I don’t actually want to cry but I’m not going to wait an entire year to write a blog with that title but I think the sentiment stands on any birthday.
I’m going to start by apologising for both my lack of blogging and lack of responding to comment; I didn’t forget you. I should explain in chronological order. Or an order that makes sense in this jigsaw of my life.
So remember the event I blogged about on the 4th October which was about the event on the 3rd. Well my dad went into school. I was annoyed that he didn’t get as angry as he does when the school put the wrong last name. But in hindsight I am glad he didn’t get mad. He came to talk to her whilst I was in physics. She then came to talk to me while I was still in physics. She apologised and said she didn’t realize I wanted to talk to someone she thought I just needed a few minutes. I didn’t but okay – human error and miscommunication. I’m forgiving. She said she got the impression from my dad that I was coping just fine with the work load; shocked me because I didn’t realize how far out my dad was with it all but when I rang him at break he said he didn’t think that and he said something else which I forget but I do remember it could have been interpreted either way. But most importantly she said I could drop a subject and work in the library for that lesson instead, doing other work. So my inital was reaction was DROP PE! I have always loathed PE and get ill with the running and the PE teachers. I wanted to stop. I had PE that day actually (one day I’ll upload a picture of my timetable) and I think the mania made it fun. We changed to badminton so we won’t be outside so that kills the ‘I hate the cold excuse’, we have this guy who we call ‘Carlise Twilight’ (we don’t know his actual name)- whether a person like Twilight or not it is a funny name. So I changed my mind against PE since it’s only stress ocassionally and for a day and it is quite funny when hypomanic or manic and it relieves the energy. Even if it makes the depression worse.
I then said I was going to continue with all my subjects… until today.
Last night. I had a plan. Rest my bones and relax my headache till 8pm, go on the computer and answer all messages, do homework until finished then watch whatever. Unfortuantely, dissociative episode. I again don’t remember past about 7pm. I was awake because I said good night to my dad, I even replied to an email. But those episodes. I don’t even know how to explain them properly because I can’t remember them. The first memory I have is of my alarm going off at 4am (4am alarm is to remind me that it is now or never in terms of sleep). I then thought “fuck! I haven’t done my homework!” I then reasoned myself into not getting out of bed on the promise of “15 minutes and you can get up” – realising how tired I still was because I don’t sleep in those periods, how cold it was compared to my bed and how I deserve it. But 15 minutes turned into 30 minutes and 30 minutes turned into 45minutes until I fell asleep. For an hour. Woke around 6:15. I then recall telling myself that getting up to do my textiles work was a stupid thing to do since I had to be up in half an hour and I could just do it then. I did, when my dad came in with breakfast, I asked him to get my folder to do it. I began. Even did some in the car on the way to school. Dad wrote a note. But Ms YA allowed us to continue in the lesson. I couldn’t finish. I haven’t even started some of the work. I was ashamed to hand the work in. But she expects a ‘C’ so I’m going to give her a worse grade, maybe add some leverage to the story. I was away for part of it. But, here’s what I noticed: My previous textile teacher never marked our work and let us get on with it so we slacked off but this textiles teachers gives us work in the lesson but then takes us out the lesson to show us how to use machinery so we don’t have the time to finish. It’s so much stress for ONE GCSE that I am not interested in and adds no credit to my ability to get to A Level. I would much rather get A’s in the subjects I consider important rather than textiles.
If you haven’t gathered… I’m wanting to quit textiles.
It’s too much stress for too little outcome and I hate it with a passion and it dampens my mood when manic. It’s too much stress and stress it the last thing I need. So I shall quit, catch up, do homework for other subjects hoping to get those As.
I made a deal with my dad. I get 5 A’s and above at GCSE and he forgets the rest of the debt. That wasn’t the deciding factor. The factor was almost breaking down in textiles due to the stress.
I’ve been flucating between mania and hypomania all day but I’ve got post birthday blues which I get every year but I do love the fact that this traditional didn’t die with bipolar. I think the bipolar will make up for it though… But whilst blue I am reveling in the familiar feeling of these blues, I am going to damn well enjoy it. I haven’t had a familiar mood in months and I needed this.
I’ve actually got a migraine from said flucuations and so am going to lie down and revel in my birthday blues. I may or may not talk to my teacher tomorrow but if I don’t I am in a lot of trouble Tuesday – Oh GOD! So much.