Depression and Illness

Now depression itself is an illness and it’s an illness in bipolar as well. But when one realizes they are depressed or even gets diagnosed with any mental illness with depression in it, you think when you realize you have it about how it will affect everything from school to mornings. But my immediate thought wasn’t “how will I feel when depressed and ill?”

If you’ve yet to experience this little gem, I will tell you how I felt: bloody awful.

So when i first got ill, I did go up a bit. Like my body was saying: “Bless ya, kid. Feelin’ all ill, I’m gonna lift that awful depression a bit so you can tackle this darn illness” – yes, my body (or at least the chemicals) are somewhat southern or northern. I don’t know many stereotypes.

So it turns out I have laryngitis.
Hold back on the ‘aws’.
Because today my flu has come out. Worst part? It’s inflammed my gum (which wasn’t fully better and just needed those lovely white blood cells to deal with the little infection left) which also goes the same for my ear. My ear luckily isn’t crackling, just feels a bit full. The flu with laryngitis.

But now, my depression is back to bad and I’ve been feeling suicidal which is the worst possible feeling when you feel like ‘death warmed up’. So feeling sucidal is awful, lying there listening to your mind count the number of ways you can kill yourself and it convinces you that it’s better than being in such awful pain. For a moment, I believed it. At that moment, I pulled myself out of bed, went to the bathroom, washed my face, brushed my teeth, redid my plaits in my hair and I felt a little better and then I said to myself that lying in bed dwelling on this awful illness is pointless and if I’ve got nothing to do, I should go and blog about it. Which you can see I’m doing.

My dad always said that the flu has always “takes 3 days to come, 3 days to stay and 3 days to come” and so far I’ve found that to be true.

I’ve got orthodontist on Wednesday, but I’m not infecting other people when there is no need, so if I’m not better, than I refuse to go. My brother has a sleepover tomorrow so he is out of the way and might avoid my flu. But if my dad gets it (which he probably will), he will do nothing but moan. Then he’ll drink alcohol and this cough medicine thing. Having a cold only gives him an excuse to drink. Every other day he just hides it, like I’m stupid not to know the diffence between him being sober and him being drunk. He drinks when he’s in pain and gives me evil looks or moans when I take pain pills. I’ve never heard anyone die from taking two parcetmol every couple of days. I have heard them die from a drink every few days.

At nights, I hear both my dad and brother sleep talking. People sleep talk when they’re worried. I used to sleep talk when I was depressed and anorexic and my stress handling system hadn’t fully formed yet. I mean I might sleep talk if I slept, currently I’m sleeping two hours. Which means I get two hours break from this awful pain! I digress, but obviously sleep talking usually means stress. I could sort of understand my dad’s stress. Buncha kids, court things (explained in tomorrow’s blog), me and other grown up stuff. But I sit in my bed wondering what my brother’s stress is. I hear majority of his xbox live conversations and the only bad or worrying thing I heard was he fell out with his friend. I don’t know, maybe he’s more worried about things like his GCSEs next year then he lets on.

I sometimes worry that I overshadow him. I have a mental illness, I get ill a lot, I’m doing my GCSEs now and hence will be the first girl (possibly person) to go to university etc. So he doesn’t get as much attention as he deserves. I also worry (though it is a silly worry as it only seems to be on the girl geneline that things go wrong) that my brother could develop a mental illness. But we wouldn’t notice it because of me. Unless he developed the same sort of bipolar in which case we probably would be the chance of that is small. Maybe this whole paragraph is mute.

So tomorrow is the start of the comically named and downplayed “Story Time” and I’m not going to lie, if you’re sensitive to upsetting stories then best not to read it. I’ll try my best to downplay it as usual and make quips and jokes, but at the end of the day it could be considered a trigger (more than my usual blogs) so don’t read it my blog for all of next week if you are triggered by such stories.

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85 thoughts on “Depression and Illness

  1. Sends you awwwww’s anyway. I was wondering how your ear was, laryngitis can torment it. Full is better than crackles. Well maybe not, a bit perhaps.

