Now depression itself is an illness and it’s an illness in bipolar as well. But when one realizes they are depressed or even gets diagnosed with any mental illness with depression in it, you think when you realize you have it about how it will affect everything from school to mornings. But my immediate thought wasn’t “how will I feel when depressed and ill?”
If you’ve yet to experience this little gem, I will tell you how I felt: bloody awful.
So when i first got ill, I did go up a bit. Like my body was saying: “Bless ya, kid. Feelin’ all ill, I’m gonna lift that awful depression a bit so you can tackle this darn illness” – yes, my body (or at least the chemicals) are somewhat southern or northern. I don’t know many stereotypes.
So it turns out I have laryngitis.
Hold back on the ‘aws’.
Because today my flu has come out. Worst part? It’s inflammed my gum (which wasn’t fully better and just needed those lovely white blood cells to deal with the little infection left) which also goes the same for my ear. My ear luckily isn’t crackling, just feels a bit full. The flu with laryngitis.
But now, my depression is back to bad and I’ve been feeling suicidal which is the worst possible feeling when you feel like ‘death warmed up’. So feeling sucidal is awful, lying there listening to your mind count the number of ways you can kill yourself and it convinces you that it’s better than being in such awful pain. For a moment, I believed it. At that moment, I pulled myself out of bed, went to the bathroom, washed my face, brushed my teeth, redid my plaits in my hair and I felt a little better and then I said to myself that lying in bed dwelling on this awful illness is pointless and if I’ve got nothing to do, I should go and blog about it. Which you can see I’m doing.
My dad always said that the flu has always “takes 3 days to come, 3 days to stay and 3 days to come” and so far I’ve found that to be true.
I’ve got orthodontist on Wednesday, but I’m not infecting other people when there is no need, so if I’m not better, than I refuse to go. My brother has a sleepover tomorrow so he is out of the way and might avoid my flu. But if my dad gets it (which he probably will), he will do nothing but moan. Then he’ll drink alcohol and this cough medicine thing. Having a cold only gives him an excuse to drink. Every other day he just hides it, like I’m stupid not to know the diffence between him being sober and him being drunk. He drinks when he’s in pain and gives me evil looks or moans when I take pain pills. I’ve never heard anyone die from taking two parcetmol every couple of days. I have heard them die from a drink every few days.
At nights, I hear both my dad and brother sleep talking. People sleep talk when they’re worried. I used to sleep talk when I was depressed and anorexic and my stress handling system hadn’t fully formed yet. I mean I might sleep talk if I slept, currently I’m sleeping two hours. Which means I get two hours break from this awful pain! I digress, but obviously sleep talking usually means stress. I could sort of understand my dad’s stress. Buncha kids, court things (explained in tomorrow’s blog), me and other grown up stuff. But I sit in my bed wondering what my brother’s stress is. I hear majority of his xbox live conversations and the only bad or worrying thing I heard was he fell out with his friend. I don’t know, maybe he’s more worried about things like his GCSEs next year then he lets on.
I sometimes worry that I overshadow him. I have a mental illness, I get ill a lot, I’m doing my GCSEs now and hence will be the first girl (possibly person) to go to university etc. So he doesn’t get as much attention as he deserves. I also worry (though it is a silly worry as it only seems to be on the girl geneline that things go wrong) that my brother could develop a mental illness. But we wouldn’t notice it because of me. Unless he developed the same sort of bipolar in which case we probably would be the chance of that is small. Maybe this whole paragraph is mute.
So tomorrow is the start of the comically named and downplayed “Story Time” and I’m not going to lie, if you’re sensitive to upsetting stories then best not to read it. I’ll try my best to downplay it as usual and make quips and jokes, but at the end of the day it could be considered a trigger (more than my usual blogs) so don’t read it my blog for all of next week if you are triggered by such stories.
Sends you awwwww’s anyway. I was wondering how your ear was, laryngitis can torment it. Full is better than crackles. Well maybe not, a bit perhaps.
Now how you deal with your depressed state is of course up to you, and I know you don’t want or feel like doing anything, I really get that. but force yourself to. Keep busy a bit to let some of that pour out rather than containing it, do you know what I mean?
those thoughts build when you are idle. you keep chasing them away, even use your squeaky voice to yell at them. (I really mean that too, yell out loud)
You can delete or switch this part to email too, if you wish. Does your Dad have a drinking problem Munchkin? Or do you feel he does? I am thinking you are sort of screaming that in the few posts you mentioned it.
*gives you the best hugs* please be strong right now Munchkin. cope with those thoughts and push them aside, every day is one closer to completion of the mood diary. 🙂
Full is a hell of a lot better than crackling. If it was crackling, I would be crying on the floor 😛
Yeah, I get what you mean. I’m watching a comedy show, I’m too in pain to laugh (entire face is sore) but it’s better than lying there thinking.
Haha, wish I could yell. Damned voice.
nah, leave it in. I’ve implied it in enough of my posts. I dno, I mean I never get concrete proof. Nothing that would like stand up in a court of law (if you get what I mean), I mean he can hold his drink quite well and he NEVER is sick after getting drunk. It’s just he’ll fall about more, be offensively jokey (I consider it more emotional abuse though). He’s great when he’s not drunk but he’s a dick (sorry to put it like that) when he is.
Yeah, I keep forgetting to do it. It’s up to date now though. *hugs*.
everyone changes when they drink, very few become nicer or funnier, though they often think they are. When you are not drinking and someone else is, you watch them change, you never like it. silly, offensive, stumbly (new word) dangerous.. so no one likes it. If it is happening often, it adds to your stress as well. You can talk to people about that, to help you deal with it if this is the case, they don’t judge or interfere, just help you cope a bit. We can talk more about it too, if you think it will help.
Nods, ear crackles are awful. really really awful.
hmm, shall I nag about the diary every once and a while? 😉
I am glad you are not just lying there, please try to keep busy a bit, I know for certain that helps loads, even if you are not having fun, tis better than staring at the ceiling counting dots..
Did you try to design an outfit of some sort now? to see how they compare?
It doesn’t bother me too much, just pisses me off. I stay out of his way. He’s not drinking tonight though, probably in case something happens and I need to go hospital – always the worrier.
I have seen students who are funnier when drunk, like more the beta males. One put an orange cone on a sign. That was hilarious. So I know the difference and I don’t tell people they can’t drink. I just prefer it not around me, unless they are going to be funny.
It is awful. Glad it has gone.
Yeah, that might be useful. Just nag like once a week or something 😉
Hehe, I don’t think it’s wise to be depressed and ill. I can only cope with one or the other.
I haven’t but that’s because the last dress I drew was also when depressed and I’m still depressed. But I said every week and I will when I’m feeling better and staring doesn’t hurt my eyes.
I wonder how this works, Once upon a time is on for me tonight, in about 4 hours. This should be the show where Captain Hook shows up. When do you get to see that? Or was it on already?
this time difference stuff always throws me for a loop, It is much worse when chatting with people down under, they are coming into summer now, that is so unfair. lol. I love summer.
ok, once a week.. wait, does that limit my nags? or just for the diary?
cause you know I will nag about other things as well 😉
kk, if he can go nights where he doesn’t drink, then it is not a problem, but still I know how it can bother you. Confrontation is not productive either, well not when he is drinking.
smile please. just a tiny grin.. you can do it.
I don’t know if it’s even on in our country yet *quick google search*. Nope not on till next year. They do that sometimes. Probably January or Feburary time. They do that sometimes. Like Vampire Diaries is on Thursday with you but on Monday’s with us. But Once Upon a time season two is not on till next year.
Haha, tell me about it. I only remember the time difference for people I have been talking to for like 6 months.
Just for the diary is limited to a week. We wouldn’t want you exploding on us 😉
He’s defensive about it (even when sober) and without any concrete proof my argument is floored. Yeah, it’s good he can go some nights. Or maybe he’s had a different alcohol. I can’t tell if he’s had wine because it doesn’t affect him. But he told me he’d never touch vodka but he has whisky and that is what I usually think he had.
wow, not until next year, interesting. That makes little sense. You need to complain. Start a campaign. rally the fans…. send nasty all cap emails in protest. Darn, then I can’t talk to you about it tomorrow.
