So I’m still ill on and off.
But today I had the beginnings of a panic attack and JLS took me to the medical room because I kept walking into walls because I was light headed and dizzy plus my joints especially in my knees have been playing up. Well so have the joints in my hands, I don’t know why. I thought it was because I punched a wall but my hand is broken, just hurts. After the little ‘wobbly’ as the medical person put it, I went up to maths. I’m not going to explain what I did in each lesson. But key points: I was severely depressed this morning, went up to like less depressed back down to severely depressed again. I handed in the letter to Mrs BG asking to drop textiles but due to the almost panic attack I didn’t see Miss Morgan.
But all of this brings me onto a topic I want to talk about.
Mental health and the degradition of it.
For an example the medical lady women calling a panic attack “a bit of a wobbly” – I find it degrading. It’s not “a bit of a wobbly” it’s called the beginnings of a panic attack. I know she had other people to deal with. But in scale of priority it goes, from least urgent to most: Boy with tummy ache, girl coming down with a cold, guy with a swollen knee, girl having a panic attack. I then find it annoying that all the teachers seem to have grown tired of dealing with it. People leave me to my own devices, like I’ll get myself up from this mood. I can’t control them. I don’t really even have triggers. The only way I think I could leave the manic period without waiting it’s usual time period is a traumatic event such as a death of a loved one. But the fact that people think that my mental illness miraculously cured itself so that lateness is my own fault and the crying is my own fault. Yet, when I get legitimately angry when I have good and clear reason to be sad it’s boiled down to my mental illness. You can’t have it both ways. It’s either my own fault or my illness. So adjust your attitude to one camp. Is it my fault? Or my illnesses? I think however I don’t help myself. I try and act like I am well because I can’t stand these feelings and the way they hurt people. I have pushed so many of those who care for me and who I care for away. I haven’t spoken to four of my online friends in
days weeks. I pushed them all away. I could say that I’m sorry and I won’t do it again but I wouldn’t be so cruel as to lie. People think that bipolar is an easy illness to manage because it’s in your head. But it’s not. We know I am not one to say ‘things get better’ or ‘You’ll find it easier to cope” but my aim isn’t to crush hope completely. I’m going to tell you how I find it and you will make your own decision.
I do sometimes think I contridict myself. Saying I want preferential treatment with what lessons I do, being put first in the medical room but then saying people shouldn’t boil my moods down to my illness. But I just think “I have to suffer like this, I’m gonna use those perks!”. It is a childish attitude to have. It’s like when a company allows someone to use a limo (at their expense) to do a job no one in said company wants to do. Of course you are going to abuse any perk which comes your way. It’s just human nature.
All day I’ve been distracting myself by day dreaming, usually my day dreaming just worsens my depression. But today, it was sort of joyful. I kept imagining I was wearing short sleeve tops in a house and the people there didn’t judge me or say anything and just accepted it. But that dream will never come true. I could never do it at a family members house or at any of the friends I currently have. The scars may last just as long as the scar from my appendix operation (over 5 years ago and that scar still hasn’t really faded). I don’t imagine I could ever just walk to school showing them off (though if I did I know the perfect top) and I don’t really want to do it in university. You get labelled an ’emo’ then and for those of you who have seen St Trinians you know that it has been termed to mean “EMOtionally unstable” and if we went by what that really means then I would be an emo. But emo’s aren’t defined like that. They are put in with the scene kids. Black clothes, hair, shoes and make up who self harm ‘for the fashion of it’ and I would probably be put into that category and be asked questions or made fun of. Which is not the thing I need right now.
But I just need to survive tomorrow. Since I’m not going in for first two lessons due to it being textiles and textiles not being 100% off my timetable yet, I only have to survive four lessons. Two being biology which I like. Then history, lunch, history where I might just hang myself from the window (melodrama, of course). Once I get in the car at the end of the day I won’t have to see that hellish place for 10 days due to the fact our college doesn’t have to go in Friday because we went back a day early. It’s a whole thing.
Secret Day: It is tomorrow (technically 4 hours in my time), depending how well this goes will depend on whether I make it a yearly thing 😛 (like I have any change over that).
How it works: midnight tonight I will go on various forums, talking to the people who promised to do it, collecting the secrets then midnight Thursday I will post a blog and send everyone the link to it so they can see their secrets up.
My dad called the doctor today and we have an appointment for 4:10pm (3:50pm – there are differing opinions on time) and I’m going to ask him about two things: 1. sleep clinic thing. 2. What would be involved in dropping out of school for a month and doing work at home because I feel there would need to be a doctor’s certificate involved. By the way, it isn’t clear cut. I have 100% decided I’m going to drop but I just can’t take the pain I feel whilst there and feel it would be wise to know my options. So tomorrow I shall tell you exactly how the doctors appointment goes.