To mark the 5 year death of my dogs I lit a candle each. To show my, I’m not really sure what the right word is, um… love. Well yeah, love to all the people who had commited suicide I lit a candle for them too, they’re only dinky little tea light candles but I thought it was sweet (picture, two front ones are for my dogs, back one is for the suicides).
I was quite depressed today and not holding it together, then my friend and I got into an argument. She’s a sweet girl and she told me she was having a bad day. I recommended not talking to me if she was having a bad day because she might say something she’d regret. She didn’t listen to my advice and we both said hurtful things to eachother which we didn’t really mean. But I got upset and self harmed. Using a razor blade, 9 lines across my left wrist and 2 crosses. I mean I was having a bad day too and I was depressed but I’m learning to not take it out on her. But I don’t hold it against her because she has helped me and I don’t blame her for the fact I self harmed today, I probably would of anyway. She said I had gained this attitude, I suppose I have to be honest. I mean, it wasn’t planned, it was like my bipolar, I didn’t plan it but now it’s a life long thing. But I still have my compassion for people. As long as I have that, I have a reason to live. Not that the lovely girls and boys I talk too aren’t a reason to live, I just mean, in myself. She also basically told me that I use my bipolar as an excuse for how I act. I always said I didn’t want to but struggling through bipolar has probably hardened me up. The health care system has fucked me about and now I feel like throwing myself off a bridge a lot and just so damn depressed and the mixed episodes being more prominant and the mania weakening and strengthening without warning. It becomes difficult. But I can’t keep using the same dumb excuse. That’s why I don’t tell my teachers. I mean, here’s a list of things that sound easier than telling my teachers I have bipolar and telling my dad I self harm (if you get it, for the love of God tell me):
- Dive off a cliff.
- Jump from a plane.
- Go for a swim with the sharks in the sea.
They all sound easier then me telling to them your face.
Anyway so my wrists were bleeding and usually I don’t wipe them, I leave them and wash them later but because I was wearing new pyjamas I wiped it using a tissue, I then took little pieces off the tissue and put them in the fire of the candles, the suicide candle got the bigger piece of the tissue. After a while the suicide candle began to use the tissue as fuel and began to burn that and the blood on it became a diluted liquid and I know that scientifically it was due to the tissue being flammable but I saw the ragingness of the fire and began to think that it was all the suicides combining together to show that they are happy or that everyone who has commited suicide had a raging light and then at the end there was just a spark and then it went out and I think there is some poetic symbolism in there. What wasn’t wise though is the smoke has got into my lungs and has enhanced my cough but that’s science for you.
The suicide and Pepy’s candle have gone out and Bowie’s going to go out soon. The suicide one is also badly burnt the outer metal casings and I think there is also a poetic symbolism there too.
I was also talking to this boy and yes it is always the same boy so let’s give him a name, I don’t know his last name but I know his first let’s call him JW. I was talking to him and he lives in the US. I’m pretty sure it’ll always remain a friendship and that it won’t be one of those, “I have a boyfriend on the other side of the world” deal because he has a crush and although he has sent hearts to me before it’s usually because I say something particularly sweet although I feel awkward because I can’t even show love (even friend love) through text. SP texts me with a kiss at the end of all her texts and JLS sends like twelve to her boyfriend and she sends them to me but I don’t really like doing it. I don’t even like sending kisses to my own father or sister who send them to me. I mean a lot of people have just given up sending kisses and hearts as I never do them back. Anyway back to JW, I sometimes get the feeling the crush is me and I don’t know whether I see him that way. I’ve had crushes before but mine usually last a week, maybe if the boy has a particularly nice personality a fornight. I mean the chances of it being me are 100 to 1. No, more. 10000 to 1. But I am apprehensive about calling him a friend because he’s sick of being in the friend zone and I never want to put boys in the friendzone because I believe that if all those soppy romcoms have taught us anything is that anyone can be your ‘true love’ if you believe in that sort of thing. I think you’re getting the picture I’m sort of cynical when it comes to love and I suppose I am but compared to what i should be, I’m quite good. I did say I’d come to the US though. I’d never say I had already planned it. My inital plan was to go to IG then go to BD (though since there’s a bit of bad blood there, I don’t know how I’d do that and BD and I have well I’m not sure if we’ve fallen out or not) but now it’s go to JW and IG but I don’t know who first, if I make more good friends on TDF or BC then I will visit them. But who says I’ll even be talking to any of these people come to the time when I have the money, the plan could be completely altered. Also, the trip would have to be during the Summer holidays because Summer is the only holiday without a family holiday like Christmas and Easter and one week is too short because I want to go for 2 to 3 weeks in the Summer, I’ll see if I can rope some friends in. So much work. It could also be a sort of hitchhike deal. Well not hitchhike but like, I go over and go to IG and I’m pretty sure her parents would allow me to stay but JW parent’s might not because a girl in a boys bedroom, scandulous! But these details can be ironed out at a later date. This idea though has made me happier. Although I know everyone will be disappointed when they see a chubby, short brown haired 16 year old come to their houses. Meh, need better clothes and a hair cut. When did I become such a girl?