Two dissociative epsiodes in a row and telling professionals

Okay, sorry I didn’t write yesterday but I’m about to explain why. Ready? Here goes.

So I didn’t sleep Sunday night. But Monday night (assuming today is Tuesday because I have no fucking clue what day it is anymore) I had a violent incident which I completely regret and I’m not going into details because this is the one thing I am most scared of and worried about.If I was not pulled away I may have ended up killing someone, a family member. I am scared of the fact I wouldn’t stop, what if I didn’t stop? What if I wasn’t pulled away? Would I continue? You see why this scares me, right?

The dissociative sleep on Monday was pretty much the same to be honest as Saturday, so I’m not going to rewrite symptoms, the only way I knew I was awake was because I had replied to messages – emails only this time and my dad said I said good night. I had a nap around 8pm and didn’t snap out of it until about 6am at which point I started crying for two reasons: one I thought my health work was in for today (I don’t even have health, shows how not with it I am) and two because I hate not remembering. AGAIN! It’s so unfair. Just one day. One break. One day of normality.

I told my Health teacher Mrs C on Monday and she was alright and basically said I should tell her if things are getting too much and then I told this other teacher today who is more on pastrol side of things and she said she’d send an email out telling my teachers my problem, I honestly didn’t mind. Although my parnoid side of things (at least I hope it was paranoia) made (makes) me think that they’ll use that information against me and that it is not really true. At least I hope it’s not.

JLS pissed me off by telling the teacher that she thinks I should read. What is it about English JLS thinks she can fuck me off in? Okay, swearing ceases. I apologise. But in the end, we both said the first syllable (she was going to take over from me because she felt bad) and this random boy started reading for us. Thanks for that. Makes my life easier.

But the thing that pissed (sorry) me off today, I mean really. I was sitting on the stairs with AS and we were talking, fun and everything and my history teacher Mr TD came walking up. He goes to me: “You weren’t here yesterday were you?”

“Um, no. Wait, yes. Friday”

“Oh, I well you missed some work” (here is where I thought he would have said I’ll give you some to take home)

“yeah, I know” (What else was I expected to say?)

“Come find me Wednesday lunch so you can design a plan for your controlled assessment.”

Me: ” -_-”

AS: “AHAHAHAHA!”

“Okay.”

I’m not going. I’ll either say I forgot or I couldn’t find him. I’m planning on quitting don’t see why he keeps making me do work. I’d rather fail than be stuck in a classroom with him. I know how to answer the questions. Why does he keep wanting me to come. I know you’ll all say: “He’s trying to help”. He hates me. He gives me dirty looks. Why on Earth would he want to be in the same room as me?” Well, two reasons could be possible. Either he wants to get a better grade curve and he thinks I’m capable (objectively of course) of an A or he wants to murder me. I’m not interested in either. If I could get better and finally think straight, maybe I’ll see how crazy this thought process is. Or maybe I’m just seeing things too clearly that it denounces all reasonable logic. Which ever. I refuse to go. I do.

 

We all know I’ll end up going -_-

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37 thoughts on “Two dissociative epsiodes in a row and telling professionals

  1. Also, I hate not being able to trust my own mind and I think that is what sucks the most….if we can’t trust ourselves then what???? I really do hope these episodes stop happening to you.

    • Yes, not everything I write about it completely relatable but I think relating to poisonous thoughts is something. I hope we both find a way to shun those thoughts – thank you for commenting; I really appreciate it 🙂

    • Well the dissociative isn’t quite a fog, I don’t think which is why I don’t remember what happens, it’s like I’m disconnected from my body. But other than the dissociativeness I do agree it is like a fog and I wish I could just say that I don’t want to go there but there’s something else running the show at the moment 😛

  2. dissociative sleep is a protection, your minds way of keeping things from you. nightmares.. those events that are foggy in your mind, that is also shielding you from them. in a way it may be a good thing, but it is disrupting you. something to talk to p about, unless you already did, I know you did a bit. awwww, I want to hug you again.

    it is going to get better though. I keep telling you that, probably because I want you to start to feel like it will.

    *smiles cheerfully*

    • I do love that my mind wants to protect me, I just wish it would only do it on Friday and Saturday nights :P. You’re right protection from nightmares, that is where my insomnia comes from. The best way my mind could protect me is stopping the nightmares but I don’t think the good part of my mind has that control hence the insomnia and dissociativeness.

      Thanks, I just wish better was sooner. **Huggles :)**

  3. ok. I like how you have the moderate comment feature enabled. I can send you something like this, and you can delete it, or not approve, what ever works. Nice thing about blogs, is you can peek and not say anything. *shrugs* sometimes helping someone else, makes you feel a tiny bit better, I know you know this, as I said before you are very bright. very.

    *gives you a big smile* hope you are sleeping well right now.

    *hugs*
    Amber

    • Hey, so instead of deleting your comment I edited out the bit I figured you didn’t want people to see.
      I moderate comments because if I were away from my computer and someone were to put a hate comment on here and people were to read it I don’t want anyone upset.
      I do like that about blogs too 😛
      You too are very bright which is why we get along so well.
      So what name do you want to give me? *Smirking smile*
      I’m not asleep I will try in about an hour.
      *hugs back and waves good night*

  4. *sits on the corner of your bed munching on cookies watching you try to sleep…* debates singing you lullabies and tries very hard not to get too may crumbs on your sheets.. *giggles*. debates kitten, pumpkin, panda and champ. .hesitates on champ and keeps pondering it because you are one.

    think of the sunny shiny place, add your own little brook, some nice trees, a meadow and some puppies running in it. perhaps a lake, i love lakes.

