It’s a family gathering because it involves my family gathering. Well it was smaller than usual. It lacked 3 of the usuals.
My aunt, uncle and sister (EVB) weren’t there.
We went because had to evaluate my brother (SFB) pub and my dad bought a dictaphone, you talk into it and it records the voice – I’m sure you know what it does.
I go there with my younger brother ALB, older brother TLB and dad. TLB is in a wheelchair but he is honestly one of the most adventurous people I know, he does all this extreme sporting – I’m proud of him. He also has a car he drives with his hands, it’s pretty cool.
Anyway, we get to the pub and have a little hey with SFB and my dad goes off around the pub to evaluate it. So I sit with my two brothers – ALB and TLB and well, it’s awkward. We don’t know what to say. I’m depressed so I can’t be socialable. I tried but it failed. By the end we’re all on our phones. My dad comes back about 30-40minutes later and him and TLB start playing with the dictaphone trying to see if my dad has recorded – he only recorded 13 minutes and realized he had been pressing the wrong button for the most part. Then my niece (KB), her dad (my brother, AKB), his girlfriend (MT) and her daughter (RT) arrived. Unfortuantely my dad and brother were still playing with the dictaphone but I was relieved in a way, now majority of the social burden was lifted from me. But they were still playing so I had to say “Hey.” and in the end I hissed to dad “for fuck’s sake dad, talk”. ALB was too tired (ironic since he had much more sleep than me) and was lying down on the table like I do in school if the classroom is particularly warm and the lesson is particularly boring. Everyone ordered food. I wasn’t hungry so I just had a plate of chips. KB and RT acted like sisters fighting, even though they’re not. Which I found, sweet and annoying at the same time. The only thing that got me through was looking across the table to my younger brother and having an eye conversation. An eye conversation is where you move your eyes to convey a message and I bet a lot of you do it all the time. I only have eye conversations with 2 people. My younger brother AB and my friend SK, with SK it’s usually us saying that whoever is talking we find annoying and we end up laughing by the end. My brother and I was conveying our boredom, our awkwardness and our wanting to go sit in the car and play with electronics. Which always ends with us smiling. I talked to my niece a little bit, she’s becoming a little less shy around me. I could explain the whole story but who has the time?
But even with my own family, I don’t know what to say. It got it bit better when we went round AKB and MT house for the adults to have coffee and I always find it comical that whenever an adult male leaves the car they will comment or ask about the size of an area – “how big would you say his land is?” “How big is his garage?” “How high are the ceilings?”. I don’t know how this impacts on their or anybody’s lives, but I find it amusing. I just smile a lot in these situations, a fake smile and hopes that compensates for my complete lack of coversation. Then I get paranoid over the fact I think they don’t like me which is futile because they probably do and if they don’t I can’t change it but I still feel on edge over the fact they don’t like me. “Maybe I’m a critic, a cynic or am I crazy? Do they all hate me? Cuz they pick me up and throw me down, it’s making my head spin round and round.”
But, sometimes my paranoia is right. Like with my history teacher Mr TD, everyone I told called me paranoid, that he wasn’t picking on me or looking at me. Even this bitchy girl ER told everyone I was making it up. But on Friday, AY said to me: “why does he keep looking at you?”
Me: “You notice it too?!”
AY: “Yeah I’ve seen it before, everytime he does it I want to laugh. He like looks at you for a long time but then when he walks past you he doesn’t look at you.”
Me: “I know, he’s so fucking creepy! I actually want to cry everytime he does it.”
TAKE THAT EVERYONE WHO SAID I WAS JUST BEING PARANOID! – Maybe that’s childish. I’m just so sick of everyone thinking the same as I think about myself. I am paranoid but does everyone have to say it?
Back to the story: One of the more common conversations is about boyfriends. How come the girls get hassled? Is it just my family? RT – “How’s your boyfriend?” To be fair she is 20 something KB – “Have you got a boyfriend?” Apparently no but she’s had them before. She’s 12. People, please! Just because my niece has had them, why do I need one? Not saying I’m completely opposed to the idea but I feel guilty about making family and friends suffer through my mood swings and hellish attitude, why would I throw another soul in the deep zone? I’m not selfish.
But that’s my day. Just some comments though. Why does majority of people think it’s okay to use me? They use me to rant their problems at, then expect advice but don’t want to listen to my problems or use my problems as a starting point for theirs. £1o says I use the days off my doctor recommeneded and my dad allowed me this week.
I just want to feel good again. I really don’t know how people who aren’t rapid cyclers deal with it, I mean I hate being depressed for just 3-4 weeks how do any of you deal with it for months? I don’t want mania either. I hate the things I end up doing. I’m going to try a creative outlet. Like making bracelets with beads like I’m 4 years old again since I can’t knit lie my good friend can and I have no paints in the house and my dad doesn’t allow me out to shops when manic.
Also, I’ve just found out that one of my close email friends has been igonoring me. So that’s lovely. Is there anyone who actually – nope, I’m not going to self pity. But she had time to edit her website quite dramatically, watch youtube videos. But no time for me. Why do I even bother making friends?