So the only thing I want to report about school is that I had a lot of fun at lunch. My school and my brother’s school are right next to eachother, I sat on the bench wrapped around a tree, alone and watched my brother play football and I saw how happy he was and it made me smile and I was glad to know that everything else; such as me – doesn’t affect him. I sat there listening to music and even though there was a slight chill in the air, I enjoyed it. I can only watch my brother when I’m on early lunch because his lunch coincides with that.
So the psychiatrist.
The hospital was quite a complicated place. But we found our way in. We had hardly sat down when the psychiatrist came out and started talking to this couple and their baby; I didn’t think he was going to be my psyhiatrist at first. But he said my name and we went in.
At first he talked to my dad (with me still in the room) about what he had noticed with my moods and my dad basically said that when I’m depressed, staying in bed sadness, panic attacks and just basically nearly everything. Then a little less description with the mania but he was good.
Then he wanted to talk to me on my own.
I went indepth about my symptoms. I mean, just everything about all 3 periods; mania, depression and mixed episodes. The hallunications, delusions, paranoia.
But then he asked about my family and unlike my dad I told him. I told him how amazing my dad is, how my siblings are but then we had to talk about my mother. How I think she was bipolar and how I don’t know where she lives and generally stuff like that. Then he asked “Drink, smoke or take street drugs?” I felt an urge of sarcasm rise in me and I thought of such replies as “what, no pre martial sex?” and “Some, not a lot.” But I suppressed it. He asked if I was physically or sexually abused. Awkward silence. I ended up telling him, I asked him not to tell my dad and he said he wouldn’t and I told him. Simply physically abused by mum and her boyfriend. Sexually abused (touched not raped, well… just read the rest) by her boyfriend. I never told her about the sexual abuse as she didn’t believe me about the physical abuse. But that’s what my nightmares are about, a flash back of that (I’m not going to graphically describe it). But there’s a bit between him touching me and me crying in my room that’s blacked out, like my brain wants to remember but doesn’t – here is where I cried. Usually I can talk abouy my symptoms, my mother’s neglect with total unattachment – no emotion. But this time, just cried and he got me a tissue. When I told JLS about my problem (this was earlier in the day) about whether to tell him or not she just started telling me her own problems. Just because she may have ADHD does not give her the excuse to do that, I know people with severe ADHD who will listen and not change the subject if you talk to them about something THIS important but I digress. I don’t want to talk about it really because I just can’t – too upsetting. But I told him, first professional I told. I was also worried he would tell my dad when he called them in alone. But he didn’t just asked a little about my mother and whether he remembered anything more of my symptoms. For the first time someone has not let me down straight away; by that I mean a professional.
The outcome of all of this? He gave me diazepam 2mg which I am supposed to take only if I am having a bad few times. The diazepam is for my insomnia and anxiety. But I read (well actually was an answer on a forum) that I can’t drive if I take it meaning I can’t get a moped or a car. Also that in 3 months I go back and during that 3 months I do a mood diary, so this is actually the beginning of a new segment I like to call “Today’s Mood Diary Mood” – original name, right? and I go back and BOOM! Diagnosis! But he did make one diagnosis. I offically have an anxiety disorder. He also wants me to do this breathing exercise 3-4 times a day as apparently it pushes away the ‘bad adrenaline’ but it’s okay. Apparently diazepam was called valium but can worsen depression, so help a girl out, will it worsen depression?
Pros of this psychiatrist: nice, funny, helpful, truthful to his word. Cons: He costs a lot and on the prescripton for diazepam he wrote 26.10.12 instead of 26.09.12 so I can’t get the medication today because they could think I’m trying to OD (thinking I’m getting my meds early) so my dad wasn’t happy about that. It means I basically have to wait till the weekend (due to me having the dentist on Friday early but pro, day off school) although tomorrow textiles is going to stress me out and I don’t think I can avoid two whole lessons of her, one yes. Just say I’m stressed, having a bad day need to sit out of this lesson, tell her I’m feeling better near the end of textiles and then go to my next lesson. Unfortunately I can’t do that now as it’s a double. Also, my dad said that he’d let me have first two periods off but he had an appointment with a client but he said he’d take me school and we might get there for the end of break but now my dad has to collect my diazepam so I don’t know what’s really going on, might see if my dad will have the appointment with his client (leaving me here), take me to school around 10-10:30am and then drive to get the prescription changed. But he’s asleep now, maybe I’ll talk to him when he wakes at 6:30am, see if it’s better that way.
All in all, not a bad day. I think I’m coming up to a manic period though so sorry if blogs slow down because I can’t think coherently when manic. Night, loves 🙂 x