I’ve been imagining for a long time how to kill myself. How to say good bye.
I don’t want to commit suicide. It’s a permanent soluton to a temporary problem.
But you know what is mostly a temporary solution to a temporary problem?
I’m not trying to glamorize it but it is true.
As you can tell from recent blogs, the tone in my blogs that I’m stressed. I actually received an email asking me whether I was going to kill myself. Read the blogs, love. Do I sound like it? Get back to me.
But today, I was really stressed – this whole month is stressful.
So I do what a lot of us do. I took the razor blade (a new one since the old one was blunt) and cut all down my left arm. Which as you can imagine, new razor blade, anger, that equals a lot of blood. I used to wipe it on the pages of my journal (gross I know but hey, you want truthful) but I now use tissues. Both covered in blood, problem is I’m always too lazy to get up and wash it so I have paths of dried blood all down my arm. Arm covered in cuts. I hide it. Which is why I don’t cut my right arm anymore (the scars are still there after at least a month), if I need to roll up my sleeve for any reason. I roll up my right. No questions asked.
When I self harm, well especially today. I’ve gone pale, light headed. I worry my iron deficiency anaemia is back. But it’s probably a psychological response to seeing so much blood from itself. When I clean it the cuts, it will look a hell of a lot better. I’d take a photo but even I have my limits on morbidity, however if I was asked I wouldn’t be totally inclined to say no;)
Oh, great. Now I’m appealing to fetishs, oh well. I’m going to Hell anyway. Come all blood fetishs, vampires and leeches, ask me for pictures of my blood. I imagine it’s like porn to you lot. Hey, I’m not against porn or fetishs – aside from the prisonable illegal ones like kids.
But I got blood on my pjyama top along with pen from when I was journalling, not that my journal is much about feelings anymore. More like a diary… I need to rectify that. Anyway, blood. Pyjamas. Doesn’t matter just a dot on my sleeve, not noticible unless you were looking.
Autumn should be a good season, two movies I’ve been looking forward to are coming out, a book I’ve been waiting for basically a year to come out and my birthday. Once I get past the controlled assessments, history (two questions, we do question one then question two at a later date) and we have English one, I think. We’re doing science but that should be done soon, I’m looking forward to getting back to normal teaching lessons. I don’t think just having exams is a bad idea. I like all my stress at one point than slowly spread out through the year but then again I’ll probably complain about that and the stress but I could be on medication and yeah, I know the world doesn’t revolve around me. But just for once I wish things would go my way. Just once. Like Mr TD got sick or something tomorrow or it snowed or I actually got an appointment to get better. None of them will happen. So, how happy do you imagine I am?
Have a good night, loves!