Oh computer, how I love thee.No idea how much I would miss you when you were gone. But you’re back.
I had so many blog ideas and what to write about but I hate writing on my phone. But that’s no longer a problem.
So over the holidays I watched some DVDs. I sort of regret watching a lot of DVDs in a short space of time. The whole reason I stopped watching them was because I hated the fact I no longer enjoyed them and I hated watching things I loved and know that if I wasn’t depressed I would enjoy these DVDs. The reason it worked with the two movies I watched is because it got me out of my head and they were brand new to me and it appealed to my curious side but I was watching CSI and at first it appealed to said curious side but now it bores me again and I have resumed lying in bed.
But we went back to school today and that is what you want to know about.
I went in and I was first in, I asked my dad to park in a different place and I walked a very long way round so as to avoid the smokers. So I was early.
I sat there and tried to avoid conversation. Majority of the human race is so predictible. First question asked when the girls I know walk through the door: “How was your holiday?” How did I answer? “Alright”.
Going through the diatribe of my holiday would just make people depressed. But I did say to a few people my holiday was awful.
My form tutor then asked to talk to me. She said: “So we got this letter…” The she just said she didn’t realize because I act okay in class. I sat there and began to curse her in my head. What people don’t understand is that it is not uncommon with bipolar disorder to have a dominant mood. Mine is depression and depression unlike mania is not as noticable. But she asked how I was coping. I’m not coping well. She asked if mentoring would help. I said it would but it depends with who. I personally would prefer a teacher I do not have to see everyday.
JLS wasn’t in English, I sat there drawing a picture of what I now commonly call “Dentist Light Girl”. I have been childish previously saying I don’t want help. I do. But I want to postpone till I see “Dentist Light Girl” again. Let me explain myself. Imagine your whole world was conspiring against you and that the voices and the visions were just to scare you and made you exceptionally paranoid making your ‘real’ world an uninhabitable place. Imagine then you saw a vision of someone who didn’t say anything nasty, just waved while you were in a ‘vunerable position’. I don’t really like to talk about it but wherever I am, I cross my legs. Not due to the SA (sex assualt) but due to when I was in Primary school and a boy went under the table and tried to grab the girl’s at my table’s ‘special area’. Being a precousious child, I was mentally in my late teens at that age and was dealing with understanding sexual things and that just messed my head up. Legs crossed, no on can touch. So when my legs aren’t crossed, I count that as vunerable. My dentist isn’t the sexual deviant type, but I have a trust issue thing with men.
I did play a little PE, but hurt my wrist and gave up.There’s this girl called ND in some of my classes and she knows I’m bipolar and she always asks how I am, in a caring way; legitimately wanting to know. But I feel bad for her because she gets picked on for being a lesbian. JLS makes dirty lesbian jokes. SK and some of that group ask horrible questions. Then this other girl spread a rumor ND performed oral sex on another girl. People were nasty to her about that as well. I like gossip but I only like it because it’s entertaining as majority of it is untrue and you gotta find a way to pass the time. I didn’t like the fact people treated her different. I sort of understood why SK treated ND because SK was alright with her when she first found out but then this rumour (which was true) got out ND fancied SK and it made things awkward and SK is an awkward turtle to begin with. She gets social anxiety. Not like panic attack in crowds but she loses her power of speech when talking in front of large groups or people in authority. So for her to be put into the spot light like that wasn’t going to bring out a good response. So I forgave SK for that. But the rest of them are legitimately mean.
RE I got a ‘B’ in my end of topic test, you may think that’s got but in my actual GCSE exam, I got an A* so I went down two whole grades. Which isn’t good. I drew some more pictures of “Dentist Light Girl” and then on my way back I bumped into BY and we talked for 5-7mins and then I went back. Lunch then health.
Health. We were learning about what it takes to be a Health and Social care worker. One of the activities was we were given 9 cards with different skills on and we had to list them in orde of importance in particular careers and one was: Art Therapist and as Mrs CW was describing what an art therapist is she said “They are to help with psychological issues” and she stared right at me. I know I’m paranoid but I swear I saw this; I swear she stared at me.
JLS talked to our sociology teacher about trouble at home and illness. She suggested it was because of stress, the illness being stress related. I can’t stand hearing about it. Why? Because she MAY have stress related illness like the beginning of mine when I was younger and NO ONE noticed it in me. I grew up living with all of that. I know I should have talked to someone but JLS gets a lot of help just based on assumptions. Mrs BG said that I should stop talking to JLS because of her home life. She unloads on me more than I ever unload on her. I have a mental illness. She doesn’t. Why am I always the one in the wrong?
Now, Amber, I don’t know whether you still read my blogs but I must say:
When you first sent me the link (and I read your blog) on “sensies”, I didn’t believe that I would experience some of it. Maybe some people in the World did, but I didn’t.
I’d like, if I may, to revise that. I have noticed that whilst my eye sight, general lack of awareness have declined. My smell sense has increased. I can smell a lot better. Like the other day my dad was eating mints and I could smell them from across the room. I thought that maybe they must be REALLY strong. But I asked my brother beside me if he could smell them. He couldn’t.
Healthwise, my ears (the inner outside) are infected and inflammed. Another nurse job, me thinks.
Now I am going to sort out my computer, rest and sort out my phone which I swear is broken. It refuses to charge. It’s been plugged in and it says it’s charging but it is taking a long time. We’ll see…
Anyway, it’s nice to be back.