    Now how you deal with your depressed state is of course up to you, and I know you don’t want or feel like doing anything, I really get that. but force yourself to. Keep busy a bit to let some of that pour out rather than containing it, do you know what I mean?

    those thoughts build when you are idle. you keep chasing them away, even use your squeaky voice to yell at them. (I really mean that too, yell out loud)

    You can delete or switch this part to email too, if you wish. Does your Dad have a drinking problem Munchkin? Or do you feel he does? I am thinking you are sort of screaming that in the few posts you mentioned it.

    *gives you the best hugs* please be strong right now Munchkin. cope with those thoughts and push them aside, every day is one closer to completion of the mood diary. 🙂

    • Full is a hell of a lot better than crackling. If it was crackling, I would be crying on the floor 😛

      Yeah, I get what you mean. I’m watching a comedy show, I’m too in pain to laugh (entire face is sore) but it’s better than lying there thinking.

      Haha, wish I could yell. Damned voice.

      nah, leave it in. I’ve implied it in enough of my posts. I dno, I mean I never get concrete proof. Nothing that would like stand up in a court of law (if you get what I mean), I mean he can hold his drink quite well and he NEVER is sick after getting drunk. It’s just he’ll fall about more, be offensively jokey (I consider it more emotional abuse though). He’s great when he’s not drunk but he’s a dick (sorry to put it like that) when he is.

      Yeah, I keep forgetting to do it. It’s up to date now though. *hugs*.

      • everyone changes when they drink, very few become nicer or funnier, though they often think they are. When you are not drinking and someone else is, you watch them change, you never like it. silly, offensive, stumbly (new word) dangerous.. so no one likes it. If it is happening often, it adds to your stress as well. You can talk to people about that, to help you deal with it if this is the case, they don’t judge or interfere, just help you cope a bit. We can talk more about it too, if you think it will help.

        Nods, ear crackles are awful. really really awful.

        hmm, shall I nag about the diary every once and a while? 😉

        I am glad you are not just lying there, please try to keep busy a bit, I know for certain that helps loads, even if you are not having fun, tis better than staring at the ceiling counting dots..

        Did you try to design an outfit of some sort now? to see how they compare?

        • It doesn’t bother me too much, just pisses me off. I stay out of his way. He’s not drinking tonight though, probably in case something happens and I need to go hospital – always the worrier.
          I have seen students who are funnier when drunk, like more the beta males. One put an orange cone on a sign. That was hilarious. So I know the difference and I don’t tell people they can’t drink. I just prefer it not around me, unless they are going to be funny.

          It is awful. Glad it has gone.

          Yeah, that might be useful. Just nag like once a week or something 😉

          Hehe, I don’t think it’s wise to be depressed and ill. I can only cope with one or the other.

          I haven’t but that’s because the last dress I drew was also when depressed and I’m still depressed. But I said every week and I will when I’m feeling better and staring doesn’t hurt my eyes.

      • I wonder how this works, Once upon a time is on for me tonight, in about 4 hours. This should be the show where Captain Hook shows up. When do you get to see that? Or was it on already?

        this time difference stuff always throws me for a loop, It is much worse when chatting with people down under, they are coming into summer now, that is so unfair. lol. I love summer.

        ok, once a week.. wait, does that limit my nags? or just for the diary?

        cause you know I will nag about other things as well 😉

        kk, if he can go nights where he doesn’t drink, then it is not a problem, but still I know how it can bother you. Confrontation is not productive either, well not when he is drinking.

        smile please. just a tiny grin.. you can do it.

        • I don’t know if it’s even on in our country yet *quick google search*. Nope not on till next year. They do that sometimes. Probably January or Feburary time. They do that sometimes. Like Vampire Diaries is on Thursday with you but on Monday’s with us. But Once Upon a time season two is not on till next year.

          Haha, tell me about it. I only remember the time difference for people I have been talking to for like 6 months.

          Just for the diary is limited to a week. We wouldn’t want you exploding on us 😉

          He’s defensive about it (even when sober) and without any concrete proof my argument is floored. Yeah, it’s good he can go some nights. Or maybe he’s had a different alcohol. I can’t tell if he’s had wine because it doesn’t affect him. But he told me he’d never touch vodka but he has whisky and that is what I usually think he had.

