I really do not want to go to school anymore.
I was texting SP from the moment I got in the car for school and that settled me a little. But I made the fact I really did not want to go to school blatant to my dad and he just said “If you have today off, you’ll want tomorrow off” Maybe there is a little bit of truth. But I did go (after a little cry in the car mind you).
I am lucky as when I cry, my eyes don’t look red or puffy they look normal but not that you could tell the puffy from the purple and black bags that have formed due to lack of sleep; didn’t sleep at all last night.
So my first lesson was science. We’re doing coursework and for any GCSE student (or anyone who has previously done GCSEs) it’s a pain, rather stressful especially when your 3 science teachers do not converse with eachother and we end up redoing. I got really stressed, what didn’t help is both SK and MA asking if I was ‘okay’ every few minutes. The fact you’re asking means you know I’m not, the fact I lie and you continue to ask means you know I’m lying, so why waste everyone’s time with useless questions?
Anyway, I ended up excusing myself sitting on the toliet lid and crying, wiping my eyes and leaving. I was met by a caretaker who asked “anyone else in there?” – “Um, no.” I answered.
I’ve been fighting the urge to self harm. I self harm wrists and thighs but I’ve tried using the butterfly project (learn more about it: http://www.recoveryourlife.com/index.php?categoryid=148) but it doesn’t work for me, maybe if I could draw it would. But I feel that self harm is my only option now. Mania means I stop self harming for weeks at a time. But self harm and crying makes me feel better in those dastardly depressed periods. One day I do hope to find better methods of coping but for now, seeing as winter is here (well Autumn but still) and it is getting colder, long sleeves are not the oddity they were in Summer. I keep them covered and one day, I hope to stop. But the urge is very strong at the moment.
I could repeat every last detail with you but basically my day consisted of eyes brimming with tears and being alone. What made it worse? I am there for everyone. Online and offline. But no one makes time for me. I’m just here when you need me. I know this is a cliched mood for many girls and boys but, c’mon! It’s so common! We look for love, compassion and just someone who will be there for us and likewise but no one will change their habits for us, I would stay up on the computer all night to talk to people about anything but they don’t do the same. Yes I am an insomnic so staying up late isn’t a chore for me but I’d just appreciate one person saying they will but I will convince them to go to bed because they need their sleep. I know that when you meet people online the most perfect people seem to live in America (if you live in UK) or UK (if you live in America) and so what with time differences it is harder to know who needs to go bed. Another problem is we never meet the people who help us and then after time, with life moving on school starting back up we say ‘I’m tired I’ll email her tomorrow’ but we forget until the weekend but by that time that person has gone through hell and everyone chose to ignore her (by the way I say her but also replace that with him) and one day anyone, you, me, will decide that they’re single, lonely and have no friends and just say f*ck it. Kill themselves. Poof. Gone. Why? Because no one looks after anyone else once they have what they want. The sad truth isn’t we are born alone and die alone. That is in fact a lie. Our mother is there at birth and our families are there at death but it’s life that we are alone. Completely alone. Until one day we experience a glimmer of light, which will be soon for many of you.
If you think, maybe she’ll have a better day tomorrow? Nope. I have history, with a man who picks on me even though the entire class bully him! But maybe I can resist the urge to cry in the bathroom. Have a wonderful day!
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