So I have mentioned paranoia a lot recently, but I feel like I have not really described how I actually feel with it.
The reason I think it”s become such as issue is because firstly, I can’t trust whether what I’m seeing and hearing is actually there. Secondly, I can’t even trust myself due to the thoughts and the moods – which I’m beginning to see as the norm.
I hate whispering. I always am convinced it’s about me. If someone says something, I usually take it the wrong way as I get convinced that everyone hates me, that everyone is actually conspiring against me. Which makes it hard to be in a school with 1000 kids. All talking, all looking at me (which everytime, I get convinced it’s a dirty look). It’s a really awful feeling because there’s part of you that says “the illness is making you feel like that” but then there’s the other part that says “maybe your illness has just made you more aware of how much people dislike you”. So I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. It worsens my depression. It’s really awful. It’s just the constant on edge feeling that I have to prick my ears up when anyone whispers.
I’ve also been thinking about what happened yesterday when I told SK about why I was off Tuesday. She did the last thing I expected anyone to do if I were to tell them. She repeated my name over and over again and not in a “I’m not thinking, I need your attention” sort of way or “like this” sort of way. She was just doing it because she knows I hate it and how horrible it was.
Why is my self esteem so low? Why am I so paranoid? I’m paranoid they’ll tell someone if I were to tell them I don’t want to be friends. I finally got to a stage where I wasn’t insecure about people teasing me. Now I can’t stand even playful jibing.
I bought a tarot card book and set of cards, I know a lot of you maybe a bit skeptical. I was just interested and it said that in my future I will: Recover from an illness.
This sounds right because it doesn’t say cured, just recover meaning I will learn to manage it.
To end this short blog on a positive note: “A diazepam a day will keep the panic attacks away” <<< my new motto.