My computer is still broken an I’m not a big fan of blogging from the wordpress app but blogging gives me a little bit of pleasure.
So to start things off: my hand. I’ve bruised the bone and cracked it, really tiny but I have. They said to keep my fingers moving and take pain killers but don’t put a lot of weight on it and if you want I can put it in an elastic support band. But I said I didn’t need it because I could move everything with pain and due to wear the crack is there’s no point in doing so.
Another point, whilst in the clinic there was a poster above my head for people with bipolar disorder and careers going to a support group. My dad said he should go. Partly joking and I got the feeling partly serious. But he said he couldn’t go because it’s on when it starts getting dark and he can’t see.
My computer: not my fault, not a virus. It’s just one of things. Basically it’s the hard drive so we took it into a computer shop and they can save all my files by putting it onto a new hard drive and altogether it’ll cost £150. Brilliant really. Partly sarcasm. But we werent sure. So we took it out of the shop and he said as long as I don’t attempt to turn it on, I can wait as long as I like until getting it fixed. My aunt is giving my dad £50 for a new tower for him but he already has one and a laptop so that and my Christmas money means I can get it fixed. But tomorrow I have to do my health essay on my dad’s computer and whilst on there I’m going to look at his Internet history to see if he has looked up bipolar disorder. What really swayed my dad in getting it fixed now is over a month worth of mood diary is on there.
Telling my dad: I told my dad about the visual hallucinations I’ve been having. He listened. I didn’t mention about the clown, but I did about the girl. Then I said ‘any thoughts? Opinions?’ he sat there and said:
“I don’t really know what to say, I’m not a doctor.”
“I know but I was just telling you so you knew and just I was concerned because it means things are getting worse”
“I know.” short pause. “all this medical stuff I’m learning from you I’ll be able to get a degree at the end”
Then we went into the shop and I bought fairy dust so the conversation was muted.
I keep getting a rapid heart beat at night recently and shaky legs. A friend I was talking to said about rapid leg syndrome. I pulled this face: -_-
I googled it’s possibly (and probably) an anxiety thing. But on a forum I read this:
“Having Bipolar Disorder means that you are very sensitive to everything from the slightest med change to external stimuli such as too much noise.”
I thought about it and I have been more sensitive to the environment recently. Probably so as to know whats hallucinating and what’s not.
Problem that arise is i become more empathetic with people. I always have been. I always used to grimace at hearing or seeing physical pain or emotional of another human being. Which is why I can’t tolerate it. My dad drilled through his finger and I was in tears almost because I imagined the pain. I’m okay with blood. But the pain. His nerves in the end of that finger are now like mine dead, except mine are in the very tips and have a little feeling whilst he has none. But I digress. It has it’s positives and negatives like most things.