama beads which will take me an hour or two. Just so I can see that I have accomplished something. I then, to prove said accomplishment will post a picture of what I have made with the hama beads.
I had the day off school today.
Not because of depression for once. But because the wheel bearings on my dad’s car (when he got it officially examined, another hour on that bearing and the wheel would have come off) was ruined we couldn’t be driven. My dad said if the wheel had come off it wouldn’t have killed us. I looked at him and, no word of a lie said: “But father, if a wheel were to come off then the car would pull the other way possibly ending up with us crashing into a wall or off a bridge”. He told me to shut up (in a jokey way). I’ve been spending my time watching ‘My Family’ and listening to music.
Surprisingly today, I don’t feel as depressed and it’s been rapidly flucuating between very depressed and slightly depressed for the past few days. Which can be an indicator for me that a mixed episode or mania is going to come on. If I was to go into a mixed episode, depression would be the prominent mood meaning I can get very suicidal and mania gives me the energy to do something about it. But suicidal feelings contridict my deeply ingrained self presavation instinct, so my mind has a battle. Since the last suicide attempt, I haven’t tried again.
I’ve being using my mood diary as a clue as when the next episode is. It’ll be 3 weeks Monday that my depression period started, so a mixed episode would go nicely with that. Well, not nicely. But it’ll make sense if a mixed episode was all next week and then I had mania for the two-three weeks after that bringing us to about the time I have to give in my mood diary/end of November. Though using that same equation I’ll be depressed for Christmas and going up for new year. If we’re going to my sister’s for Christmas (which we might not do because her son and grandson are living there now) I’ll be forced to join in the jollities of Christmas, which is not something I really think I’d partake in when depressed. Though if I was manic, Christmas would probably result in a full blown manic episode and that wouldn’t be good either as I’d be dangerous to myself (possibly others). But we’ll see, I could be on medication then. Though going to a psychiatrist a week or two before Christmas is not good because if you begin to get side effects as the medication builds up in your system, then you can’t really get hold of him because he’ll be off for Christmas, really you don’t get sense from anyone till about the 3rd-4th of January.
My dad doesn’t think I know he drinks. He hides the bottles and the cartons behind the curtain. But I’m not an idiot. His moods go from normal to really happy to depressed and abusive. I know why he does it. It’s the same reason I contemplate cannabis. But I think once he has his cataracts removed, he’ll stop drinking. He keeps saying holidays but it’s one excuse after another to not get the operation. He of course can’t get it at Christmas time but, my school timetable drastically reduces in May and I don’t have to go in definitely at the end of June, so I’ll make him make the appointment for next year. I only mention this because he’s drinking now.
All this stress is really tensing up my muscles, I have knots in my back, shoulders and neck and I think I need to get a massage. Not that I want people to see the scars on my wrists, think I’ll just wear my long gloves. But they’re killing me and I think a massage would relax my muscles getting rid of some of the pain. Think I’ll have to look into that.
As for the sleep clinic, I got the letter today asking us to make an appointment. I think this one is a constulatation. But a problem arises. If the sleep clinic, the one where I actually have to go in and stay is whilst manic, they’ll be no sleep to monitor. I don’t sleep for 2-3 days whilst manic. Sleep an hour. Then another 2-3 days. Which is why depression is good as it gives me between 1-2 hours sleep. Though I slept four last night but had another horrific nightmare. My eyes are blood shot and I think I’ve developed rapid leg syndrome due to the insomnia. So that sucks.
LOL, thought I wasn’t going to have anything to write about. But I wrote all this…