Did I go?


I’d like to start off by saying thank you for commenting on my blog, it gives me a warm feeling inside 🙂

This blog is going to be short because it’s 7:02am and I need to get ready for school but I know a lot of you are dying to know whether I went to Mr TD.

I didn’t.

But not for the reason you think.

So all day people I had told previously kept asking whether I’d go or laughing at the fact he asked me.

The lesson before lunch was health. We were working on coursework and everyone was talking. Now I don’t know whether it was the tiredness, the tiredness and mixed episode or what but I got panicky with the voices talking over eachother as it reminded me of my hallunication before.

Quick explanation of that: Last time I hallunicated was sort of end of my manic phase when I was going into depression. I had an auditory hallunication, of a farmer, a farmer’s wife and this other man all arguing. I mean, it could have just tapped right into my subconsious because when I was little I spent a lot of time at my dad’s work place which is where I saw and heard a lot of farmers shouting at livestock.

But anyway, reminded me of that and I got panicky, I went outside and calmed myself down from having a fullblown panic attack. But at the end of the lesson where everyone in the class started talking. Boom! Panic attack. Ran outside, pushed MR (didn’t mean to) and it started. Constricted chest, hypoventillating, crying, couldn’t breath. SK and JLS came over and tried to calm me down but SK did just freeze up herself, bless her. JLS told her to go get Miss (this nice blonde lady Miss who has helped me several times) and after a few inain questions SK went, she didn’t return but I saw her hanging about near by. JLS came in to the medical room with me and I had to sit there until I calmed down. So I missed all of lunch calming down then I could really not be bothered to go back to any lessons seeing as it was RE and PE, I do like RE but if I went to that I had to go to PE and I was tired from the panic attack so I just told them to send me home. It is a bit ironic that the panic attack happened before RE and PE again but mores the pity. I bet Mr TD is going to have a go at me again but I really don’t care. I’m just sick of looking like a prat everytime I had a panic attack. But I think overall the panic attack was a good thing as it relieved the tension and got my mixed episode down to just a depressed period which is now what I’m in but I’ve totally lost track of what episode is when and now cannot predict for them but if we’re going by usualness than around the beginning of October mania should begin.

Wish me luck on my History controlled assessment. Sorry it was a short one.


48 thoughts on “Did I go?

  1. I’ve had auditory hallucinations before… I think. One time I woke up at like, 5:00 in the morning to the noise of a cop speaking through a megaphone or something. I didn’t hear words, just the static sound of it. Then when i looked out the window into my backyard, I saw nothing. The the speaker said “look to the right of the garage.” I quickly glanced over there (saw nothing) but swiftly decided I was just really tired and went back to bed. I also hallucinated the crackling sound of something burning coming from under my desk, then I smelled smoke. It freaked me out so I crawled under my desk and yanked out the cord that was plugged into the wall to make sure nothing was burning. When I looked again, the smell of smoke was gone and there was no evidence of something starting on fire… I don’t know whats wrong with me..

    • That’s horrible.
      At first my auditory hallucinations was just one person and they just said ‘kill yourself’ and ‘youre not worth it’. Then a few times after that it was two people having a conversation but I could only make out a few words. Then the last time it happened it was 3 people, a farmer, the farmers wife and this other guy but they spoke over eachother like they were arguing and so i could hardly make anything out. The reason any medical professional think I get it is because they think I have bipolar disorder or manic depression as it is sometimes called. But I’m not officially diagnosed but I’m hoping for a diagnosis in December. Do you see anyone even just a doctor and have they not even predicted what they think it is?

      • I’m not officially diagnosed with ADD and whatever else I may have, but I know I have ADD, and i think there’s something else that wrong. This isn’t all just ADD. I’m my testing results next Wednesday. Lets hope I get help with all of this.

        • Well the the ADD is obviously what they’re looking at/for. It’s good you’re getting help with it though. Best of luck with Wednesday, make sure to tell me how the results go. What else do you think is wrong if you don’t mind me asking? Do you have an idea or just know there is something more?

          • I don’t know what it would be called. I don’t want to research the symptoms because then I’ll connect the symptoms and think I have every mental disease in the world, ya know? I just know there’s something more. Whatever it is, its making me hallucinate, drastically overthink things (Its hard to explain… maybe that isn’t the right phrase.) and its preventing me from remembering things.

