Unfortunately, I’m not talking about prescription drugs for my illness.
I’m talking about non-prescription but legal drugs.
I told you I was going to be truthful, well this is just about as truthful as it gets.
So I’m depressed and I want to self induce a manic period just because the depression is so hard and I’d much rather turn to drugs than anything else.
I’ll tell you how it started. My dad says to me today I think you should try saffron.
‘What is it?’I asked.
‘Google it’ he says.
I do and yes he’s right. They are good for depression, insomnia and a whole host of other problems. However they are also known for stimulating the menstrual cycle and to have abortive qualities, I’m not pregnant but I don’t want to take drugs that mess with my reproductive system.
So I was just looking on eBay to see how much they were and some related products came up, high beams (which admittedly I’ve heard of before) and some other ones, but there are mixed reviews like there are with any drug you will ever try ever but I stumbled across a site (and I will not mention it incase you feel the same way as me, I don’t want to be blamed for any bad ‘trips’) but is a UK site, just easier due to postage. So my only payment form is paypal but they don’t do paypal, probably a good thing because I could have gotten addicted in the sense of loving the high and buying more to induce it. Getting me into further debt and well, we know how that story ends.
I’m not going to recommend the drugs I want to buy, however I will say the type: stimulants but not coffee, pills.
I also noticed, as sort of a side topic that rapid cycling bipolar bears cannot say “same old” to “how are you feeling?” and I find that quite humourous to be honest.
My nintendo DS charger came in the post so I can finally play on my nintendos! But ALB (my younger brother) has got one with a broken hinge and I need to raise money to buy him one, whilst manic I bought one on eBay well won the auction and not yet paid so I’ve been selling some off my items but no one on eBay pays and so I’m screwed for paying my items because I already owe my dad £200 which he put down to £150 and now that’s up to £160 because I had to pay £10 for some items because I didn’t have enough money in my paypal account. But he will get angry when he find out unless I tell him myself.
I’m actually really suicidial. But I’ll settle for self harm. So many people online tell me to talk to them when I want to self harm, how many guesses for who would actually reply…
I tried the butterfly project and replaced it with hearts instead, even my own father’s name. I can’t do it. Sorry daddy. Sorry baby bro. Maybe the fever’s making me ill (that’s right, I have a temperature) and you know what? I’m ill. I’m tired. I’m depressed. I’ll self harm, but clean up the blood because I don’t want blood on my new pyjamas and then I’ll lie down and do, God knows what. Night.