I know I talk about my nights a lot. Especially when dissociative episodes happen.But I think I should write about how a normal night goes.
My dad goes to bed around 9-10pm.
My younger brother around 10-12am.
So this means I am on my own.
Because I don’t sleep, it is hard to say when one day begins and one day ends. Most people count the time before they officially wake up as “last night”.
Whereas I have to count it when midnight strikes (HAPPY HALLOWEEN BTW).
I know it’s not a big thing but it is an annoyance sometimes..
Anyway, the lonliness. It is really lonely to be awake, in an empty room, all by yourself.
It’s even harder when the slighest noise sets your alarms ringing.
Both the boys in my house sleep talk, so sometimes I mistake that for hallucinations because I have no friggin’ clue anymore, what’s what.
I hear the wind blowing the plants and mistake that for an intruder due to the paranoia.
Depression sets in pretty hard and I have no one to talk to at this point. Partly due to the fact no one is awake at this hour. Partly because I get so low in confidence and faith in humans, i feel that I’m not worth it. Partly to there is literally no one I can talk to. No one is on anything when I need them.
So I try to relax, listen to music, read. Music eventually becomes boring. My eyes eventually get too tired to read and the words blur.
I usually continue to eat or/and drink. So I don’t brush my teeth. On a good night, I will fall asleep before I have to wake up and not brush them. On a bad night, I just think “I’m awake, no need to brush them”. But I always regret it and because nowadays any piece of guilt kills me and just heightens my anxiety. So I try and stay away from stressors and guilt.
Hard thing to do when you have to go to a place you hate 5 days a week. Don’t get me wrong, the premise of school I don’t hate. I’m just not fond of the people. I’m not fond of the building. I’m not fond of the teachers. If only there was a way to teach yourself…
There is! The internet.
But that is why there is an increase on depressed feelings at night for people because they’re alone.
As for Daily LOL and fashion drawings. Still on hiatus. However I have created a twitter account for my blog. This is a service I will use to update on new blogs, quotes, thoughts and general musings. There is a button on the side with 10 recent tweets but just for he lazy people ;), here is the link: @obvioussecretsh