There’s a world outside of my front door that gets off on being down.

I spent the day cleaning my room. My dad, ‘abused’ the mania to his own selfish gain of cleaning and rearranging my room. The state of my room takes a significant turn for the worse when depressed. Anything I use (toys, books, DVDs) are thrown on the floor, bottles are on the floor as I lose any self confidence and lose wanting to care for myself. Hence the mess which my manic self then gets annoyed with and cleans up except instead of 3 weeks, I had 5 weeks with one of those mixed episodes for a week and my mixed self would be damned if they’re cleaning up the mess. It’s like there are 3 of me except everyone knows eachother but they’re not that fond of eachother. Imagine 3 people inside your head who didn’t get along and were constantly battling for control. It’s like at the moment, mania hasn’t peaked and the mixed episode is wondering whether it can add depression in there. It sends an intrusive thought my way occassionally but it soon becomes lost in the rapidness of my thoughts.

I am having a complicated time juggling talking to everyone. Texting, kiking, blogging and messaging on various forums. But I love talking at the moment. Everyone in my house is boring. They want to play games or watch TV. I want to play with them. Jump on them. Get rid of this excess of energy. I have been off the internet for about 15hours and people already started freaking out about where I was and they needed me. I’m not encouraging dependancy of any sort. But fuck, I actually love being needed. I’m not going to lie.

So, I’m losing my ability to type. So interview email question time! WOOP!

“I get the impression from your blogs you totally suffer from the stigma attached with mental illness are you? Or am I way off?”

You’re on. I’m not totally suffering from it but you get it occassionally from people. People are a lot more understanding when I’m depressed, I find. When manic… totally goes over there heads and they think I’m doing it on purpose. Some people avoid me, teachers. Not people. But I do, but not everyone is like that. Some people reject treating you like the stigma.

“Do you get called crazy a lot?”

I do. Usually by friends who do not mean it nastily and yes majority of the time it offends me.

“Group therapy, yay or nay?”

Yay. The pressure is then off you to speak if you don’t feel like it and you can get friends in a similar situation to you.

“{personal story deleted for safety}, how do you think you would find a relationship?”

Just to give clarification, the story is about a boyfriend. I think a relationship would be hard. I generally attack people I get close to after a certain about of time. Not physically, more verbally. Hitting their weak spots is my unfortunate forte. I think it’s a test thereafter. If they tell me to shut up and that they aren’t going anywhere then we could be in it for the long haul. If they say as a friend called me once “I’m a crazy bitch” then no. But I expect a relationship to just hit me in the face, rather then me go out looking for one.

My dad loves to mock my mania period.

Bored of typing now.

I actually am too hyped to type. Let me show you a picture of a humourous cup my brother bought for my dad a few years ago and how appropriate I find it to my situation.

I say this as a hearty joke. I am of course as nutty as they come and believe that if we can’t laugh at ourselves then our mental illnesses will overtake all of us.
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22 thoughts on “There’s a world outside of my front door that gets off on being down.

        • Well hungry of course now xD But on a deeper level. Still hyper (hypomanic), it’s going up slower than usual. Worries me. Usually it zooms up during two days and lasts about 6 after (total of 8) but this one is lingering in the hypomanic phase and I’ve never had JUST a hypomanic stage, I’ve had hypomanic stages that go into mania or I have mania that goes up and down between full mania and hypomania. But never hypomania on its own so I’m concerned something bad is on it’s way. I don’t know what. I just pray it’s not another spending spree.

  1. well I can throw a bunch of words comments and encouragements at you to try to resist, but we know how valuable that would be. Have you found an alternative that helps when that urge tries to claim you?

    are you more irritable now?

    • You’re advice is valuble but with mania its not a thought process it’s more. See something. Like it. Want it. Buy it. Rather than See something. Like it. Moneywise can I buy it? Do I really need it. I am very indecisive usually. Which is why mania is the complete opposite to my personality whereas depressed isn’t completely opposite, it’s different, don’t get me wrong but not completely.
      I’m trying new methods such as creativity. Making scoobies, beading to keep my hands busy. Talking to myself to stop the racing and ultimately distracting thoughts.
      I’m more irritable when depressed. When manic or hypomanic I will get irritated if people question me or don’t follow my mood. The big one is fast speech and disconnected thoughtline so people don’t understand what I’m saying because I’m going too fast or can’t follow my thought process because to me it’s clear cut, to them they don’t get it, it’s nonsense. After all they aren’t inside my head.

  2. I talk fast most often. very fast. I have a lot to say, lol. I just tell people to listen faster and make a face at them.

    the “other things” is what I meant, they can often replace the financial urges that you regret afterwards, a lot turn to music, not listening, but to playing instruments. you should get a drum set.. you dad will love that, as it is well after midnight now.

    but it does help. nods again.

    • Haha, well we’d have a long conversation. I think it’s not just the pace but the content. One minute talking about leaves next about health class people don’t follow the link. Usually because there isn’t one.

      Yes, my dad would be over the moon about that. I wanted to learn to play the guitar but with depression I never followed it up. When I get a little more stable I might learn to play the guitar.

  3. guitar is what I would recommend. the classical guitar with nylon strings, it is easier to play and a bit quieter when you start strumming cords at three in the morning. Because when someone picks it up and smacks you over the head with it, it takes the fun out a bit……

    I do that, start talking about leaves and end up clouds.. lol. I bet I could keep up. your mind goes at a furious fast pace. It is a sign of genius you know.

    • I’ll tell you a sweet story. Last year before the end of school I said I wanted to learn how to play the guitar and my brother went to a theme park with his school and did one of those stands with the prizes and he had a choice out of this toy he really wanted or a guitar for me and he got the gutair and he came home and he said it was mine, I think I was actually off ill that day and I was so happy and suprised.
      We shall one day test your theory πŸ˜‰

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