Where do we even start?
So you know I had the dissociative episode. Well around the 3am mark. I heard voices. They weren’t self depricating. They weren’t saying kill myself. They were just calling my name over and over. Out of unison. I think there was between 8-10 people. You may think “they were just calling your name, it’s not that bad”
But for me it is because anytime anyone actually says my name, they’re mad at me or want me to do something I don’t want to do. Saying it over and over again would drive even the sanest person mad.
So they started and I sat silently for a few minutes waiting for it to stop because they’d been doing this for almost a week now and it’d only last 30secs to a minute.
But it didn’t stop.
Just continued. My name being repeated by several different (I wanted to put people but they’re not, gotta remember that) voice. Females and males. I say between 8-10 because I couldn’t distingush different voices because they were whispering over eachother. I could really only make out there was a lot of them and a mix of female and male.
I then began to feel very disconnected to my surroundings. My sense of feeling became hardened, I could feel things but majority of textures just feel the same. So I began to panic. I usually can keep my cool when this floaty, disconnected feelig happens. But what with the voices being the only thing that sounded real to me. It was stressfull.
The suicidal feelings then rose and I self harmed (and much to the disdain of one person, I am not posting pictures of my scars). Usually I let the blood just dry on my arm but I wiped it off with a tissue.
Now to understand this next bit, I need to explain the lay out of my room.
On the backwall is a collage I made of a singer, a P!ATD flyer and a picture of Catherine Tate and David Tenant as Donna and the Doctor. I then have a TV, teddies on a set of drawers.
On the wall on my right is a massive poster of the members of P!ATD, a drawing, some song lyrics and a picture of Hogwarts with printed signtures.
On the wall behind me is a HP poster from the 1st movie, a painted canvas that my brother painted, MCR poster and a cat picture.
On the wall to my left is EA poster, Hello Kitty and Robert Sheehan (on seperate posters, not together). With a book case next to it which has picture frames and contains baby pictures and teen pictures of me, my brother and my dad.
Back to the story, as I was cutting and hearing these voices, I was sucidal and exceptionally paranoid and I thought all the posters and pictures were staring at me and judging me, so I took the picture frames down and started to remove the posters but I couldn’t get the thumb tacks out of one of the posters because I was shaking with… God knows.
So I ran to the bathroom, crying and began mopping up the blood from my wrist. A panic attack began to errupt and so I felt faint and went to sit down on the chair in my dad’s room. Dad awoke due to him hearing me hyperventilating. He told me to come lie on his bed and calm down but I was hot, flustered and restless.
So I began to pace. I’m surprised I didn’t pace myself through the floor.
I just began talking and talking. To distract myself but the voices were still going strong. Due to the change in temperature and the almost panic attack, I was violently coughing intermittedly. I think it was around 5:30 I went into his room and began to pace. Eventually I began the subject of psych wards.
Boy did the voices have a field day with that!
Some of the voices stopped calling my name but instead just whispered “crazy” “crazy girl” at me.
I did the thing where you sound like you’re going to cry (and I was) but fight back the tears.
Around 6:15, I was tired. The adrenline from the panic attack had gone back to normal level but like usual it makes me tired. So I was tired and still upset and several voices left. I then said “Fuck this, I’m tired” and took two diazepam pills (4mg). Still woozy and dizzy. I laid down (the diazepam had not kicked in because this was literally ten seconds later) but I got ansty again and paced. Only to end back in dad’s bed. He then soon got up. I feel asleep around 7:20am. After being in bed for 1/2 hour. I slept till about 10am. Had a nightmare. Woke up panicked. I really only fell asleep because the voices gradually reduced from 8-10, 6-8, 4-6, 3, 2, 1, 0.
As to whether the diazepam worked, it’s not really a fair test because I was tired from the adrenalie and pacing, so we’ll try it another night.
But yes, that is my night. Wonderful isn’t it?
You may think that it’s impossible to have such drama filled blogs nearly everyday but trust me, my dears. This is 100% accurate.
So last night I was a ‘5’ on the mood diary scale. Now I’m about a ‘2’. So that’s a big improvement in one day.