Crying in the bathroom.

I really do not want to go to school anymore.

I was texting SP from the moment I got in the car for school and that settled me a little. But I made the fact I really did not want to go to school blatant to my dad and he just said “If you have today off, you’ll want tomorrow off” Maybe there is a little bit of truth. But I did go (after a little cry in the car mind you).

I am lucky as when I cry, my eyes don’t look red or puffy they look normal but not that you could tell the puffy from the purple and black bags that have formed due to lack of sleep; didn’t sleep at all last night.

So my first lesson was science. We’re doing coursework and for any GCSE student (or anyone who has previously done GCSEs) it’s a pain, rather stressful especially when your 3 science teachers do not converse with eachother and we end up redoing. I got really stressed, what didn’t help is both SK and MA asking if I was ‘okay’ every few minutes. The fact you’re asking means you know I’m not, the fact I lie and you continue to ask means you know I’m lying, so why waste everyone’s time with useless questions?

Anyway, I ended up excusing myself sitting on the toliet lid and crying, wiping my eyes and leaving. I was met by a caretaker who asked “anyone else in there?” – “Um, no.” I answered.

I’ve been fighting the urge to self harm. I self harm wrists and thighs but I’ve tried using the butterfly project (learn more about it: but it doesn’t work for me, maybe if I could draw it would. But I feel that self harm is my only option now. Mania means I stop self harming for weeks at a time. But self harm and crying makes me feel better in those dastardly depressed periods. One day I do hope to find better methods of coping but for now, seeing as winter is here (well Autumn but still) and it is getting colder, long sleeves are not the oddity they were in Summer. I keep them covered and one day, I hope to stop. But the urge is very strong at the moment.

I could repeat every last detail with you but basically my day consisted of eyes brimming with tears and being alone. What made it worse? I am there for everyone. Online and offline. But no one makes time for me. I’m just here when you need me. I know this is a cliched mood for many girls and boys but, c’mon! It’s so common! We look for love, compassion and just someone who will be there for us and likewise but no one will change their habits for us, I would stay up on the computer all night to talk to people about anything but they don’t do the same. Yes I am an insomnic so staying up late isn’t a chore for me but I’d just appreciate one person saying they will but I will convince them to go to bed because they need their sleep. I know that when you meet people online the most perfect people seem to live in America (if you live in UK) or UK (if you live in America) and so what with time differences it is harder to know who needs to go bed. Another problem is we never meet the people who help us and then after time, with life moving on school starting back up we say ‘I’m tired I’ll email her tomorrow’ but we forget until the weekend but by that time that person has gone through hell and everyone chose to ignore her (by the way I say her but also replace that with him) and one day anyone, you, me, will decide that they’re single, lonely and have no friends and just say f*ck it. Kill themselves. Poof. Gone. Why? Because no one looks after anyone else once they have what they want. The sad truth isn’t we are born alone and die alone. That is in fact a lie. Our mother is there at birth and our families are there at death but it’s life that we are alone. Completely alone. Until one day we experience a glimmer of light, which will be soon for many of you.

If you think, maybe she’ll have a better day tomorrow? Nope. I have history, with a man who picks on me even though the entire class bully him! But maybe I can resist the urge to cry in the bathroom. Have a wonderful day!

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14 thoughts on “Crying in the bathroom.

  1. I know what you mean by the not wanting to go to school and crying and sleepless nights. All a daily experience for me. I also have experience with the self harm issue. I’ve been clean since may 🙂 In fact, I can relate to almost everything up there..

    • I’d firstly like to congratulate you on being clean since May. It’s a difficult thing to be able to do. I glad a lot of what I say is relatable, I don’t want to isolate people. The sleepless nights and crying are one of the many worst symptoms. Do your eyes get puffy?
      I’m quite lucky in that respect I can hide the fact I cry because my eyes rarely get puffy. I’m on diazepam for sleeping but it doesn’t work. Have you or are you on any medications for sleeping?

      • Yes, my whole face swells up. I walked into school one day and my face was so puffy from crying that people thought something was wrong with me.
        I’m not on any medications. Mostly what keeps me awake at nights is thoughts. Like there are so many of them at a time that its almost too loud, in a sense, to sleep.

        • Aw, that’s awful. I’m sorry that happens.
          I get thoughts as well, they don’t help. I mean my nightmares keep me up primarily but the thoughts don’t help. I try to distract myself, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, have you any way of dispelling those thoughts?

          • My blog is the only way. I’ll get my computer late at night and write a blog post just too get rid of my thoughts. Whether or not I post it is a different story. Some things are too personal to put online. I dont usually have nightmares, but I have dreams that build on each other instead. They go for years at a time. There’s a post on my blog from anywhere from January to may, that can explain my dreams further. Some are pleasant, some are so weird I’m afraid to go to sleep at night.

              • Some are nice, almost like its a second life. That’s also the bad side of that. The bad ones are like another life too. It’s like i’m experiencing stuff that never happened… so I know how it feels and when I try to help others and guide them through their problems, they don’t take my advice because I’m only 14 and haven’t experienced anything like what they describe. But in reality, I’ve experienced it in my dreams.

                • Well I’m glad that they’re are some nice ones but I am also sorry you suffer bad ones too.
                  I like helping people too, but in my experience people just generally don’t like being given advice and I think it’s just wrong they use your age as an excuse or the fact you haven’t bee through it. We’ve all been through different stuff and even though we may not all understand some of the things fully we all want the same thing. Treatment, care, love and respect. I think it’s such a shame people don’t see that.

                  • I know. And people always come back to me telling me they should’ve used my advice. I started just letting people figure it out on their own. Also, I think the post is called “dreams that stay with you through childhood”

  2. I had a feeling the two of you would connect. 🙂

    strength in numbers fight together. And you have someone that truly understands in each other too. that helps.

    I hope you can both resist this, really really fight it. try so hard.

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