I had another dissociative sleep last night. Snapped out of it at 4am, slept till 5am and realized I had homework, frantic rush to do it. Did it. What’s anyone else’s excuse?
Whilst reading on the internet I read that the long you leave bipolar untreated the longer and more severe the periods get. I don’t know if there is any truth in that but it sounds very approiate to my situation. Usually my mania would start at the end of the month and continue into the next month and my depression after the mania would last about three weeks. But we’re on week 5. I know I had about a week of a mixed episode but that still brings us up to four weeks and yes, I’ve had the odd hypomanic episode last a few hours but we are still are on four weeks and I’m very low. Irritable, very depressed. Just horrible. But I have to overcome it, what other choice is there? Spend my entire life in bed. But school is becoming increasingly difficult for me, english and maths especially. I’ve begun coming out in cold sweats (but feeling hot. boiling in my own skin), the effect of medication perhaps?
I avoided crowds today, as much as I want to experiment to see if the medication works, I can’t risk it not working, me having a panic attack and me being sent home, missing lessons in the process, I’m already behind.
I saw Mr TD today as I was working in, I had my ear phones in, so it was awkward. I didn’t know whether to leave them in look straight through him and ignore him or whether to take an earphone out so I could talk. I chose the latter. C’mon, I’m not unsocialible. He asked me how I was. He said I could catch up in class. He was nice. It made me less anxious about going in his class.
BUT! JLS had to ruin that, we were sitting and we were on our phones and I was on whatsapp talking to a friend and she says “look it’s your best friend!” I turn around expecting to see some boy that we talk to. It wasn’t it was Mr TD and I swear he heard her. As I was looking at him I said “hey”. It was awkward and it made me not want to go to History on Friday. She upsets me so much. But we continue to be friends. I don’t know why. English, I make this little squeal in pain noise as I had a headache I was dizzy. She goes, “was that you?” I lie and say “no” so she says to the girl next to me: “Was it you?” “No it was her”. Meaning me and so she calls me stupid. She threatens to beat me up when I tell her I’m suicidal and then texts me saying so and so said she needs to see a councellor because her illness is connected to stress. She makes stress for herself by starting arguments with her mum. Her mum is ill and yes, granted sometimes her mother is the evil one. Majority of the time it’s her.
Tomorrow’s Wednesday. Early lunch. If I’m in a class without JLS I can go and sit on the benches and watch my brother again and listen to music and be happy. But I think I am. So no peaceful moment of happiness for me.