Okay, sorry I didn’t write yesterday but I’m about to explain why. Ready? Here goes.
So I didn’t sleep Sunday night. But Monday night (assuming today is Tuesday because I have no fucking clue what day it is anymore) I had a violent incident which I completely regret and I’m not going into details because this is the one thing I am most scared of and worried about.If I was not pulled away I may have ended up killing someone, a family member. I am scared of the fact I wouldn’t stop, what if I didn’t stop? What if I wasn’t pulled away? Would I continue? You see why this scares me, right?
The dissociative sleep on Monday was pretty much the same to be honest as Saturday, so I’m not going to rewrite symptoms, the only way I knew I was awake was because I had replied to messages – emails only this time and my dad said I said good night. I had a nap around 8pm and didn’t snap out of it until about 6am at which point I started crying for two reasons: one I thought my health work was in for today (I don’t even have health, shows how not with it I am) and two because I hate not remembering. AGAIN! It’s so unfair. Just one day. One break. One day of normality.
I told my Health teacher Mrs C on Monday and she was alright and basically said I should tell her if things are getting too much and then I told this other teacher today who is more on pastrol side of things and she said she’d send an email out telling my teachers my problem, I honestly didn’t mind. Although my parnoid side of things (at least I hope it was paranoia) made (makes) me think that they’ll use that information against me and that it is not really true. At least I hope it’s not.
JLS pissed me off by telling the teacher that she thinks I should read. What is it about English JLS thinks she can fuck me off in? Okay, swearing ceases. I apologise. But in the end, we both said the first syllable (she was going to take over from me because she felt bad) and this random boy started reading for us. Thanks for that. Makes my life easier.
But the thing that pissed (sorry) me off today, I mean really. I was sitting on the stairs with AS and we were talking, fun and everything and my history teacher Mr TD came walking up. He goes to me: “You weren’t here yesterday were you?”
“Um, no. Wait, yes. Friday”
“Oh, I well you missed some work” (here is where I thought he would have said I’ll give you some to take home)
“yeah, I know” (What else was I expected to say?)
“Come find me Wednesday lunch so you can design a plan for your controlled assessment.”
Me: ” -_-”
I’m not going. I’ll either say I forgot or I couldn’t find him. I’m planning on quitting don’t see why he keeps making me do work. I’d rather fail than be stuck in a classroom with him. I know how to answer the questions. Why does he keep wanting me to come. I know you’ll all say: “He’s trying to help”. He hates me. He gives me dirty looks. Why on Earth would he want to be in the same room as me?” Well, two reasons could be possible. Either he wants to get a better grade curve and he thinks I’m capable (objectively of course) of an A or he wants to murder me. I’m not interested in either. If I could get better and finally think straight, maybe I’ll see how crazy this thought process is. Or maybe I’m just seeing things too clearly that it denounces all reasonable logic. Which ever. I refuse to go. I do.
We all know I’ll end up going -_-