The title of this blog offers the two most said phrases to me by adults.
Today, I went down to my brother’s (SB) pub so my dad could redo the stuff he didn’t record when valuing it. We went down early so my dad could do if before it opened. It opens at midday. After he had finished. We would of had to talk to eachother for an hour and a half. I was manic. Talking wasn’t what I wanted to do. I wanted to mess about.
Luckily AB, KB and KB’s friend from school came early (to those who forgot: AB is my older brother, KB is his daughter and my niece) so no one was stuck in an awkward place. Unfortuantely, this extra audience fulled the mania and I was talking at a fast speed and incoherently. Aggitated and this meant I had to annoy my brother (ALB, my youngest brother) by blowing on him and kicking him.
KB and and KB’s friend went to the shops round the corner, when they came back I saw KB hand AB a card, a birthday card I assumed and I assumed it was also for me. I don’t ever tell anyone to assume because when you do “It’s makes an ass outta you”, a line from a programme I used to watch. My uncle and auntie arrived soon after. My auntie is the loveliest person you’ll ever meet, she however is a bit of a worrier (bit being an understatement) whilst my uncle, I’m not going to lie isn’t the most liked person amongst the family. To give an example of this, my younger brother, ALB said this morning: “Ugh, do we have to go? I don’t mind the photos I just don’t like uncle E” to which a resounding agreement occurs. So then what happened was: AB came from around the corner and handed me a card, I then knew it was bought for me (so maybe occasionally assume with enough evidence). With £20 so that was AWESOME! So I went to put it in the car and dad came too. I then came back and ALB and my uncle were down at the bottom near the more deserted and less taken care of area, taking photos.
The yearly photo.
I came up to them and he told me to stand there. He took pictures. He told me to undo my jumper so he could see my black flowery dress; I did. He asked me to take it off. I was like “no. It’s freezing”. ALB ended up making me laugh and he walked off in a huff whilst telling us he wouldn’t tell our dad, like he was doing us a favour. Dad wouldn’t care in the slightest, he’d pretend to be mad but never say anymore about it. But once he was inside, I said “Ugh! Can’t we just go? Can’t we go through that fence and go?”. He reasoned the impractiaclity of it and said we should go back in. We went back in. They started saying I should take off my jumper and take photos at the table. I said no. Left to go to the car after trying to aim some of the missiles in ALB’s direction for making me laugh. But in the end I resulted on saying: “I need more gum, I’m going to the car” and my brother followed. Whilst getting the gum I faced my brother and saw a red object in the bushes and nettles, enthralled by this object, I went to retrieve it. It was a ballon! As shown on my right (the left) of which my brother is holding. We played keep the ballon off the ground. On my left (the right) is how it ended up. When we went back inside, AB, KB, KB friend were leaving to go McDonalds and we were going with them. But we were walking. ALB and I were walking slowly being. We talked about my friend and her boyfriend because that is who I was texting at the time.
We arrived at McDonalds and first thing is the crowds. So my anxiety shook me but was pushed back by the mania and I said to ALB “Good thing I’m manic. If I wasn’t I would be having a panic attack”. My brother agreed and said “good timing.” We all got big macs. I couldn’t eat it all. IBS means I can only eat small meals. So I could eat 10 small meals but I couldn’t handle a big one. I ate all my fries and the top half of a big mac.
We got back and everyone had moved. Auntie, Uncle and dad were discussing boring things and at one point even discussed pack lunches. ALB was so bored he built a house of cards out of coasters. A hard feat considering I kept blowing it down. AB then left to take the girls home. That caused more boredom. More card house so my dad was constantly uttering the phrase: “behave!” and my uncle constantly told me to “calm down”. My dad said to me that “People here don’t understand why you’re acting this way so just calm down”.
They soon left and my sister EVB arrived with her sister and my great nephew. I’m not going to lie: babies creep me out. But this 18 month year old seemed to have learnt “want it can’t have it.” But even I in a manic state feel creeped out and uneasy around toddlers and babies and I really don’t know why. It’s not like spiders. Everyone has that fear and since everyone has it you just become accustomed to the fear of them unlike children. I mean that’s why people pick up some of these fears. The more generic one: snakes, spiders, wasps, bugs in general. They see parents and friends scream at the sight of these terrors and they learn there is something inheritently wrong with these creatures and as you grow up you learn more knowledge behind these fears and it just enhances it. The fact that they can kill you being the fact. Even though I grew up with someone scared of wasps and bees, I’m not afraid of them. Even if I was, it is an allowed fear if you’ve never been stung. You don’t know whether you’re allergic and therefore whether they can kill you. But the fear of spiders is irrational in this country. But I still have it. Then other fears people have it’s from a one time extreme situation. I can’t wear scalves as it reminds me of when I tried to hang myself. I have a friend who had to get over a fear of water because she almost drowned. But my fear of babies. No idea where that comes from.
I listened to the interesting parts of the conversations. But it was mainly cooing over a baby. EVB had a birthday present for me and boring presents for the boys. So to cut a long story short. I messed about, adults talked and cooed over a baby. AB came back. We left shortly after.
We went to her car to pick up the presents. My dad got over £150 of clothes. My brother got some pillow cases. What was my amazing present? An expensive brush. It was supposed to do all this fancy stuff. But it is a brush at the end of the day. She bought it for the long hair she was unaware I’d cut off. Three reasons: 1. short hair was easier to wash and manage. 2. my hair had began to thin due to it coming out a lot more due to stress and I didn’t want long thin hair. 3. I liked having short hair when I was younger.
I know how ungrateful this sounds. But it’s my birthday and my dad gets over £150 in clothes and I get a hair brush. Okay, maybe my mania is making me think I’m more deservant of things and I should be spoiled. But who among us would not be pissed off at that. Now I read it I sound ungrateful. Damn you mania.
SB (brother) also gave me £20. Got a £16 cheque off my other aunt. £20 off the aunt previously mentioned. I gave that £20 to my dad to pay for some of the mania money spent. The rest I put onto paypal. Tempting for my mania….
Then we went home. Aw, the end…
PS I was put onto amoxcillin by dentist on Friday as I have yet ANOTHER infection in my gum which he is going to see on Monday. The amoxcillin should clear up the ear infection also. So that’s good. My doctor’s actually are selling books to raise money for cancer research. I bought two and have yet to read them. I need to read a lot of books. Like because I bought loads not because of anything else.
Anyway, two things I want to address in this blog.
First one: Mental illness and telling family
Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell you to tell your family. I just wanted to talk about my ideas of it.
One of the reasons we don’t tell family is because we can gage their reactions. Like in my family the girls would worry and tell me what to do which I don’t want because I won’t do it because it is ridiculous and just because it worked for one doesn’t mean it works for another. Or they won’t care and call you attention seeking. This seems to be more common with people who suffer from just depression, a less obvious mental illness. For me the give away was the intense highs. I mean my dad says comments like “and he was crazy, no offence to you.” -_- << my face. I’m going to be honest. I never get angry with him for saying those comments because he’s the older generation and was built up with this mindset that mental illness means you’re crazy. I get angry when people my own age say it. They have grown up with the stigma being not bad. So to digress back, I get why you didn’t tell them there’s a problem. I didn’t tell anyone there was a problem with me so I didn’t have the moment of self recognition – thinking this isn’t right. I need to talk to someone. Instead I got told there was something wrong and then realized it and then with a lot of persuasion got help. I’m not going to write a long, rudementry speech about you should tell your family. But tell the most trusted one or the most ‘liberal’ one and use them as a gate post and back up.
Second: Bipolar and sex
This is about bipolar because I only know the sexual drives of two mental illness one being depression and one being bipolar. Since in depression the sex drive seriously diminshes, there isn’t a sex life to talk about. The reason for this blog is I’m sixteen, in England that means legal to have sex. When manic your sex drive intenstifies greatly. (I’m sorry get ready for sexual talk and puns). If I was a boy I’d get constant erections. You see, you’d think that’d be great – wrong. Mania mixes sex and implusivity together. So a common situation for bipolar teens is having sex with someone they don’t really like whilst manic and regretting it later. Making them feel intensely more guiltier therefore suicidal when depressed. The thing is you can pay back money and replace it in ways but you can’t buy back your virginity when you lose it. That is one of a lot of people (not just bipolar)’s biggest regrets. But I know that if I don’t get this bipolar sorted soon, I will fall into this trap. My mania periods last longer and one day I’ll be invited to a party or club, go and have sex. This is one of my biggest fears. Due to previous sexual abuse, I don’t want sex to consistantly be this horrible thing in my head and if I do fall into this trap I will not engage in sex and I don’t need ‘sexual frustration’ on my list of ever growing ailments.
To end the post, I will tell you how I am at this current moment. Hypomanic. I’m sort of relaxed but with speeding thoughts. So I am good and have been all day. How are you today?