      • wow, not until next year, interesting. That makes little sense. You need to complain. Start a campaign. rally the fans…. send nasty all cap emails in protest. Darn, then I can’t talk to you about it tomorrow.

        Well it is bright and sunny here now. Middle of the afternoon. Same day as you still.. but when chatting with people that are upside down, I mean down under, they are often on some other day. It becomes confusing. lol.

        oh phew, yes, I don’t want to explode. very messy that. (tried with an English accent even) 😉

        People become very defensive about drinking habits. It is a hard thing to discuss when you are concerned. More so when it is concealed.

        • You can, well maybe not tomorrow. Definitely Tuesday. I watch it on the internet 😛

          I’m still on 21st October, but it’s 20:36 here 😛

          Oh, I could hear the English accent through the screen 😉

          Exactly. No proof. No arguement.

      • I thought that you may watch it online, you were up to date on the last show. 🙂 good, we can compare notes. I am looking forward to it.

        yup, you are 5 hours ahead right now. I think that changes soon when we have our time change, then it becomes 6. Pretty sure you don’t have the time change.

        well, if it becomes more bothersome, the drinking, don’t try to contain it, I don’t want you exploding either 😉

        • Haha, yeah. Too impatient to wait till next year.

          We do have a time change. Think it’s pushed forward an hour. Dno when it is though. Everywhere has the time change, I’m sure 😛

          Ahaa, well that’s true. Maybe I’ll try exploding when I have a voice to explode with.

      • well, should be moving back an hour, hence the saying fall back and spring forward. November I think.

        oh no, explode now. *giggles* will sound like an angry chipmunk, very convincing. awwww. *hugs*
        when you decide to explode, not with him though, as you have seen it doesn’t help much.

  2. 7 minutes until Once upon a time. 🙂

    you know I can hear an angry chipmunk with a very nice accent trying to sound stern… and am giggling a bit. ok a lot.

    😉

    we could have a very deep discussion about that, sometimes that is the shock that is required you know. that controlled explosion. But I am not encouraging it. you have enough stress now please.

    • Omg, don’t tell me what happens in Once Upon a Time. Just tell me three things: 1. Is Captain Hook as bad ass as they’re making him out to be? 2. Is Rumplstilskin (or Mr Gold) in this episode a lot? 3. Is Captain Hook in Storybrooke?

        • Haha, yes! I feel sorry for Rumple more in every episode. I hate Cora. I haven’t made my mind up on Hook yet. At first I hated him but then you find out the truth about Rumple’s wife and you’re just like “well, it’s not entirely Hook’s fault”. I’m looking up the preview of the next episode on the internet. I just read this:
          On the November 4 episode of this ABC favorite, we jump back in time with Emma and watch her meet up with a fellow thief who – according to the official network synopsis – “wants to make an honest woman out of her.”Elsewhere on “Tallahassee,” Emma will take a journey with Captain Hook and encounter a murderous giant played by Lost’s Jorge Garcia.
          We find out who Mr Whale is don’t we? Judging from the preview I just watched where Daniel comes back I’m guessing he is Dr Frankenstein (the doctor who created Frankenstein the monster) – wow a lot goes on in the next episode.

      • wow, it is going to be busy. Peter Pan and Tinkerbell must be coming soon. I sort of feel sorry for rumples too, not always though. lol. We are suppose to dislike Cora, she doesn’t give anyone that warm fuzzy feeling.

        They need to do two shows a week. 😉

        They will probably make Hook more evil, they said he was worse than rumples in a preview.

        • I do sorta hope that we see them. But Tinkerbell might be one of those fairies that work.
          I wonder what will happen when Cora and Regina come face to face :O
          They should. But the next episode is called The Doctor ehich is about the Doctor Frankenstein possibility. Then the episode after is where Emma meets Hook and there is that new guy that wanted to make an honest woman out of her. So it does sound like fun.
          They HAVE to make Hook more evil, there is no way they can say he is more evil than Rumples after that episode.

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