I’m not fully manic yet. If I was I would not be able to write this blog so I will apologise for the lack of blogs for the next possibly 14 days. I will however write one on my birthday which is the 11th. Total promise to you.
To help with any withdrawal symptoms you may suffer during my absence (possibly a six day absence) I will write a long blog with ancedotes and funny comments MWHAHAHA!
That’s what I already write.
You sneaky little bats.
But I forgive you of course, you are remarkable human doings and I can’t stay mad.
To those of you who are not accustomed with mania let me describe it and please don’t take this as bragging while you a suffering with your problems.
But you feel AMAZING! You feel like you could do anything, be anything. There is a downside to everything of course. Implusivity can be a curse sometimes especially on spending. Fast thoughts can become frustrating to follow and fast speech becomes frustrating because people can’t follow what you are saying and you get frustrated by that and you get frustrated by people who do not share your good mood. True mania is a hard thing to function with. Hypomanic is probably the best mood a bipolar person could face. You have all the good feelings of happiness, self confidence, the energy to do things which I think stems from implusivity but wants to be creative. Though you can get the irritability if someone doesn’t share your good mood and you can get the fast speech and thoughts. At least that’s what I get and every bipolar bear is different.
I am experimenting with releasing my manic implusivity away from spending and into making scoobies and jewellery with beads. I pray that works because I have to tell my dad about the money I spent the last time after I promised I wouldn’t and I have to do this before he gets his bank statement so I hope the bank statement doesn’t come tomorrow so I can tell him. If I could just pay £10 into his account I’d be totally off the hook in my head (all via paypal). But alas, I am impulsive and addictive and think of the current thought there and then and not future ramifications.
But let’s not get ourselves down with such sad thoughts and guilt. Let us think of good things. I don’t know how I plan to spend my weekend but the hypomania turning to full mania should keep me exceptionally busy, usually with baking. If I do bake I will take pictures. We have no icing sugar. Darn. That won’t stop me, I’ll take pictures though and upload them, maybe not associated with a blog but you will see them and be able to comment.
I have been faced with another one of my dilemmas which I of course created for myself. I told a boy, a depressed boy, a suicidal boy, that I could no longer be friends with him because he wanted to kill himself over a girl he hadn’t even asked out yet and was single. He talked about her to me a lot, I swear it is not jealousy but every time he messaged me in the last few weeks it was about her and when I tried to switch the subject to something else, he managed to bring it around to himself and her and eventually I became sick of the same repetitive topic and told him that the likelihood that he would kill himself over her was minute and that he would probably find himself a girl. I told him not to message me again, deleted him on facebook and on all sites where we were friends. I do realize how teenagery this sounds but I honestly don’t know how I should respond to the message he sent me, I shall read it and risk killing the hypomania and tell you my exact thoughts as I read it.
He called me the nicest person. I’m really not. I haven’t even opened the message yet.
It’s short. There are two messages.
I am now thinking how far we are venturing into the teenage side of myself that I try to shun and for that I apologise.
I now think I can’t read it without feeling guilty. All the 12 pages of messages I deleted have come back, of course I can’t read them but the are back and one of the things telling me not to apologise for my true feelings was this, I suppose you could call it OCD tendency to not want anything back if all evidence is deleted. I also have another OCD tendency I want to talk about near the end of this blog.
“I keep switching from this tab to the tab with the message in. Glancing at it and then writing. I can’t read the first message. The second I shall copy and paste:
Please, I can’t lose you… Ill listen, I’ll try to look at the positives. Your just the nicest person who’s ever spoken to me. I’m sorry if I’ve been neglecting your issues. Please forgive me. That comment you gave was all true, but I need you as a friend. I’m closer to you than anyone else. Please give me one more chance. I’ll do anything”
So I have yet to read the full message even though I copied and pasted it, call it avoidance. Call it childish.
Okay… Okay… I’m going to read it.
“I’ll listen” “I’ll look at the positives” “I’m sorry if I’ve been neglecting your issues.” That was never the problem. Well it was. But…
“Forgive me.” Bleh.. “I’m closer to you then anyone else”
I have only glanced at comments. I can’t read the whole thing. I am actually an awful person. But the racing thoughts give me the need to write and say everything in my head. Hence why I have been talking to myself on and off today. That is also why I have to write my teenage banality down on this blog. It’s an attempt to organise such a disarray of thoughts. The racingness will get worse at the moment, it’s like watching a kids sports day , they’re all running, they’re not that slow and sometimes you lose track of them but it’s okay as they come into your eyeline eventually.
I also think I made up with said boy but who knows. Damn complicated human doings relationships.
Wish I was a snail
I’m wearing a ‘Paramore’ cap at the moment. I don’t know why… I’m in a darkened room.
But it goes along with the ‘Paramore’ top I was wearing earlier.
Now I must bid you adieu, please comment as I will reply. Now a picture: