My dad let me have the day off. I usually would not have taken it off and suffered with the flu for the rest of the day because I don’t want to catch up on work and I want near enough 100% attendence. But I took it off because I am just too darn depressed and sucidal. I text JLS and SK I wasn’t going to be at school and SK, I know hasn’t got credit so I wasn’t expecting a text back but I know on Monday when I go back she’ll apologise profusely. JLS didn’t reply to my text and she says she cares, I’m just about done with her. But I’m a sucker so we all know that I will forgive her. If I had someone else, I would go off with them but JLS hits me a lot. Which just triggers memories of previous abuse and that is why I don’t like to be touched or hugged, unless of course I were to find the right person to hug and be touched by.
The depression just feels so… blah. Intense sadness and just a generally low feeling and self harm is an option but lying down and doing nothing is another so I am going to lie down after I have finished writing this blog. I have a migraine just triggered by the sadness of it all. But I do try to remain optimistic and find the joy in things, like today a boy commented on one of my discussion with a funny comment (well least it was to me) and so I checked out his profile and he does write several funny comments so I wanted to add him but I didn’t just because I didn’t want to freak him out, I’m not saying I want to ‘get on that’ because according to his profile he lives in the US and I’m too lazy to go there at the moment. Also, I don’t want to ‘get on’ anything I don’t know their pesonality. But a lot of people annoy me like I was talking to this girl, told her I was depressed and she said ‘cheer up’…. GTFO a teen depression forum if you’re going to say that. If everyone could just cheer up from depression none of us would be on that site. Honestly.
I got a new desktop picture. If you know where this is from, you’re pretty awesome. If you don’t, you are still awesome but need to get better tastes in music. Kidding. I just love the beautifulness of that picture. I want to see it everyday.
My dad is out picking up my brother up from school and dropping him round his friends house and I’m sitting here thinking about when I go to the doctors for my lazy eye (unaligned eye), the bulgingness of it, the depression and the forgetfullness and the sort of dissociative period of time.
My life is full of joys.
I also want to say RIP to my dogs who died 5 years ago on Friday 14th September 2008. I love you Bowie and Pepy, you protected me from so much and tried all you could. You would sleep with me and on several occassions, I fell asleep with you in your dogs basket. I still wear you in my locket along side my baby brother and I miss you but am glad you are out of your pain. I never got to mourn you properly, there was never a funeral. But tonight when everyone has gone to bed I will light a candle in your honour and say a little prayer and imagine you are watching me from doggie heaven; barking your heads off at everyone who has ever hurt me. I love you so much and I miss you everyday.
Please continue to email me, email is on the ‘About’ page. Tomorrow, I’m just going to post a Q&A blog, I’m going to answer frequently asked questions. Not because i don’t love answering them but it’ll help you learn more about me in a less extensive format.