Paranoia’s a bitch

So I have mentioned paranoia a lot recently, but I feel like I have not really described how I actually feel with it.

The reason I think it”s become such as issue is because firstly, I can’t trust whether what I’m seeing and hearing is actually there. Secondly, I can’t even trust myself due to the thoughts and the moods – which I’m beginning to see as the norm.

I hate whispering. I always am convinced it’s about me. If someone says something, I usually take it the wrong way as I get convinced that everyone hates me, that everyone is actually conspiring against me. Which makes it hard to be in a school with 1000 kids. All talking, all looking at me (which everytime, I get convinced it’s a dirty look). It’s a really awful feeling because there’s part of you that says “the illness is making you feel like that” but then there’s the other part that says “maybe your illness has just made you more aware of how much people dislike you”. So I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. It worsens my depression. It’s really awful. It’s just the constant on edge feeling that I have to prick my ears up when anyone whispers.

I’ve also been thinking about what happened yesterday when I told SK about why I was off Tuesday. She did the last thing I expected anyone to do if I were to tell them. She repeated my name over and over again and not in a “I’m not thinking, I need your attention” sort of way or “like this” sort of way. She was just doing it because she knows I hate it and how horrible it was.
Why is my self esteem so low? Why am I so paranoid? I’m paranoid they’ll tell someone if I were to tell them I don’t want to be friends. I finally got to a stage where I wasn’t insecure about people teasing me. Now I can’t stand even playful jibing.

I bought a tarot card book and set of cards, I know a lot of you maybe a bit skeptical. I was just interested and it said that in my future I will: Recover from an illness.
This sounds right because it doesn’t say cured, just recover meaning I will learn to manage it.

To end this short blog on a positive note: “A diazepam a day will keep the panic attacks away” <<< my new motto.


38 thoughts on “Paranoia’s a bitch

  1. I HATE whispering. It really really annoy’s me. If someone wants to whisper something to me, I don’t want to hear it. If someone else is whispering, I give them a look. (shows you the look). lol… is a very good look.

    Recovering. yes. But you know I could show you soooo many people that have “recovered”.

    Self esteem is tricky. I did a post on self esteem, you read it and were going to ponder it. Low self esteem and depression and anxiety are all linked. I did another post on Self-Schema, which I don’t think you read. It explains it much more. The post is called Self Image.

    Sometimes friends tease, sometimes it hurts, they may realize it at the time, they may not. There are times, like this time, where it really really hurts. If only they knew.

    • I only don’t mind whispering when someone is trying to speak while the teacher is trying to speak. I just mind it when there’s no need. Least my paranoia is logical.

      But how would that help me?

      I know about the self-schema, I’ve read psychology books and I know self image. Yeah, it’s pretty easy to figure that low self esteem, depression and anxiety are linked. It’s pretty obvious with bipolar.

      See, I accept the premise to that. But everyone knows there is a limit. It hurts when a friend of mine calls me crazy but I know she doesn’t mean it nasty, she just doesn’t think. But the girl who kept saying my name heard me say: “I just get some upset if I hear my name now, especially if they repeat it” so she did know, which is why I don’t accept it.

  2. how would that help? just to know that there is hope. *hugs*

    Nods, low self esteem takes a while to happen too, so it takes a while to build back up. If you read about self schema you will know that, and how events shape your schema. Just to point out why you may feel you have low self esteem. Paranoia too, but that can be from other things.

    People can be very mean Munchkin. Not just kids, some by accident, some seem to thrive on hurting others.

    • I think it did build up at some point because I could laugh off a lot critism, I mean I used sarcasm as I defense but it was healthier than letting it affect me negatively.

      Yeah, I started a psychology GCSE but stopped part way through due to everything. But still had the material so i browsed through it at my lesuire. I know that the main cause of my paranoia is the voices and visions. That is definitely the main cause. But could be a minor cause as my mother was very, very paranoid.

      Yeah I know, I just wanted to point out in my blog this is some of the treatment people can receive with mental illness as people don’t understand it because it’s outside there view of rational thoughts which is why I’m sure now majority of people don’t believe me.

      • I know, some are terrible with they way they treat someone that is ill. It is beyond sad. Partially because they are ignorant, and scared of it too I think. Just downright mean too.

        There are other causes for paranoia and the voices. But hearing the voices would certainly be one.

            • I think some people do and they make up for it by being extra nice the next day. Like they say something, but when lying in bed they realize it was mean. If they feel remorse for what they’ve done 99% of the time I’ll forgive them.

              About to read your blog now… Is it the PTSD one? I’ll read it now and write what I think. Okay done.

              May I ask and correct me if I’m wrong did you direct that specific blog to me because you are hinting at something 😉

              • nods, it is good to forgive, and strong if you can do it. but when it hurts so much, It is too bad they can’t see that before speaking. Perhaps when they grow up a bit.

                nods, the ptsd one.

                hmmm. yes. I am. what do you think?

                • That’s why I’m not forgiving that girl. If I had explicitly said I hate it now and she heard. So it can’t even be contruded as a joke. Just plain mean.

                  Well, writtenwise very inspiring and articulate and thought provoking.
                  In terms of illness itself. I’m getting the hint you think I have it or a form of it. It has crossed my mind. I mean, the nightmares started and then the insomnia a month or two before the bipolar started. So it is a possibility. I don’t think the psychiatrist will look into that until the bipolar is stablized. But medications to treat bipolar will treat PTSD, so that’s good. Maybe he’ll be able to diagnose it if I take the pills and still have nightmares.