            • Yeah, I was the same. Never wanted to look it up. I looked up bipolar when people said it seems like you have it but I never searched the symptoms indivdiually.
              Obviously not bipolar since you haven’t mentioned mood swings. Schziophrenia, maybe? I’m not an expect and I don’t want to worry you by looking things up. But I hope you do get it sorted.

    • Hi Amy, I am addressing this here as I am not sure what you want on your blog. When you have had auditory hallucinations, where they about the same time as a panic attack? you don’t have to answer, but severe anxiety can cause this, even more complex hallucinations like voices can be caused by severe anxiety. Hope you are checking here.

      There are numerous things that can do this. so don’t assume anything. K?

      • I know. I don’t assume. I was actually looking up anxiety symptoms before I saw this. It’s kind of ironic.
        The hallucinations were not around the same time. they were earlier, like in the summer. the panic attacks came months afterwards, like around the time I started school.

      • *nods* not just panic attacks though, general anxiety.. you may not even feel anxious, but could be. I am just telling you that, and did so on my blog 🙂 so you don’t start feeling or thinking other things, and increasing your anxiety. I know you are all twisted up inside, you don’t need to add to that if at all possible.

  2. keep not looking things up you two. Assuming the worst or anything at all, is going to mess you up. But I love how you are exchanging. 🙂 I know you are both searching, and as I have said, rightfully so, but f you look things up, you assume the worst or think it is something else.. It is best to just wait. I know how hard it is. but hang in there. it is going to be all good, time is the key. k?

  3. I know. you want to know and see things online or hear things and then think, assume, wonder. I would love to give you answers too, but that would be wrong in so many ways. I keep biting my tongue.. uhm fingers? Hope your weekend is going great!


  4. no, never mean, you know that. 🙂 You are at the hardest stage of treatment, The start. the diagnosing phase, and you want immediate results and answers. It is frustrating. This is so hard for you.

    I don’t wish to ask things that make you think the wrong things. Asking some questions to some people can awaken things that should only be awakened in person, Suggesting some things or answering some questions, that both of you have asked, some in a round about way, it isn’t right to do.

    I can smile and hug and tell you that you are wonderful, things are really moving the right way now, even though it seems so slow and frustrating.

    • Yes it is frustrating but I do suppose that just getting a diagonosis of anxiety disorder is good. I mean obviously not the most diagnosis but still diagnosed part of the problem.

      No, ask away. I never think anything wrong if I can see a good intention in the question. You won’t awaken anything in me, I swear. I already have everything fully awake, so you can ask what you wish 🙂

      I know you’re right, so it’s easier to handle then it was when everyone was saying there was something wrong but giving no answers.

    • Laptop, reading, listening to music, that’s if moderately depressed. If severely depressed I’ll just lie there for hours waiting till I am almost forced out of bed to go to school. If manic, I might bake, paint things (not necessarily things I’m allowed) – anything creative. If hypomanic I’ll watch funny things or do things that are controlled but get rid of the antsyness.

  5. hmm, I am wondering what you are painting. lol. furniture or pictures. You have tried to do what I mentioned yesterday, painting an image in your mind, clearing it so that perhaps you can doze off again? or, if you can’t, what about writing, give this a try. write a blog in your head, no typing. nice and comfy on your bed and eyes closed, write a very long blog, about anything, all in your head, and I will check for spelling errors. 😉

    • Usually silly pictures. Stickmen are all I can usually do 😛 Then write captions, but the paints had an accident a while ago. I need to buy new one xD
      That will not make me sleep, nothing does. I really have to stress that nothing. No thinking, sleeping, relaxtion technique. It was once suggested that my not sleeping, my general attitude to bad situations and the dissociative episodes were an avoidance technique that I conditioned upon myself, utter nonsense as there is no trigger. Well maybe avoidance of nightmares for the sleep but the rest is wrong.

  6. nods. refrains from other tips and suggestions for now. 🙂 There are some though.

    I don’t think you have conditioned anything upon yourself.

    stickman comic strips. You could put those in your blog once a week, Stickman tuesday. Yo will be famous.

