I’m overjoyed, I’m undecided, I don’t know who I am

I’m not at school today. I’m in bed writing this blog.

It’s 3:13pm at this very moment and yes, I would be out of school at the moment but I would be in the car.

Well I wouldn’t actually because we had a half day. But I didn’t go for the half anyway. Why?

I was very depressed yesterday ( I am today too). I could write how I blame the diazepam for this but I’m not going to, I’ve got to put up with the side effects from the drugs that will get worse when I get the mood changers.
But I can’t hid from the fact I am depressed. But the reason I am off school is yesterday. I was at school. I’d been distant, moody and irritable. But the worse part? Suicidal. I mean in the day. I’m used to the several suicidal thoughts at night when I’m alone and it’s quiet and there is nothing but my thoughts keeping me company. But even then they were not this bad. I survived for the day until lunch, I was sitting with JLS and I just thought about the lessons I had next, RE and PE coincidentally. Then I remembered that even if we’re not doing PE (I wasn’t doing it due to the side effects of the diazepam, it brought me out in a cold sweat and made me ill so I wasn’t doing it) we have to bring our kit. I didn’t. I don’t usually anyway but I wear leggings and a black jumper which is the actual PE kit but I was wearing skinny jeans and a cardigan (a top underneath, I’m not that inappropriate) and I that’s when it hit me.

I went through several stages in ten seconds. Panic at realizing I was probably going to be yelled at. Anger because my dad forgot. Anger at myself for having to rely on my dad to get my PE kit ready because of how incapable I am of looking after myself. Self pity because I felt this bad. Guilt for hurting my dad like this. And that was it. That’s what it took. Tears began to brim in my eyes and several blinks and the tears were forced down my face. I hate making a spectical of myself so I ran for the nearest bathroom, it was empty. JLS swiftly followed. I then had what people deemed, “a mental breakdown”. I collected myself and JLS recommened I go to Mrs BG (the blonde lady from previous blogs I have finally learned her name). Until I was fully ready to go back to class. I want to say that even at this early in the story, I would have been perfectly willing to go to PE after I had talked to someone.

We went there and she wasn’t there. I’m realistic, I’m not going to say she should have been there, she can’t predict when I’m having a ‘bad day’ as she puts it.

Head of year walks in and ignores us and heads directly for his phone. He’s ringing someone JLS and I know’s mum telling her that her daughter is being disrespectful and uncooperative. We eagerly listened in. It turns out the head of year and Mrs BG and several other staff including the principal and vice principal were all dealing with the same situation. Mrs BG came in after about 10mins and asked us to move to the other side of the room while they placed the centre of the who ruckus at that table.

JLS and I moved.

She didn’t cause any hassle from the moment she entered the room to the moment she left.

Mrs BG walked past us to go to the kitchen and said “you having a bad day?” I should have replied, I’m not having a bad day, I’m having a bad year because I HAVE A FUCKING MENTAL ILLNESS! but I just curved my mouth and said “yeah” to which she pulled a patronizing sad face at. She then went back over to her desk area.

Mrs BG left after 10mins of sitting at her computer, with her bag. She teaches performing arts so even if she had a lesson, she couldn’t tell someone to come talk to us.

Two hours we sat there and no one came over to say anything. We got odd looks but NO ONE came over and even said “aren’t you girl’s supposed to be in class?” And they’re trying to have this big push on attendance. It’s a joke. I used to take the school so seriously. I thought they meant what they said. How do I walk into school now and convince myself that I’m going to have someone to fall back on? The school is full of empty promises. Then at 2:30pm JLS and I went up the stairs nearby so we could get signal and I could call my dad on her phone (since I was out of credit). He didn’t pick up because he’s paranoid and doesn’t pick up to numbers he doesn’t know. I then text him but he couldn’t see it in the sunlight. So we came back into student ‘support’ and they finally recognized us. “Are you waiting for someone?” Askes the attendance lady.

“Mrs BG” Says JLS.

“I think she’s gone, you could talk to Mrs Forrest.”

“It’s almost the end of the day” whispers someone else.

Mrs Forrest, Mrs BG, Miss Watson and Mr AD are all support staff. Two of them sat at their desks glancing at us for the past two hours.

So we left.

Walked out but hardly dramatically. I got an extra 5 minutes freedom which I would have got if I went to PE anyway.

So now I pose a dilemma upon myself. Do I skip all of tomorrow? Then, when asked why I skipped the day or ‘truanted’ I will then be able to say: “Oh, so now you notice me, yesterday when I was feeling suicidal where was all that attention then?”

Or do I walk into school tomorrow and just listen to “New Perspective” remembering the bad ass music video to that and have an attitude if anyone asks me about the lessons I missed yesterday.

Probably the latter.

But to end this blog, I’m going to talk about secrets. We all have one. Some are life altering. Some are funny. Some we keep just to not hurt others. I want to initate a day. I want to initate a day where everyone tells a secret. I think it should probably be two weeks from today. So not the 11th but the 18th. Whether it be by posting it on blogs, whether you say it by starting a discussion in a forum, whether it’s a comment on the blog I post on the 18th, whether you make a card and take a picture, whether you make a paint or photoshop image. Like:

I will also on that day, make a card and post a picture of that card. We have two weeks to decide on our secret, the one we want to unburden ourselves. We can make it as frivilous as “I bite my finger nails” or as relatable as “I steal office supplies because I hate my boss”. Go wild.

I chose these two secret pictures because at one time or another these were my secrets. I hope everyone does it.

 

 

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4 thoughts on “I’m overjoyed, I’m undecided, I don’t know who I am

  1. one step forward and two back.. but one step forward again, even though you know there will be two back.. because one day all of a sudden you will be running forward at full speed. It will take some time. some adjustments and changes. but it is going to happen. as hard as it is, you just keep going. your next session with the p should help. sometimes it may be hard to diagnose, to nail down, there are often times some different ones intertwine to muddle things. p will figure it out though (lol, now I am using letters) and things will change more quickly. k?

    *hugs*
    Amber

    • Well my pdoc thinks it’s bipolar disorder. But I have to do a 3 month mood diary to be certain. So I won’t see my pdoc for 3 months.
      You are right though, one step forward two back, one forward. But I’ll get there, wherever there is and it will go slow, slow, slow and pick up fast just like you said.
      **hugs back**

  2. *nods my head* once on some meds and a bit of therapy you won’t even know it anymore.

    “there” is the bright shiny happy place where you belong. The one that has the windy path with lots of twists and turns. But it is waiting for you. 🙂

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