So today was a moderately depressed day. I could fake smile, say all the right things. It is horrible but a relief that I’m not constantly nagged with the “you okay?” “what’s wrong?” don’t get me wrong, I do love the fact people care but not everyone asks because they care. Some people are just nosey and would like to feel, I don’t know, one up on you? I suppose is a good way to describe it. That’s why, the people who do know think I am no longer in a depressed period. They want me better. That’s what they want. So any behaviour which seems near normal they will latch onto. But what’s normal? Who actually woke up one day and said: “This is normal, this is not”. I’m trying to give people hope that I do have moments of happiness by acting happy. You know where that gets me? “You seem better today, you must be getting better”, “See, you’re not depressed you laughed” “You know, I hate you’re depressed period, glad your better” – I do this because it pains and annoys me to see people worrying over me unnecessarily but when I act a little happier everyone assumes I’m cured. I’m not moaning or saying “I don’t want to be better, I love the attention” but it drives me up the fucking wall when people see me slightly better one day and even worse the next and assume I fake it or bring it on makes me think, “What’ll prove it to you? Suicide?” I’m not just talking about my age group. Teachers. Doctors. Parent. Siblings. All down playing it because they can’t comphrend someone my age or their family being like this so they will say it’s cyclothymic because that’s less and it’s what they would be deemed managable in a teenager. Next week I’m going to act how I want and how I feel and not try and please everyone. Sorry. But you ruined it for yourselves.
So I suffer because you can’t handle it. That’s why I regret telling the school.
Anyway, JLS has been a lot nicer, I text her this morning asking if she has deodrant and she went home and bought some in for me. She buys me cookies after panic attacks. I mean there are the odd moments, but all in all she’s nicer and that makes my sitting next to her more pleasant.
Today (well for many many months) I lie about things I don’t need to. Not just when manic. Even when depressed. I make up lies that I have all these friends and that they do all this stuff. I don’t need to. Complusive liar? I read that complusive liars get this reflextive quality when they had to lie a lot as a child to keep them safe which is what I did. I know admitting this will come back to haunt me, but I said I was going to be honest and I’m trying to break this complusivity.
I also worry I am actually not bipolar like everyone says but BPD (borderline personality disorder). Symptoms are:
- Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
- A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
- Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
- Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, excessive spending, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
- Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars or picking at oneself (excoriation).
- Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
- Chronic feelings of emptiness
- Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
- Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms
So this is copied and pasted from wikipedia. I don’t think I have 1, 2, 3 and part of 6 as my moods last weeks not days. I was worried at first that BPD was completely psychological but according to web MD “Problems with chemicals in the brain that help control moods may play a role. It also seems to run in families.” I mean I don’t think it is in my family but there is something wrong with my chemicals. Am I hypochondriac? Probably. But what am I meant to do? Maybe I have both BPD and bipolar, who knows. I just hate sitting here not knowing. I have a psychatrist appointment on Wednesday at 5pm (after school), yes I do finally have an appointment, not looking forward to me seeing the bill though as it’ll just make me feel guiltier. If anyone could shed light on my current situation, I’d be grateful. From what you’ve read. I know there has yet to be a mania post yet but honestly?
Maybe I’m just putting anything down to be associated with anything. Just desperate I suppose.