Now depression itself is an illness and it’s an illness in bipolar as well. But when one realizes they are depressed or even gets diagnosed with any mental illness with depression in it, you think when you realize you have it about how it will affect everything from school to mornings. But my immediate thought wasn’t “how will I feel when depressed and ill?”
If you’ve yet to experience this little gem, I will tell you how I felt: bloody awful.
So when i first got ill, I did go up a bit. Like my body was saying: “Bless ya, kid. Feelin’ all ill, I’m gonna lift that awful depression a bit so you can tackle this darn illness” – yes, my body (or at least the chemicals) are somewhat southern or northern. I don’t know many stereotypes.
So it turns out I have laryngitis.
Hold back on the ‘aws’.
Because today my flu has come out. Worst part? It’s inflammed my gum (which wasn’t fully better and just needed those lovely white blood cells to deal with the little infection left) which also goes the same for my ear. My ear luckily isn’t crackling, just feels a bit full. The flu with laryngitis.
But now, my depression is back to bad and I’ve been feeling suicidal which is the worst possible feeling when you feel like ‘death warmed up’. So feeling sucidal is awful, lying there listening to your mind count the number of ways you can kill yourself and it convinces you that it’s better than being in such awful pain. For a moment, I believed it. At that moment, I pulled myself out of bed, went to the bathroom, washed my face, brushed my teeth, redid my plaits in my hair and I felt a little better and then I said to myself that lying in bed dwelling on this awful illness is pointless and if I’ve got nothing to do, I should go and blog about it. Which you can see I’m doing.
My dad always said that the flu has always “takes 3 days to come, 3 days to stay and 3 days to come” and so far I’ve found that to be true.
I’ve got orthodontist on Wednesday, but I’m not infecting other people when there is no need, so if I’m not better, than I refuse to go. My brother has a sleepover tomorrow so he is out of the way and might avoid my flu. But if my dad gets it (which he probably will), he will do nothing but moan. Then he’ll drink alcohol and this cough medicine thing. Having a cold only gives him an excuse to drink. Every other day he just hides it, like I’m stupid not to know the diffence between him being sober and him being drunk. He drinks when he’s in pain and gives me evil looks or moans when I take pain pills. I’ve never heard anyone die from taking two parcetmol every couple of days. I have heard them die from a drink every few days.
At nights, I hear both my dad and brother sleep talking. People sleep talk when they’re worried. I used to sleep talk when I was depressed and anorexic and my stress handling system hadn’t fully formed yet. I mean I might sleep talk if I slept, currently I’m sleeping two hours. Which means I get two hours break from this awful pain! I digress, but obviously sleep talking usually means stress. I could sort of understand my dad’s stress. Buncha kids, court things (explained in tomorrow’s blog), me and other grown up stuff. But I sit in my bed wondering what my brother’s stress is. I hear majority of his xbox live conversations and the only bad or worrying thing I heard was he fell out with his friend. I don’t know, maybe he’s more worried about things like his GCSEs next year then he lets on.
I sometimes worry that I overshadow him. I have a mental illness, I get ill a lot, I’m doing my GCSEs now and hence will be the first girl (possibly person) to go to university etc. So he doesn’t get as much attention as he deserves. I also worry (though it is a silly worry as it only seems to be on the girl geneline that things go wrong) that my brother could develop a mental illness. But we wouldn’t notice it because of me. Unless he developed the same sort of bipolar in which case we probably would be the chance of that is small. Maybe this whole paragraph is mute.
So tomorrow is the start of the comically named and downplayed “Story Time” and I’m not going to lie, if you’re sensitive to upsetting stories then best not to read it. I’ll try my best to downplay it as usual and make quips and jokes, but at the end of the day it could be considered a trigger (more than my usual blogs) so don’t read it my blog for all of next week if you are triggered by such stories.