Dissociative Sleep.

Well, I actually believed my day today was not going to be blog worthy.

I fell asleep at about 5am, I stayed up watching Ghost Whisperer. I shouldn’t really as it is a major trigger for my depression but I love it to pieces and I don’t care if it triggers/makes my depression worse, I’m going to continue to watch it. Even though everytime I watch it I end up crying like a baby over the heartbreak of it.

I slept till about 8am, 9am because I had a nightmare so I slept longer then 3 hours but I never sleep longer than 5 because that is usually when my nightmares happen.

After a nightmare there are two types of waking up. The usual is waking up with a fast heart beat, sweating, fully alert – panicky basically. Which I honestly prefer. It takes me an hour to calm down from that – tops.

Then there is the other one. When it first started happening I didn’t know what to call it, so I googled (as you do these days) and found out the term. Hence dissociative.

When it happens, I feel disconnected to my own body, I do things and I don’t remember them. Like today: next to my bed, I have two mugs full of pens and I never put them on my bed because if I do they fall out and I send up picking them up from under my back for weeks. But they were on my bed (luckily they never rolled out), I’d moved my fibre optic light – just little things. But my problem is that it upsets me that I can’t remember and it wastes majority of my day. My plan today was to do my course work for health and my design specifications (which I said I’d done but that’s just a little funny tidbit) but I didn’t snap out of it till around 3pm so my entire day was wasted and if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m not sleeping tonight I would not be able to do said homework so when tomorrow my health teacher says “why haven’t you done your homework?” What would be my excuse? How could I explain this problem without explaining my other problems? I suppose I could just give her my blog URL as an explanation… Joking – sorta.

You want to know how I really feel about my mental illness?

I wonder why does the world as I know it keep on bringing me down? I have to try my best to hide it but no matter how hard that I try to climb back out of this hole. I’ll be pulled back down again and I haven’t seen sunlight in days in this hole but it’s funny how things change when I become manic. But even then when I’m given a friendship or someone who could honest to God care for me, I take what I get and I throw it away and I break it. Before all this I had everything but you, bipolar took it from me and i hate it. When manic or severely depressed my thoughts run through me like a lethal injection and one of these days it is going to kill me.

But all of this does have a positive spin on it. If it wasn’t for my bipolar, I never would have met IG or JW or SP. I could never regret meeting these wonderful people, they are an honest and caring bunch of people who I would (and I know it sounds melodramatic) die for.

IG also has a blog, http://www.beingmeisbeautiful.com/apps/blog It is actually an amazing and helpful blog and is one of the few blogs I follow, she gives down to Earth, inspiring blogs and you should honestly check it out because it’ll help you like it helped me.

Contact me for any type of chat: myobviouslittlesecret@hotmail.co.uk

Contact IG on: beingmeisbeautiful@gmail.com

Both of us willing to listen to your problems 🙂

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