Right wrist, drew with left hand.
Left wrist, drew with right hand.
I’d like to start by saying, I feel much better than earlier due to a certain girl I talk to on teen depression connect, I won’t mention her name. But as I did with JLS, just initals: thank you SP. Thank you for making my day better. I don’t think you’ll read the blog but thank you, I needed it more than you know.
So I’ve heard (technically read) that this entire week is Suicide Prevention week but then I read that yesterday was Suicide Prevention day. The idea was you’re supposed to pay homage to every person who has commited suicide. You do this by writing ‘love’, ‘live’ and/or wearing something yellow. The little redness around the drawings is I’m actually allergic to felt tips, like a large quantity of it on my hand. But I felt the cause was worth the pain.
I thought that I would share my suicide attempt.
Technically I have attempted suicide 4 times. 2 by hanging (but was found, never admitted to hospital due to a parent putting it down to attention seeking), twice by pills (both times it passed through my system, one time 20 paracetmol pills) These were all around the age of 11. Then I attempted it on May 26th 2012. I took 10 coedine pills, wasn’t enough to kill me but it made me very ill. I got extremely dizzy, nauseous, shaking for 3 days and then I was well again but never admitted to hospital. No one in the family or friends knew aside from some online friends. My dad would worry, my friend, coincidentally JLS would beat me.
So, why did I do it? Why would I take my own life?
There isn’t just one answer to that. I can’t say it was just a fight with a parent or that I was over reacting. I was depressed, terribly depressed. I’ll write what I wrote in my journal that night:
“I’m going to kill myself, if I have to live like this any longer, I’m going crazy -why? well it’s not a very good standard of living”
That was not my reasoning, there was much more at play. Depression mixed with lack of sleep and just a lack of love to move on. I felt lonely, deeply sad, I felt like things weren’t going to get better. But I now believe that they have to, at some point. We can’t live like this forever because who would punish anyone like that?
It was a dark time and to be honest, it’s getting there again. I’m going to get through it because I can’t leave the people who I love and who I help and who help me, I survive for them.
So ladies and gents if you need someone to survive for, survive for me.