    • No, don’t do that. Keep giving tips and suggestions. Just not about sleep because everything you suggest has been suggested several times before.
      The stickman comics don’t sound like a bad idea but I could only do them for a possible two Tuesday’s as when depressed I won’t do it.

        • Wrapping? O.O

          I’ll try but I will most likely forget, I can’t plan what my mania wants and if I know my mania bu Tuesday it will be strong and completely past the creative stage and the more unstable stage.
          I do journal. That has become a side thought since I blog but I do write there.

  7. lol, yup wrapping. I peeked your interest? I won’t say it helps or not, but it works like a hug. There are various ways and thoughts on this now, from weighted blankets to cocooning.

    do you get very irritable?

    • Well I didn’t know what wrapping was, now I do I know that won’t work. I’d panic, feel like I was trapped. That’s why I hate being locked in rooms. Last time my brother locked me in the bathroom as a joke, I smashed a mirror, threw things at the door, screamed and cried but he didn’t know I was going to react like that. He profusely apologised and promised never to do it again and so far hasn’t. I forgived him.

      Yes. In all periods. When I’m depressed it’s usually because I’m too depressed to function. When I’m mixed it just happens at a magnified amount. When manic it’s mainly when people don’t follow my good time.

  8. the wrapping is designed to be like a hug, which can be comforting, but I can see how that could bother you too. And the weighted blanket or cocoon restricting you if you woke up in a panic, would intensify it.

    but I snuck one more by you. lol. tricky huh?

  9. hmmm, I am not surprised, it is often missed. ok I am comfortable with this one. you need to check into it, I think it may be important.

    in short sleep apnea is abnormal pauses in your breathing while sleeping.

    Sleep apnea and your lung damage could be connected
    Sleep apnea will cause the sleep disruptions you have
    sleep apnea will cause nightmares/terrors

    The lack of sleep you are suffering from does a lot of things to the body. I would make some inquires. It is worth an ask.


    • Would you know if you have sleep apnea? I mean how do you know if you stop breathing because whilst I am a light sleeper I wouldn’t wake if my body had problems. Only if it was someone else having trouble – I’m funny like that. Let me tell you something quick. Last year, I was coughing all through the night and wheezing (to do with an infection and my weak lungs) and I didn’t wake up. Several weeks later my brother contracted the same infection except it was just coughing no wheezing and he coughed once in the night and I was up. I’m the same at my friend’s houses. But that’s an interesting thing you’ve bought up. I shall look into it by asking my GP.
      *hugs :)*

      • people that snore heavily or are overweight often have it, but that is not the limit to it. asthma and lung damage are also causes.

        to test, you actually sleep in a test center, they watch to see how many times, if any, you stop breathing during the test sleep.

        there is treatment for it, a little air pump and mask, It looks daunting, but people that use it find it amazingly comfortable and start sleeping well instantly.

        it could be a solution, I don’t know, it goes hand in hand with some other things too. and intensifies them.

        I would love for you to lie down at night and wake up when the sun peeks in the window all rested. (or even a few hours after that :-))

        • I’ve been known to snore, I’m not overweight, little chubby. Don’t have asthma, but brother had it for a spell. Have lung damage :O
          I think I will mention it, I’ll go doctors once mania pipes down a bit.
          I’d love for all insomnia sufferers to be able to sleep, just to lie down and sleep from midnight to midday but we never all will 😦
          How are you today?

      • I am great 🙂 we are just heading out for our Thanks giving dinner. I am famished, lol, but I always am. I will peek back when we return later tonight, I do hope you will be sleeping then, but I sort of know now, you won’t be.

        but maybe soon.

        Nods, the lung damage is what made me go hmmm, also some other connections.

        • Is it thanksgiving over there?
          I won’t be, I will be here. I’d say 24/7 but more for a couple of hours, watch something exhilarting and see where the night takes me.
          Ah, well I hope you’re right in some aspects (aspect being so I can sleep), hope you’re wrong (because I don’t want to have sleep apnea) xD

      • nods, something else to worry about, but it is so easily fixed. The sleeping pump, it has a name. sounds uncomfortable and looks odd, but I know it works, I have an uncle that uses it, he said it doesn’t bother him at all and loves how he sleeps so much better.

        and yes it is Thanksgiving, so we are actually heading out the door now. woo hoo a long weekend, more time to do hw. lol. yes I have that too.

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