Before I start on why I am confused let me tell you about a few things today:
1. I am still sleeping off the diazepam but it is wearing off due to when I fell asleep for about the 5th time today I had a nightmare.2. My friend LM told one of her friends about my suicide attempt and he gave me shisha, now as I’ve mentioned I tried it before and it wasn’t too bad and he did some research and found shisha:
“The inhaled substances trigger chemical reactions in nerve endings, this release of dopamine; which is associated with the feeling of pleasure”
So he thought that the next time I was depressed, I smoke it I feel better. It doesn’t make me happy just sort of relaxes me a little. So I only ever plan on smoking it when depressed and since I’ve smoked it I feel a bit better than I did when I woke up. But I’m not smoking anymore tonight because if I smoke too much I have a feeling it could trigger mania which brings me onto my next thing.
Doctors tomorrow. My question is why? Why on earth am I going to the doctors tomorrow? I mean I tried to commit suicide but the diazepam is out of my body almost – maybe got like 30% left hence the fact I want to sleep and am very tired. What’s he going to say? Well you’re physically healthy – great, thanks. That goes at number 2 on my list of the most obvious things, right behind the sky is blue. Do you feel like doing it again? Well not straight away. Gotta give it time, baby. I like to give everyone the element of surprise. Did you call your psychiatrist? No, wanna know why? Because you need a fucking genie to grant you a wish to get through to him. What would be the fucking point? [Side note: my water bottle is empty and I'm annoyed about that]
So I suppose my overall question is (and I will give a gold star to anyone who can figure it out): Why am I seeing my GP on Thursday? Why? What is the benefit of me doing so? Will I end up in a psychiatric hospital? Will I end up annoyed? (btw the answer to that is yes as I always end up annoyed) Just basically here’s my two parter question for that almighty gold star: why the hell am I going to see my GP four days later? What do you think the outcome will be?