Well it is bright and sunny here now. Middle of the afternoon. Same day as you still.. but when chatting with people that are upside down, I mean down under, they are often on some other day. It becomes confusing. lol.
oh phew, yes, I don’t want to explode. very messy that. (tried with an English accent even) 😉
People become very defensive about drinking habits. It is a hard thing to discuss when you are concerned. More so when it is concealed.
You can, well maybe not tomorrow. Definitely Tuesday. I watch it on the internet 😛
I’m still on 21st October, but it’s 20:36 here 😛
Oh, I could hear the English accent through the screen 😉
Exactly. No proof. No arguement.
I thought that you may watch it online, you were up to date on the last show. 🙂 good, we can compare notes. I am looking forward to it.
yup, you are 5 hours ahead right now. I think that changes soon when we have our time change, then it becomes 6. Pretty sure you don’t have the time change.
well, if it becomes more bothersome, the drinking, don’t try to contain it, I don’t want you exploding either 😉
Haha, yeah. Too impatient to wait till next year.
We do have a time change. Think it’s pushed forward an hour. Dno when it is though. Everywhere has the time change, I’m sure 😛
Ahaa, well that’s true. Maybe I’ll try exploding when I have a voice to explode with.
well, should be moving back an hour, hence the saying fall back and spring forward. November I think.
oh no, explode now. *giggles* will sound like an angry chipmunk, very convincing. awwww. *hugs*
when you decide to explode, not with him though, as you have seen it doesn’t help much.
Haha, never thought of it like that.
Ah, yes. I’m sure angry chipmunk will make everyone take me seriously 😉
I will explode when I catch him 😉
7 minutes until Once upon a time. 🙂
you know I can hear an angry chipmunk with a very nice accent trying to sound stern… and am giggling a bit. ok a lot.
😉
we could have a very deep discussion about that, sometimes that is the shock that is required you know. that controlled explosion. But I am not encouraging it. you have enough stress now please.
Omg, don’t tell me what happens in Once Upon a Time. Just tell me three things: 1. Is Captain Hook as bad ass as they’re making him out to be? 2. Is Rumplstilskin (or Mr Gold) in this episode a lot? 3. Is Captain Hook in Storybrooke?
wooo hoooo, we just saw captain hook. lol.
yes, yes!, no.
so far anyway.
So Captain Hook is in that uncursed part of the fairytale world?
before rumple has his powers.. well it is where they start. to tell you more will give it away. It is a great show though. 🙂
Oh yeah didn’t he make fun or rumple or threaten him or something?
oh wait, things change next week
not saying what or how.
🙂
You can’t just leave it like that!
You have to tell me how!
*screams in chipmunk voice, voice goes, silent screaming.*
tell me how it changes. Pleaseeeee!
omg I am laffing so hard. half way through it changes, you will see.
the preview for next week changes more, ok, so hook ends up in storybrook too by the looks of things. guess how he becomes hook?
I’m all excited! 😀
In the book he becomes hook because an alligator ate his hand due to Peter pan’s mischief.
But I’m guessing thats not the case in Once upon a time.
I want to say rumplestilskin cut off his hand in revenge.
Or possibly, charming did it in a battle over something and now hook wants revenge.
Or snow did it in battle.
Or was it Peter pan.
I dno! :O how does he become hook?
(I’m assuming it’s all to do with his hand ecause in the book he was called hook because he had a hook for a hand).
But if you’re referring to why hook was a pirate in the first place. I don’t know.
You have to tell me 😉
oh wow, excitement. 🙂 thats great!
well it was a crocodile that took the hand… according to one of the last lines of the show.. but not the type you think 😉
you are going to love it!
Not the type of crocodile I think?:O
What other types are there?:O
two legged types… all rumply and such.
Now that’s awesome.
you won’t even blink during he show. lots happens. 🙂
I’m gonna watch it this evening 😉
you are going to be excited for next week. 🙂
For once upon a time?
lol, yup. not for school.
Haha, that’s true. I do not want to go back to school.
I watched Once Upon A Time Last Night
what did you think? was it great?