  3. I didn’t get into the treatment much, some meds are different to treat PTSD. Some are used short term to help overcome some of the issues. Therapy is great for this, not just meds, to help sort things out. Quite frankly I was concerned about that post and how you could or would react. I don’t want to open wounds when I am not face to face for reactions. Again I think you know what I mean.

    Do you have it, I can’t say obviously.I feel it is a very strong possibility. Don’t you? For a few reasons actually, but this is only from what I have garnered from your posts. Not the same as a session. I suspect he is looking at it,, your pdoc, if you told him everything. This is why very open sessions are important. But I think you did open up to him.

    I wanted you to know some of the symptoms, so you can ponder them a bit. to relate them to what you experience. Just, maybe to let you know, perhaps where some of these things you experience are coming from. I know how some of them torment you so. And the worry about why.

    I am debating a follow up blog, the treatment and how some are more susceptible to it than others.

    • Yeah, some are quite different I suspect. But I don’t think PTSD would be as bad (assuming for sake of argument I’ve got it) if my bipolar was treated.
      I wouldn’t react badly to such a post. Firstly, because both yours and mine are free countries with free speech. Secondly, it’s not preachy and it’s not really opinionated. It’s facts. I can’t get mad at facts.

      I don’t like self diagnosising, so I can’t say (although it is a hypocritical statement from me) but if I had to but a probability on it, I’d say in the high medium area 😛
      The psychiatrist might start looking for it once he’s dealt with the bipolar or may come across it in the process of sorting medications. I’m not really at a ‘therapy stage’ at the moment. I probably won’t be in the ‘therapy’ stage till beginning of next year. Maybe then it’ll be obvious to whomever I’m with.

      I have looked up the symptoms. Just some of the main symptoms are true of bipolar disorder. Like numbing, intrusive thoughts are true of depression. Fast heart beat is true of anxiety. Difficulty sleeping and concentrating is part of depression as well. So it’s hard to sort of know the difference. I figured out why they torment me, because my brain is either weak or evil… I don’t know which is worse 😉

      It would be interesting if you were to do that but I don’t want to force you into anything.

      On a side note, my brother just said my name whilst sleep talking and I sat there for a few seconds thinking: “real or fake? Brother or hallucination?” :/ annoying.

  4. Nods, just facts to enlighten you. I know how much the hallucinations have tormented you, This is just to show you some reasons or possibilities, Perhaps to help you cope.

    I can’t say what your pdoc is thinking or how he will proceed. I would hope he looks at many things at once. I will do a follow up post soon, in the next few days.

    real or fake, that is something that is going to bother you a lot, just don’t react to something, unless very sure it is real.

    • the dentist light girl may be the one to help me cope. The rest make it worse. I still haven’t seen dentist light girl. She did faintly appear in the back of a chair in assembly (like a reflective chair) but I think that was me wishing too hard.

      he’ll read the mood diary and see. But someone on a bipolar forum told me the likely diagnosis, not that I should believe everything. they said: bipolar type 1 with psychotic features. Which apparently is the “worst type”.

      I know it’s my brother, the voices usually come from infront of where I am or all around me. That voice came from the back of me and he always sleep talks around this time. Like clockwork. Wonder what specific part of the sleep cycle he’s entering.

      • well, again, don’t assume a diagnosis. I disagree with that one. We all tend to assume the worst.

        He probably woke up for some reason, sleep talking can be in all stages of sleep, but if there is a clarity, it is more likely in a lighter stage. Deeper stages, that would be normal for this time of night, is more like gibberish or mumbles.

          • no, that is true, we fear the worst for ourselves. For others we always have hope. 🙂

            keep in mind munchkin, it isn’t simple. lack of sleep, possibly ptsd too. they are making it more complicated. More troublesome, not to make you worry, I know I go on a lot about your lack of sleep, but you know how much that messes up your mind and body. When things are managed, and sleep to, some of the intensity is going to reduce.

            woo hoo, it is the weekend 😉 of course it has been so for you for a while now. Our time changes tonight, think yours did last week?

            • Exactly.

              I know how bad sleep depriviation has made things. The most obvious for others is my school work and memory. For me, it’s the same but obviously just the general lack of sleep andc the bad feelings assoicated. I’m going to try 4mg of diazepam tonight. Get an appointment for the doctors next week because I know I need higher doses. Also make sleep clinic appointment.

              Yeah ours went back an hour on the 28th. It’s been the weekend for 14hrs 😉 seeing as it is 14:43 😛

              • will you try the diazepam at what would be a “normal” bed time?

                maybe after a nice long soak in a hot bath just before bed. It would help loosen up your tight muscles. and maybe relax you a bit. Give the diazepam more of a chance to work.

                oh, you are just too darn fast with your time. lol. I dislike this time of year that is coming, with the shortened daylight.

                How are your ears today?

                  • hmmmm, normal was two to three. ok, I have to ask why. You know me by now. lol

                    awww a hot bath would be nice. well a long hot shower perhaps? Until you are yelled at to hurry up. 😉

                    perhaps if you go to the doc next week you can see about your ears too. See that is me being all motherly now. 🙂

                    blech, it is snowing out a bit.

                    • sometime it was because I’d taken a nap from 4pm till 6pm and sometimes it was because of homeowork.

                      that’s a variable. No, it’s gotta be like a normal night otherwise no point.

                      Well someone ought to be 😛

                      I like to snow when it’s fresh and crunchy and you’re just walking through the park. But when you’re in a place where someone is to throw snowballs at you, that’s when it gets horrible.,

  5. I know munchkin *hugs* you need some some motherly tenderness.

    Well they were just snow flurries, hopefully nothing sticks for a while yet.

    You don’t like snow ball fights? They are fun if with friends, not so much with bullies.

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