  5. a couple of questions first, and I am also going to say this, feel free to edit or delete any comment or avoid a question. I can’t see you to gauge how somethings impact you, as I would in person. I do not wish to cause an event, hiccup, or an annoyance in you, k?

    so, do you try to avoid sleep, because of the nightmares or night terrors (perhaps)

    is it always the same nightmare, or do you remember?

    • I would never edit a comment unless it had names and addresses and such; just for that person’s protection. I’m also okay talking about it online, I will avoid it in person though 😛
      1. Well the nightmares began end of Christmas, new year time (2011 Christmas, 2012 being the new year) (The holidays were not a factor) and it was flashbacks basically. I knew what had happened, I hadn’t forgotten it like some people do but the memory of it had hid itself for many years behind a veil of… anything it could. It was never forefront in my mind. Then I had a nightmare about it and I thought that would be it. But it kept happening. Nearly every night (sometimes I had different nightmares but I’ll get to that in a minute). So I don’t really know the biology of it but then my body stopped me sleeping. It started with waking me up at 4am, having me only fallen asleep at midnight. Then less time. Until it would keep me awake all night and sleep very few hours the next night. Then it when my body tried to sleep longer it had a nightmare and eventually it conditioned itself to the amount of sleep it could tolerate without a nightmare. That being only two. If I was too have a nightmare it would keep me awake for probably two nights with no sleep before it let me sleep for two hours. So no, I am not intentionally avoiding sleep. I think it’s my body’s protection system for me. Like an antivirus. Except I don’t get a say in it.
      2. It’s not always the same nightmare. Majority of the time, it is a remembrance of what happened with the black bit. Like explained in my blog. But sometimes I’ll have ones about my mother and sometimes I’ll have the ones everyone has: arguments with friends, naked at school, being yelled at by a parent. I majority of the time remember the nightmare after it has happened.

  6. I sort of expected that answer. online is easier to bare your soul isn’t it? I hope when you chat with p you don’t hold back though. The more you tell the better.

    and yes, the body does that, well the mind does. shuts down things that cause pain or torment. we need to tell the mind that is great, but you are boss.

    There are some things to help a bit, you may have already heard or tried some, I don’t know. Setting the right environmental conditions in your room can let you sleep longer possibly. A warm room will often bring on a nightmare. (do you wake up in a panic, or does it bring on a panic attack?) So if you can sleep a bit cooler, some white noise too, a fan or something to help cover the sounds the house makes. a tiny snack before bed (not sugar based), but not too much liquid, so you aren’t hungry through the night.. and not too much liquid.. and you know the why of that. 🙂

    The lack of sleep, as you again probably know, adds to other problems. but if you can’t sleep you can’t sleep.

    can you paint a picture in your mind? really concentrate on it? step by step. Something like your little lake near you, but much more magnificent. You start there, picturing all the ripples in the water, the gentle breeze, the trees lining the shore. you build an island in the middle of the lake, the trees keep anyone from the shore and the lake is your moat, such a beautiful island, start building the grassy meadow, the trees, the clouds in the sky.. picture it all as you close your eyes at night. keep building it, maybe a puppy running in the grass, watch it explore things, only concentrate on that image your island. When you wake up with anything, even that ole nightmare, go back to your island, start building things again, breath in through your nose and out through your mouth, relax. just keep adding to your retreat until you doze off, if you wake, smile at the puppy wagging its tail and throw a stick.. make it a dream you control. a dream not a nightmare.

    oh, and turn off your phone, and computer, no beeps through the night. 😉

    digital displays too, clocks you watch the numbers change on.. cover them up.

    • Yes online is easier to bare your soul. The situation with pdocs at the moment is complicated. Well more a long story that is too long to type.

      I’ve tried them all. Turning off all lights, all computers, phones, mediating, I don’t have a digital alarm clock, I have no clock in my room except on my iPod, I have tried relaxing music, creating happy spaces. None of them work. Medication doesn’t work. I have been on 3 different medications – all adult doses. None work. I appreciate the help on this but honestly, nothing has worked thus far. You got it right when you said “If you can’t sleep, you can’t sleep.”

      Wake up in a panic. Panic attacks are primarily in crowds.

      Lack of sleep does add to my problems.

  7. nods again. addressing a past issue and working through it carefully, pdoc could help with that. maybe help to end that torment slowly. I understand it is hard to visit them too, for many reasons, and so expensive, and that adds to your torment.

    a hot bath? even half way through the night, not a quick one, a relaxing one, Even some bubbles, purple of course.

    have you tried sleeping meds for a while? perhaps you have developed a tolerance for them now

    • It’s not expense as such. It’s more, he’s only going to diagnose me and once I’m officially diagnosed (which is most likely to be with bipolar disorder) I will be shifted to a free psychiatrist.
      Baths don’t work either. I have tried everything. I don’t sleep. I’m not exaggerating when I say everything. Any possible recommendation I have tried but drugs are my only option now.
      I haven’t tried sleeping meds for that long. A week on one, several weeks later I was put on another for a week. Several weeks later I was put on diazepam for a week. (The other medications have long names that I don’t remember).

  8. I think the visit and the talking of the, episode/s have awakened and strengthened the nightmares. Is the timing about right?

    kk, lets look at the other side. Exercise, Really good work outs, no, not at night. lol, but during the day. do you run at all? tis very good therapy. check into it.

    *sneaks another hug*

    • The insomnia came and then the bipolar. Pdoc said that the insomnia was the final trigger for the mental illness to erupt.
      I’ve tried exercising. Yoga and stuff. Doesn’t work. I can’t run, if I run I get severely ill due to damaged lungs from iron deficiency anaemia.

    • My pdoc said yoga. I can’t mediate though and any one that gets my blood flowing makes me ill. I also hate exercise and become more depressed doing something I hate than any improvements running could give me.

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