Before I actually start my blog I’d like just say how sorry I am for not writing or posting the daily LOL yesterday. I will explain why in my blog.
So the actual blog:
Yesterday, I watched two programs (well 3 but it was 2 episodes of one series) and fell asleep for an hour. When I awoke I was over whelmingly depressed. Like I couldn’t get out of bed depressed. So I began to moan when my dad asked to leave the safe and kind sancity of my bed for the miserable and unknowing walls of school. But my opinion is short lived as he eventually gets me out and I leave for that Hellish place. I think I may have figured out why my dad just distances himself from my situation though, I think it pains him to see me in bed and he’d rather have me in school where he can’t see it than in the room next to him. But it always causes me immense amount of emotional pain to be there. I find that everyone there irritates me in some way and the happy mood and ADHD traits of JLS put me in nothing but further down the dark hole I’m already living in. I sometimes just marvel at how much I change. From loving everything in life to wishing I was no longer alive. I then find things to make myself worse just because this feeling really hurts and sometimes I’m just numb to it and I hate that too. But the reason I didn’t write anything is because I was too depressed to move, to get out of bed. I’m not a lot better now but I felt like you all needed an update on how I am and this mood change so you know that the excuse I shall give when I forget to write is that one.
Today, I fell asleep at 2am and woke up at 5am – I bet some of you are thinking “Woo she slept” but please hold back on the cake because I still had a nightmare. Not a bad one, well it was a bad one but on the scale of bad dreams 1 being tickled and 10 being my usual reptitive memory nightmare it rated about a 7 because it still made me have anxiety symptoms. But anyway, I dreamt I lost all my teeth and was spitting them out and before anyone begins trying to decipher this dream, I know this dream is about me worrying I’ll lose my teeth because I always forget to brush them before I sleep. It’s because I drink water and I don’t like mixing the two and I always say I’ll brush them but end up falling asleep and I’m worried I’m going to lose them. But I’ve started just brushing them at about 2am and to hell with the water. But I did something stupid this morning. Probably because I was very tired I didn’t think it through properly. I was supposed to take my amoxcillin at 10pm last night but forgot so to avoid getting in to trouble I took it at 5am and my dad not knowing this gave me another one and I just used to taking the pills given, take it without looking, for all I know my dad is slowly posioning me – of course I doubt the validty of this claim. So this worsens my stomach pain that I’ve been having and makes me nauseous. I did debate going home at break time but I was interested in the next thing I did. This morning being not my usual classes but sessions on my future. I’ll take a picture of the timetable of the sessions I had today and upload it later. Basically 9:00am – 9:45am was Apprenticeship which if you’re not familiar with the term is when instead of continuing on to A Levels after GCSEs you can leave at 16 to a workplace where you’ll be paid a small wage and pick up skills as you work but you don’t gain the same qualifications as you do if you went to A Levels and Degrees however you do gain ones equivelent. Then 9:45am to 10:30am was NHS jobs which wasn’t as helpful as I’d of liked but, I didn’t mind. 11:00am to 11:45am was univesity things more about the personal side of it like housemates and your choices there and course and she really made it sound good. So anyone who was torn between apprenticeships and school (like I am) has an even harder time deciding. But at least I have all the facts and I have until November to decide. So when I make my final decision you, my friends will be the first ones to know.
After that was normal lessons. But they just bring me down. Especially as I feel like I bring other people down, well JLS more than anyone. Her brothers and sisters and mum have ADHD and she hasn’t been fully diagnosed ADHD but she and I have both noticed ADHD tendencies and because she’s not fully deemed ADHD she could develop depression due to it. I’ve never seen ADHD and depression in a person so I don’t know how it presents itself but she thinks it’s due to her family problems. But I don’t think being around me helps. Mrs BG (the blond lady) told my dad something a long the lines of that JLS has problems too and I shouldn’t unload onto her. I actually don’t. But I’m not going to say a word now. Plus she doesn’t understand and is hardly the most empathetic or sympathetic person in the World. Like today, I didn’t want to walk past M TD because his face annoys me and I saw him this morning and he spoke to me but I equated his face at that point to my cartoon version of the Devil, it was a fairy unconcious act but it made me smile. JLS doesn’t understand that just because she thinks it’s funny to tell the teacher what I say, I don’t think it is. With the depression more intense and my migiranes and stomach a thousand times worse, I don’t know how much of that damned school I can tolerate.
Another example of how bad it is: Mrs BG told my form tutor Mrs AY to be leinant with my lateness. She was for the first week after being told. But she’s completely stopped now and put me on report. The reason I am late is because they have told the smokers not to smoke in their usual place, which is on the corner well away from the line of people walking so now they walk a little way up the pavement and always manage to stop at my dad’s car so I can’t get out because there’s a crowd and if i go in it I have a panic attack and then I really am late for school. Also if I wanted to be really pathetic I could moan about the chance of me getting lung cancer walking through second hand smoke everyday but it is a rather childish argument to make. My dad is going to write a letter and I’m passive protesting by not getting it signed. I will take a picture of that too and upload it so you can see. Speaking of Mrs BG though, I told her I want to quit textiles and she said I should get a letter from my dad and she’ll talk to my textiles teacher but I know what my textiles teacher is going to say. She’ll say she’ll give me more time. But I hardly see the point of doing a subject I’m getting and she expects me to be getting a C in when I could be doing maths revision to which I need to get, for my own personal happiness a B overall. I struggle with maths now, never used to. But I do now especially since the insomnia and bipolar kicked in. So revising is my best option. I’m going to put up a snapshot of the grades my dad got sent. I agree with just about all of them. Except sociology. I got As on both my exams. I should be on an A. I’m currently trying to forward that email to my email so I can upload it on here. Just to say, ‘I’m still succeeding sorta at school’.
I’m currently trying to do my homew
ork. It’s a 6 mark practice exam question. The question being:
The periodic table is the way chemists arrange the elements. Explain how the elements in the periodic table are arranged and describe the contributions of Dobereiner, Newla
nds and Medeleev in discovering this table.
I keep getting distracted. I wonder by what. I’m working from a periodic table, I’ll upload a snapshot of that too…. I might need to make a list.
Currently, I’m depressed but not deeply. Moderately but on a slow decline down to deep depressed. This migraine isn’t helping either.
Before I release the pictures, I have some ideas for my blog and just wanted to see how ridiculous they sounded. Firstly, I somehow open a shop and link it to my blog. The point of it is more to showcase and get rid of the scoobies and bracelets that I made and to raise money for university and the medication I’ll have to pay for then. Also, I know I’m putting a lot on myself. Especially as I haven’t even made my ‘Secret’s Day’ card yet. But each week I use the templates from textiles to create a new outfit, take a picture. Upload it on to here and when the book I plan to buy and stick the designs in gets full sell it on said site, it’s either my worst or best idea ever.
So pictures now: