I realized I left some things out in my earlier blog and that I just wanted to talk a little more real and generally.
School has been going well. No panic attacks or running for help this week.
Though I had an annoyment in history, not by Mr TD this time. By this girl.
There is this boy in our class who is temporarily in a wheel chair because he has split his bone, 10 mins before the end of the lesson he is allowed to leave and to get to the door he has to go in between two tables where two girls are sitting one on one table and one on the other. One girl, got up, put her chair on her desk so he could get by. The other? Didn’t even push her chair in. The second time he had to get through? He got caught on her bags because she wouldn’t move them and no apology either time. I thought that was rude and mean.
I’ve been alternating between mixed, hypomanic and manic quite a lot though unfortuantely I have the birthday blues now. They will go shortly. It’s almost 2am here so my birthday is over. I may or may not take pictures of the presents I got.
It will all depend on my memory skills. So you may not see them for a while. Sorry….
Tomorrow should be good. Mr TD isn’t there, mainly single lessons. Only bad thing is maths test first lesson. I’m not good at maths. Especially since the insomnia and mood swings kicked in. But the sleep is more to do with the insomnia. Lack of sleep (and sometimes depression) imparing my cognitive function. I struggle with spelling sometimes but with spelling you have one word in your head and that’s it with maths it’s a whole host of numbers. When manic the numbers get lost in those racing thoughts when depressed you get overwhelmed.
We’re on the strict understanding here that whilst I am not ‘officially’ diagnoised bipolar, since GP and two psychiatrists have said it is likely, let’s go with that.
When you think of bipolar you think of mood swings. Everyone has the general idea that it has a negative impact on your work. I’m not going to lie, in my case it does but not in everyone’s. But people don’t think of how it can affect things like memory. It’s like when I was talking to someone about my insomnia (person at school not professional), they didn’t think of the effect it has on my eyes. The mania meant I blinked less today (an odd fact but true of me, just because of the intensity of your energy) but when thinking mania, you don’t think about that either, but one of those things (or both) have caused my eye lids to be come red, raw and the veins are fully on show. When I learnt of the possibility of me having bipolar way way back in May, I never thought of my eye lids. I thought of my eyes and blindness and blurry vision but never of my eye lids. I just think that it’s funny how it can effect the little things. At the back of my mind I worry about my eyes. I get blurry vision sometimes, my long distance is no way as well as it used to be. I worry about my memory. I even forgot what year it was on Tuesday and it’s funny because these worsen how you feel and therefore worsen your mental illness or at least the effect it has on you. It’s an awful but true fact. Like right now, vision blurry and all I want to do is bake. But I can’t… it’s like a fight. A fight between my own decrom and how the mania wants me to act. But I’m tired and need to sleep and my vision is going blurry but will I sleep? No. I need… I don’t know. I’m just trying to get my thoughts straight but they’re more like an erratic spider diagram then a linear sequence. It’s like when you do a spider diagram and you write small and smaller and you can make out the first bit but he next bit is lost and has gone onto another bit of your spider diagram which you can sort of read but it doesn’t make any sense. It’s just this array of thoughts. I think I’m losing my mind. Or possibly my mind is losing me judging on how fast it is going and how fast my fingers are going at this typing… Jeez… fingers slow down, you never usually work this fast you’re making me look bad! Well, no one’s here but my imaginary friend that I have so that whilst I am talking to myself I don’t seem so mental in my own head… he is a quite bugger though. Does any of this make sense? Maybe. So what was I going to do? Lie down. But there was more I wanted to write and what? I dno, forgot! I’m sorry. I should remember. Just be thankful it is coherent and spelled right-ish.
Okay imaginary friend – you and I are having a conversation. Night lovelies.