Haha, yes! I feel sorry for Rumple more in every episode. I hate Cora. I haven’t made my mind up on Hook yet. At first I hated him but then you find out the truth about Rumple’s wife and you’re just like “well, it’s not entirely Hook’s fault”. I’m looking up the preview of the next episode on the internet. I just read this:
On the November 4 episode of this ABC favorite, we jump back in time with Emma and watch her meet up with a fellow thief who – according to the official network synopsis – “wants to make an honest woman out of her.”Elsewhere on “Tallahassee,” Emma will take a journey with Captain Hook and encounter a murderous giant played by Lost’s Jorge Garcia.
We find out who Mr Whale is don’t we? Judging from the preview I just watched where Daniel comes back I’m guessing he is Dr Frankenstein (the doctor who created Frankenstein the monster) – wow a lot goes on in the next episode.
wow, it is going to be busy. Peter Pan and Tinkerbell must be coming soon. I sort of feel sorry for rumples too, not always though. lol. We are suppose to dislike Cora, she doesn’t give anyone that warm fuzzy feeling.
They need to do two shows a week. 😉
They will probably make Hook more evil, they said he was worse than rumples in a preview.
I do sorta hope that we see them. But Tinkerbell might be one of those fairies that work.
I wonder what will happen when Cora and Regina come face to face :O
They should. But the next episode is called The Doctor ehich is about the Doctor Frankenstein possibility. Then the episode after is where Emma meets Hook and there is that new guy that wanted to make an honest woman out of her. So it does sound like fun.
They HAVE to make Hook more evil, there is no way they can say he is more evil than Rumples after that episode.
oh wow, I shouldn’t have looked Little Mermaid, Jack.. and a bunch of mystery characters are coming.
Aladdin, The Little Mermaid and Rapunzel….
That’s awesome! I’m looking forward to that. Wonder if Aladdin will sing ‘a whole new world’ – probably not but I wonder how everyone will play into it. I also wonder where they all are and whether they’re in storybrooke.
the site I found that on said were some people were, storybook or other wise , they mentioned Pinocchio again as well. I just looked for the site and can’t remember which one it was, but you can poke around, there a lot of sites, if you type in episode guide and once upon a time.
lol, there hasn’t been too much music on it, maybe if they cross it with glee. 😉
hope your feeling a bit more chipper.
*hugs*
I’m glad pinnochio is coming back. I felt sorry for his father walking in that room and him not being there it’s sad. Plus he was a nice guy; tricking rumple he was bey aside.
There is a lot of trickery in the show. They sure have a lot of fairy tales to draw from, so the show can twist and turn a lot.
Yes that makes it more difficult for them but they pull it off remarkably well.
They do. The writers have terrific imaginations. Parenthood is on tonight, I love that show.
What’s it about? 🙂
basically a big family, it is a drama, there are the grandparents who live in the old family house, and all the children have families of their own. One family has a child with aspergers, he is such a fantastic actor. His mother was just diagnosed with breast cancer. But the show always leaves you feeling good, there have only been a couple where you are sad at the end, usually it is quite cheerful. I really like it. 🙂 The acting is very good.
oh and one of the daughters is Amber. So it must be great. lol
That does sound good. Do you giggle when they say Amber on the TV?
lol, no not yet. it really is good though, it is on now. It gives you a good feeling, like a hug.
ah! The hugs are why you like it?
it is just the good feeling, like a hug that the show gives you, a nice family show.
yeah that is good 🙂
yup. 🙂 bet you could find it online and start from the first season, They just started the second I think.
and goes awwww and gives you a hug just cause.
Aw, well gives you something to ease the Once Upon a Time waiting 😉
lol. yup. almost a whole week to go. grumbles.
A whole week? It’s Wednesday in my time so it must be Tuesday there. Only 5 days to go 🙂
lol, feels like a week
Haha, wish it did for me. Back at school in 5 days, spent over half my holidays ill 😦
better now though?
One more day and then I can call myself better.
darn, I just got use to calling you munchkin. 😉
I am glad though, then you can have some fun.
Haha, fun when depressed? That is a very odd notion.
awww, i know. it is bad right now?
On the depressed scale of 1 to 5, 5 being most depressed and 1 being the least depressed. I’d rate 3/4 at this current moment in time.
and moving to lower or higher numbers? or do you know? are you following your normal trends now? you were feeling they changed a bit ago.
I don’t know, I never really know. It just happens. It just has a way of walking up to me and punching me in the face.
Haha, what’s normal? 😛 The thing I really considered changed was the mixed episodes as they are now in periods of their own because they don’t last a day or two, they started lasting week/s. Though I feel that the depression and mania, on average are longer. Which is why depression lasts roughly four weeks now instead of three.
Are you getting mixed episodes while in your depressed state? I havent read your new post yet. Will do so shortly.
keep plodding away, and points to the mood diary, even though the week hasnt passed yet…
oh, and keep busy, just a bit. doing something,
oh oh, another post. lol, I am behind
I haven’t wrote anything about mixed episodes in the new post as I’m not in a mixed episodes. I can get mixed in either state. I used to get them at the end as I went into the next episode. When going from depressed to manic, depression was the dominant mood in the mixed episode and from mania to depression it’s the mania that was more dominant but now I get them in either mood, at any time. But usually the mood I’m in is the more dominant one.
Haha, up to date with the mood diary.
Like what? I’ve got nothing to do. I have got to do homework which I’ll start Thursday and I have dentist and shopping and that’ll take it out of me.
Yep xD
well what you are doing is good, rather than staring into space. 🙂 even watching some tv show, just to keep occupied.
oh dentist.. that will be fun.. blech *giggles*
Well I’ve watched two movies, one each night for the past two nights. I did enjoy them. But I don’t enjoy much anymore and I don’t want to do something I used to enjoy and not enjoy it because it’ll ruin all the memories I have of it.
that is true. video games of some sort? something a bit different from what you usually do. I am just poking around a bit, but I think doing something is better than just, well you know. If you can keep your mind a bit busy.
I guess you try to be a bit quiet too.
I do quiet things. I have a DS but I hate playing, well not hate. I just hate the fact I play on a game and 10 minutes into it. I’m bored or more depressed.
reading? think we went over that once, lots of great books though. online games? where you play against others, or just ones like angry birds or the new one.
knitting? (I am not trying to antagonize you, 🙂 ) tuba is out… 😉
are you good with graphics on the computer?
Well online games I lose my temper with. However I have just bought a new book, ‘Finale’, last in the series and have read chapter one. I think I’ll just read that so far.
I have no idea how to knit xD I do try stuff like beading (making jewellery), making scoobies and stuff. You have to have a degree of concentration with that. In a manic phase I bought so hama beads, which if you don’t know are when you put them onto a pinboard, making a picture, get some greaseproof paper, iron it and they melt together. You have to keep full concentation to be able to do it otherwise you knock them out.
I’m not terrible but not brilliant either.
do you have an e-reader? or read any books on the computer? that is a bit harder.
keeping your hands busy is great, I dont know what scoobies are lol. Beading would be good, concentration and detailed work.
I was asking about the graphics, because I think you could make a website with a forum. It could be something that would interest you. There are lots of free hosting sites with easy templates.
I occassionallly read books on the computer but only the ones I’m not sure I’ll like or can’t afford in paper. Otherwise I buy paper books because I love the feel of a book, nothing beats it.
Scoobies are just long rubbery plastic strings that you braid together.
Awesome, what sort of sites would you reccommend?
I have begun to like ebooks, they are lighter to hold and smaller. I read some on the computer, and it is ok, but hard to curl up with.
You can google free web hosting and then poke around to see who has a format you like, there are a lot out there. A forum can be linked to it if you wanted to add one, there are lots that have free forum hosting as well.
I do see the appeal of ebooks, I suppose they’re good if you have it on a phone or a kindle. But I don’t have a kindle and the bright light of a computer can burn your eyes if you’re as tired as I am 😛
I will do just that, thank you 🙂
http://www.wix.com/ is pretty easy to use. I have a feeling this is something you could really roll with.
and yes, on the computer they are hard to read.
Thank you, I shall try it. By the way, just so you don’t have to check your reader. I have written another blog.
oh I don’e check the reader, they are emailed. 🙂
*goes off to look*
Hehe, neither do I. I just check a few blogs every few days.
when you post or a comment is made I receive an email. 🙂
eeps, my t changed to an e above, lol. darn typos.
I receive emails about your blog (and a few others) but I always see them on my phone so I have to wait till I get on my computer and sometimes I forget xD
http://onceuponatime.wikia.com/wiki/Season_Two
lol, found it